High/Lowlights Of The Season

Good Crap:

• First and foremost, at the very top of the list as I think it is clearly the most important, I was able to find the very last copy of A Muppet Christmas Carol on DVD.
• Turkey dinner. Yumerific.
  
• My family, after 21 years, still forgetting to put the ketchup out for me. Sure, I could just go and put it out MYSELF...but that's so much effort.
  
• Getting drunk off of ONE DRINK at Diana's house. Is dark rum really that much stronger than white rum?? That's the only explanation I can think of
• Sandra's work shift, although ending later than expected, not ending AS late as expected, so we didn't have to postpone our "not so secret santa" gift exchange for another week. It's a festivus miracle!
• Delivering Christmas hampers (laundry baskets full of everything you need for a turkey dinner, including the turkey) to those less fortunate and seeing their gratitude
  
• When Sandra gave me the biggest hug ever after she opened my gift to her containing a homemade scarf. Funny how you end up looking more forward to giving out gifts than receiving them. Same thing with a small photo album I made for my nana.
  
• My brother and I watching hours of clips of the Ali G show on youtube after Christmas dinner
• Finding the last copy of Miracle On 34th Street for my mom; I swear it was sold out EVERYWHERE
• Getting penguin pyjamas from my aunt. My coolness just went up .874 percent
• I received minimal amounts of chocolate, so working off the holiday pounds shouldn't take too long. It's just the pounds that were there before the holidays that may take longer...haha. Ha. *tears*

Bad Crap:

• On the DVD of my Muppet Christmas Carol, they had cut out my favourite song!! The only question I keep asking is why...why!?! WHY!?
• My oldest brother and his wife were in Edmonton over Christmas. Christmas dinner was a lot quieter without his stories and the fun frivolity him and his wife always bring
• Laura Sandra Diana and I didn't get to volunteer at a soup kitchen Christmas Eve like we wanted to. (At least it was because they didn't need volunteers)
  
• I almost took some lady's head off for parking in the handicapped parking without a permit at the mall. I didn't want to freak on her in case she did in fact have one I couldn't see. She clearly was not handicapped. I wish I'd had her towed but something about it being Christmas and crap made me swallow my anger
• My middle brother and his wife were four hours late getting to our house on Christmas Day so we didn't open presents until 5:00 pm. It had already started to get dark lol.
• I always feel really guilty after Christmas for getting stuff...if that makes sense...so much money gets spent on stuff for me that I don't even really need. Makes me feel very materialistic.
• My credit card is crying. I had to take it to the emergency room because it was abused so badly. With lots of band aids and gauze, I think it will recover just in time for the onslaught of February birthdays.
  

All in all I had a lovely holiday season. I feel the magic of Christmas less and less each year but it usually rears it's head when I need it most.

Now onto the magic of New Years...

Prank Calling British Columbia

I have a lovely friend who lives in Victoria BC. He works at a classic rock radio station as the late night DJ. The following is my phone conversation with him the other night. Thankfully they have a 1-800 number.

"Hey, the Q?" -him
"Hi, how are you!" - me
"Good, and you?" (he has no idea who I am)
"Excellent. I was wondering if I could request a song?"
"Of course, go ahead."
"It's a little unconventional..."
"I love unconventional!"
"Ok, well I hope you've heard of it...it's called...'A Whole New World' from Aladdin?"
"Uhhh...you know, I'm fresh out of Disney."
"Really?? Well, what about Celine Dion, My Heart Will Go On?"
"I've gotta tell ya, that's like the equivalent of requesting Garth Brooks. Was that going to be your next request?"
"No no no...are you crazy...my next request was going to be 'The Rose' by Bette Midler."
"Sorry, we don't have that either..."
"What? JEEZ, do you guys play ANY good music?!?"
"For sure, and I WILL find something for you, I'm very determind. Hang on."

*on hold for about ten seconds. I'm trying to contain my giggling. He comes back on the line and says:*

"How about some Pearl Jam?"
"Weeeellll....................ok, if you're really out of Aladdin."
"And what's your name?"
"It's...uhhhh....well.....it's the lovely Lorraine."
"Oh it's YOU!"
"How could you NOT know it was me?? Who else requests Celine Dion??"
"You'd be surprised..."

At Least They Had Ketchup

"Whoa...I could go to jail for what I'm thinking right now." he responded to the polite "hello" I murmured in passing . My expression immediately changed from friendly to a scowl. How did he think I would react to that? "Thank you for making a lewd comment about me, I'm very flattered. I just can't resist your flashy green and red sequin vest, white hair and leather skin. Take me now." I attempted to formulate a witty sarcastic response but anger prevented me from thinking clearly. I quickened my stride and continued on to the bathroom, where much like George Costanza I continued brainstorming clever responses. "Thank you for refreshing my definition of 'dirty old man'." "I could go to jail too after I drown you in the runny scalloped potatoes." "I'm sure you'd make lots of lovely friends there that you can hit on."

I encountered him at a dinner/theater show I went to tonight. He was, I suppose, the entertainer for the dinner portion of the night. He did so by singing I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas (twice because he forgot the second song he was supposed to sing) and making fun of the diners unfortunate enough to be seated near him. He made his attempt at a few jokes too that were all mildly funny and mildly dirty. Thankfully that was the last I saw of him and was free to enjoy the rest of the night with my ex coworkers.

Yes, it was the staff Christmas party, and no, I don't work there anymore, but lucky for me they still like me and wanted me to attend. I had an early Christmas present for my old supervisor; all the work keys I forgot to return for the past five months. She had no idea I still had them. In return she informed me that the two main people I wanted to see couldn't attend. There will be much growling at them via msn.

It's always awkward running into any form of ex, be it an ex girlfriend/boyfriend or ex boss/coworkers. In either situation, you want to look your absolute best and have exciting stories of what has been going on in your life away from them. Such stories never seem to pop into my head, and I just end up nodding a lot and saying "yup, life is good, nope, nothing new with me...you know...yeah. So..." I've never been great with the small talk, but I'm getting better! I don't have to say "LOOK AT THAT!" and point and run away as often as I used to.

Another interesting part of the night was the woman sitting directly across from me. She was wearing a V neck type of dress suit that showed her entire bra when she sat down. I can't really describe it. I COULD describe the bra in full detail since I pretty much saw the whole thing. She was two inches away from having her breasts resting comfortably on her dinner plate, and I can only imagine what sort of strange side dish she would have thought she received when she dug in.

The play was cute, a British comedy about a married couple that both decide to go away and meet the people they are having affairs with, but end up at the same hotel. Then their adulterers end up being married to each other. The play revolves around them avoiding each other and lying so the others don't find out they are having an affair while the hotel owner desperately tries to mediate while being constantly bribed to partake in the charade. It was very well done, and the actors were friendly and chatted/drank with us after the show. "If you'll excuse me for a moment, I'm going to get ridiculously drunk now."

My favourite part of the whole night (aside from being specially served a dish of ketchup at dinner) was getting gas on the way home. That's not to say the night was boring, far from it. But the funniest part was definitely at the gas station. I was driving my mom's car with my mother in the passenger side, and when she saw gas for 76.6 cents she wanted to stop to fill up. In the twenty seconds it took us to turn left at the lights, do a U turn to get around the median and pull into the gas station, the price had changed to 90.3 cents. What absurd timing! My mom cursed in her Christian manner (ie "Oh FIDDLESTICKS" and "DAG NAV IT!") as I tried to contain my laughter. I'm tellin' ya, it's Murphy's Law!! DAMN that Murphy!

After that I came home and tried to capture one of the few times I get dressed up and look half decent, hence my picture I posted with this. I call it "Trying to be mysterious but really being a dork."

I think that pretty much summarizes my night. It had an old man wearing a sequined vest, a funny play, Christian swearing, crazy gas prices and full sight of a woman's bra. Ask for anything more and you're just being selfish.

*originally written the night of Friday December 15, 2006*

Dreaming In Celebrities

Last night (ok ok, part of this morning/afternoon too) I dreamt the largest number of dreams I can remember having in one sleep session. What blew my mind even more was, upon further inspection, the longest and most distinct dreams featured a major male celebrity whom I have varying degrees of a crush on. I can't describe to you how vivid these dreams were and how confused - and perhaps a little disappointed - I was when I woke up from them.

Dream 1 (in chronological order)
Feature Celebrity: Zach Braff

Zach, by some unbelievable twist in the universe, was actually interested in me. Naturally we ran in the same social circles so it wasn't completely unbelievable, but I was still surprised and flattered. So we started dating, but quickly ended up in a massive argument resulting in us breaking up. Then we would cool off and like each other again and get back together. This seemed to be a cycle. I remember sitting in the passenger side of a car while he drove and telling him "get over yourself" because he started using his celebrity status as ammunition in our argument. He didn't like that too much, but it somehow made him respect me more. Apparently we were on basketball teams too. I guess we played for the same organization. For one game, he was mad at me for not being ready on time, but when I got there none of the other girls were ready either, so in turn I got mad at him. I think we had burgundy uniforms and high yellow socks. A very important detail. Ok not really.

Dream 2
Feature Celebrity: Keifer Sutherland (I don't really have a crush on him, so this dream is especially weird)

Keifer had somewhat retired from his acting career and moved into an apartment building in my neighbourhood. I bumped into him one day and started chatting with him without trying to seem fan-crazed or anything. I turned to walk to a car picking me up for something, then decided to not be a chicken and went back to Keifer. I pulled out a piece of paper, scrolled down my cell number, and wrote something like "let's go out sometime." except not so lame-sounding. I started to write something else too but gave it to him mid-scrawl because I was afraid he'd leave while I was writing. He was confused over the partial sentence. Then as he was walking away with my number in hand, I heard him mutter "slut" under his breath! I was shocked and offended, so I told him off. I remember saying that I just wanted to grab a coffee, not jump in his pants. I think I might have followed him up to his apartment, or he might have invited me since he was impressed I stuck up for myself, but in the hallway something was going on. Someone was holding a bunch of people hostage, Jack (I mean Keifer) and I included. He somehow discreetly dropped three guns in these poll type things and lined up with everybody else. While I was trying to figure out how/when to get them, the gunmen let everyone go except myself and two other people, one of them being my mother. I begged them to let her go and take me instead. They agreed and were about to shoot us when some people jumped in the room, attacked them and saved us. Somehow one of the gunman ended up being this girl I went to elimentary and high school with. She had some disease that made her all psycho like that, ha. But she escaped, and later I had to run through a cornfield to get away from her. A cornfield, how cliche! (I don't know how to put the accent on the 'e') I was mad at Kiefer for not being Jack Bauer in real life and using the guns he had. Actors, what are they good for.

Dream 3
Feature Celebrity: Dr. House, aka Hugh Laurie. (The character instead of the actor)

I was at the hospital, I THINK to get my fitness assessment for the gym. Naturally, there was a Family Fitness in the hospital. House was the one doing my assessment, but got called away early. He walked out into the hall and turned to say he'd be back. But he didn't come back. So every time I went to the "gym" it was really to just try and get a glimpse of House and find an excuse to talk to him. I kept seeing him from afar, but couldn't get up close. Then for some reason a Kaylin Porter concert broke out in the hospital, and I was sitting in the middle aisle about 10 rows from the front with a friend, cheering him on. Like, what the hell, I would never be at a Kaylin Porter concert. But apparently we were friends and he gave me a special nod from on stage. Someone yelled something at me and I turned around and there was Dr. House standing behind a railing a few floors up. I left to try to talk to him but couldn't make it up there. Then something about Niagara Falls. Who the heck knows. After that, it went onto another VERY strange dream that I won't even try to explain.

The thing that messes me up about dreams like this is that they are SO vivid! Not even so much the images but the emotion. 12 hours later, I still feel very connected to each of these people, as if the experiences really happened. That's the last time I eat chicken burgers before going to bed. At least...for awhile. Like a week, tops.

How Nipple Tassels Invaded My Friday Night

*Warning: The following post is rated PG14. Possibly more. Be ye warned and not offended.*

There's nothing like going to see what you think is a band and walking in on a burlesque show. Doing so will result in the following comments between Laura and I:

• "Oh gawd...my eyes...MY EYES!! THEY BURN!"
• "I wonder how many STD's these girls have."
• "If she comes over here, I'll bottle her." "Good. We should never go anywhere without a beer bottle ever again, just in case."
• "Is she supposed to be drinking gasoline?!?" "THROW A MATCH DOWN HER THROAT!"
• "Apparently 90 lbs girls are sexy now."
• "Is the band going to start soon? I can't take any more half naked girls." (Laura to the bouncer)
• "Who drinks a smirnoff ice in a MARTINI GLASS?!?"
• "I am so grateful we sat behind a pillar."

I can't say it wasn't educational at all...I now know of the existance of nipple tassels. I can honestly say that this piece of knowledge in no way enriches my life. They were attached to a girl who had a chest like a twelve year old boy. I have no idea how they stayed on. Crazy glue? Ouch!

The strangest performance would have to go to the girl who held up a succession of signs: "Vote for me." "Buy my (*censored: means the same word as "stuff"*)" and "Die for me." With each sign she felt the need to lick the sides. I wondered how she didn't get a paper cut on her tongue. She finished the act by licking a bottle of gasoline and pretending to drink it. Then some old guy dressed up like a cowboy pimp started dancing around her with a sparkler. I swear, this really happened. It was like a car accident...you can't help but look.

My favourite part of the performance was when the big Cadillac symbol hanging behind the band fell down. Cadillac Bill picked it up and pointed to some ducks painted on it. All he said was "This thing has travelled across Canada about four times. Do you see the ducks?? You like the ducks??" ...I guess you had to be there.

When the band was done, I wanted to say hi to him because we had previously been chatting on myspace, which is where I found out about his band. I think the conversation went like this:

"Hey." -Me
"Hi..." -Bill
"Do you recognize me?" -Me
(At the same time) "Do I know you?" - Bill
"Uhhh...sort of...from myspace..."
"Oh. Which one?" (I took this to mean which girl, as there seem to be many he talks to on there, but in hindsight I think he may have meant which myspace since he has two)
"Um, I'm Lorraine...we talked about your baby raccoon." (long story)
"Oh."
"Yeah. Good show tonight though. You didn't suck."
"Thanks. You'll have to email me cause I won't remember this at all."
"Alright, see you later."

A lovely encounter, no? Ha.

We left shortly after that and ended up watching Charlie Chaplin on tv till 3am. Yes, it was a strange night indeed.

Eye Contact: A Lethal Mistake

As I was walking through the mall today I made the mistake of catching the eye of what I thought was just a cute guy up ahead. Instead I made the deadly mistake of making eye contact with a kiosk sales person. Then I made the mistake of saying hello in response to his hello. And then I was in: he had his hooks in me and I could do nothing but flail helplessly as a warning to all other shoppers not to fall for this cute boy bait as I had!

Flashbacks from when I was on my grade 6 trip to Montreal flashed through my head. My friend Kelly and I were walking through the mall when one of these people came up to us and started talking about his product in French. We had no idea what he was saying. Kelly and I looked at each other and promptly took off running down the mall, away from the shouting frenchman desperately trying to sell us something in a language we couldn't understand.

That's what I felt like doing today. Except the thick European accent that flowed out from his lips wasn't strong enough to validate saying "Sorry, I don't speak fren...er...I don't know what you're saying." So I stood there while he straightened my hair with his $200 (now on sale for ONLY $100) ceramic straightening iron. I told him I already have one, but apparently one that was $3.99 from Value Village wasn't very impressive to him. He also, and I have no idea how, managed to curl a piece of my hair with the straightening iron. Not a trick worth $100, but still, impressive. My favourite trick question that he asked me: "Is your hair important to you?" I should have said "not as important as it seems to be to you." I asked him to fix my hair and said I would come back.

Unfortunately, when I walked by him again, I was on my cell phone desperately trying to keep Sue on the line until I had past them, so I couldn't buy one. It was then I decided to always have my cell phone on hand in circumstances like this. Accidental eye contact?? No problem! You just happened to receive a cell phone call right after! "Sorry, I really have to take this. Oh you didn't hear it ring? That's cause I have it on vibrate. Cheers!"

Lorraine Lingo

Effin - The phonetic spelling of "F'n" which is a short form of...uh...well...I probably shouldn't write that word on here. Only really works in written communication as to not be confused with "F'n".

Example: "That new Justin Timberlake song is effin dumbtarded."

Dumbtarded - A more politically correct version of "retarded" that I fully admit to having stolen from my brother.

Example: "My brother is going to think I'm dumbtarded for stealing his word."

Pants - Used as a curse word instead of traditional swear words. Can also be used as an expression of shock/surprise.

Example: "Oh PANTS, I left my keys in the front door again!!"

Mother Puss Bucket - See previous definition.

Example: "Mother puss bucket! That tube top is so small the only thing I could wear it as is a neck warmer!"

I'ma - Used to indicate one is about to do something.

Example: "I'ma go see if I can find a squirrel that resembles Abraham Lincoln."

Aheugh? - Similar to the questioning grunt Tim Allen makes in Home Improvement. Used to indicate confusion about something.

Example: "Luminescent signal quantitation with microplate or tube solution-based assays is performed with a luminometer, which measures light being emitted from a sample with either a PMT-based or photodiode detector, or with a CCD camera detector." "Aheugh??"

Fantastical - A variation of the word fantastic to make it different and more interesting.

Example: "I caught you a delicious bass." "Fantistical!"

Lovely - A former adjective now being used as a noun. I will call you this if I like you and you are a girl. Sometimes a guy if you're a little feminine.

Example: "Hey lovely, you have some mustard on your upper lip."

Love - Something else I might call you if I like you or I am being condescending or sympathetic. I will also say this one to guys. It's a habit from being friends with UKians.

Example: "I think you have to TURN the knob to open the door, love."


...More to come. Probably. Maybe. POSSIBLY.

Remembrance Day

I'd like to take a moment out of my normal brand of zaniness to discuss Remembrance Day. I just returned from a Remembrance Day service and I need to type my feelings and thoughts before they go out of my head and I return to my egocentric life routine. Remembrance Day has always been a day that hits me hard, and yet I never think it hits me hard enough.

At the Canadian Warplane Heritage Museum the turn out was a few thousand over the the few hundred expected. Laura and I mostly sat surrounded by people twice our age with the familiar hats of a veterans randomly popping out of the crowd. We were stuffed in shoulder to shoulder.

The ceremony started out as they usually do; greetings, welcomes, bringing out the flags or "colours" as I learned they are called.

We stood respectfully for the two minutes of silence. I don't know if it was planned, but the steady buzzing of an aircraft started to build from what must have been just outside. We couldn't see it but we knew it was there. It slowly rose to a crescendo and filled the hollow hanger. It was everywhere; engulfing everybody and reverberating through my brain. The noise wasn't anywhere near deafening, but it consumed you the way a deafening sound would. I closed my eyes and imagined standing in a field while hearing that sound overhead.

The Redeemer University College Concert Choir helped the speaker with a passage of Scripture. He would read a line and they would sing another line, bouncing back and forth like a tennis ball. They started out with just the girls singing in unison. Then the girls split into two part harmony. With each session they added more voices and split into more harmonies until at last the sound was rich and full. It was beautiful. "And I will raise you up on wings of Eagles and hold you in the palm of my hand."

The video presentation hit me like no other. Under a soft voice singing Oh Canada the pictures of soldiers who have died in Afghanistan focused and faded across the screen. It took me a moment to realize that these lively faces captured in photographs that could not have been more than a year old were no longer living on this Earth. There were so many. It's one thing to see old crosses and black and white photos from wars sixty years ago. There is a certain amount of acceptance that comes with remembering. But to see the young faces of present day Canada and to know how recently they died...I can't describe how this hit me. There are no words. The only way to express what I felt was through the involuntary lump in my throat and the tears streaming down my face. I felt silly crying at first. I couldn't see anyone else crying. And then I thought how trivial it was to be worried about how I looked crying. I let my tears spill over without bothering to wipe them away.

We've been fighting so long for peace...isn't there some sort of an oxymoron in that? I start thinking about the nature of war and why we fight. The last few decades have given us a new reason to fight. Not over land, but against terrorism and inhumanity. What saddens me is to think that no matter how hard we fight...no matter how long we fight...we will ALWAYS be fighting against these demons. All we can do is hope to better the world and save the lives of the ones we love. But the issues of war are too big for me to analyze. There is too much and I just feel overwhelmed by the enormity of it all.

During the singing of God Save The Queen (to which Laura and I could not sing along because we have never learned it) the man sitting next to me pointed to a veteran infront of us and informed me that he had flown the Spitfire. I have to admit, I am not very knowledgable with Canadian history. But I knew from the way he said it that it was very prestigious. I told Laura after. I'm not sure if she knew or not either, but she gave the same reaction as I did. "Oh wow."

At the conclusion of the ceremony the speaker asked the veterans to stand up. It was a veteran three rows ahead of me who clutched the hand of his wife as he stood that set off my tears again. How much had they lived through together!

At the retiring of the colours I felt humbled and in awe of those that serve their country. Those that risk their lives to make this world a bit of a better place for you and me to live in. Who of us can declare such selflessness?

Wear a poppy. It's the least you can do.

When you go home
Tell them of us and say,
For your tomorrow
We gave our today

-From a World War II British Army monument on the Kohima Ridge in Burma

Late Night Conversations

I've been up pretty late the last few nights. Somehow (well, I actually know how) my sleep habits have been completely reversed. One advantage to this generally depressing situation is that I get to stay up on the internet and have great late night conversations with entertaining people. Like tonight for example. Here's a snippet from my convo with Richy regarding sneaking food into movie theaters:

RICHY says:
One time i was bbq-ing myself a large hamburger at home when my friends came to pick me up to go to a movie (i underestimated the time). So i brought the burger into the theater in my pocket. That's when i realized that the most warm and comforting feeling in the world for me is having a hamburger in my pocket.

~Lorraine™~ says:
LOL. I MIGHT blog your last message.

RICHY says:
It made me want to write a new age song called 'burger in my pocket'.

Lorraine vs. Lorraine

Ok folks. Time for a narcissistic poll. All who favour Lorraine with blonde hair, dark underneath and perhaps red streaks, say 'aye matey' in pirate fashion. All who favour Lorraine with dark hair and bangs, say "I favour Lorraine with dark hair and bangs." Ok, now go to the comments box and let me know which you think looks best! Thanks all. Cookies and tang to follow.


Also, while we're on comparisons, is it JUST me, or do I look better as the dead prom queen I dressed up as for Halloween? Once again, feel free to leave your thoughts in the comment box.

Communications Class Poetry

I wrote the following while being bored to death in communications class tonight. My two friends liked it so much they copied it down and passed it around the class, ha. Unfortunately my classmates are the ones who will appreciate it most since they know the way our prof is...

Communications Class

You babble like a mindless drone
With stature of a garden gnome
No one hears you when you speak
We wonder when you'll shut your beak

With each loud word you slow down time
We'd like you better as a mime
You seem to forget, we're not in grade five
By the end of class we're barely alive

Full stop, noun, subject, verb
Everything we've already heard
Repeated from your cathedral mouth
Makes us want to migrate south

Nothing personal, you seem quite nice
But we already learned the comma splice
Give us something for what we paid
Or another poem will have to be made

I wondered if it was karma that the only time I received a ticket for not paying for parking on campus was tonight, after I had written this poem...

My Washing Machine Is Taunting Me

*note: originally written Friday October 20th

I admit it...I'm one of those terrible spoiled twenty-one-year-olds that still has her laundry done for her by her mother. One small problem this week: mom is away in Quebec City on business.

I can count on one hand - MAYBE two - how many times I have done my own laundry. I discovered very quickly that it's really not as complicated as my mother made it out to be. She always has her own little methods and stuff that I thought if I didn't do I would end up with clothes that were all pink or ripped to shreds. Now I just make sure I don't shrink anything, wash anything that is dry clean only, mix whites with colours, wash everything in cold water, put in detergent and I'm good to go!

Today was D day...perhaps L day would be more appropriate? I collected my mountain of laundry and, failling to be able to see overtop of it, groped my way to the laundry room where it spilled over, covering the floor like an area rug. Excited at the prospect of actually doing something productive for myself, I turned the dial and pulled. Nothing. I turned it again, this time a little further in to make sure it was in the 'start' region. Nothing. I tried changing the temperature of the water, the save and drain button, slamming the dial with my fist, pulling it repeatedly in and out, shouting threats littered with curses at it, and yet....still...nothing.

So in the next day or so, I have the option of going commando or buying some new underwear. Thank God it's not very cold out yet!

Loud Music, Bigger Sizes and Seductive Beds

Can somebody please explain the logic of playing really loud music in a retail clothing store to me? The way I see it, it only provides disadvantages. If the type of music is something the shopper doesn't like, it will be made twice as uncomfortable by being loud. It makes it hard to talk. The sales staff go mental after awhile because they play the same tracks all day. Is that a safe work environment? What if a sales clerk is right on the brink of taking a potato gun to everybody in the store and it's the loud thumping rapper beat chanting "BABY YOU SO FINE OH BABY, DAMN GIRL" that pushes her over the edge? Well, I hope you brought your ketchup...cause potato spuds are gonna fly.

While shopping today I had to endure endless loud bad music in certain stores. And quite honestly, it nearly drove me out. I swear, if that store hadn't been overflowing with $10 pants to keep me preoccupied, I wouldn't have been able to stand in there for five minutes.

My other issue: the abundance of 1's and 3's found on every rack and the lack of...ummm...'higher' sizes. You'd think that when stores sell out of the bigger sizes, clothing manufacteurers would clue in and adjust their quantity of bigger sizes accordingly. Perhaps they are trying to give us incentive to diet? Oh wait I said size 1 and 3 didn't I...incentive to be anorexic?

Last but not least...I'm tired. Which is awesome because it's earlier than 3am! Which means I might not sleep in till 2pm! Which means I might be able to do something productive tomorrow! Which means...uhh...ok I can't derive any further meaning from that. I CAN tell you that I am currently daydreaming about my bed. It's right behind me, calling to me. "Lorraine...sleep with me...SLEEP WITH ME!" Now this is one situation where instead of providing a slap in the face, I will be happy to obligue.

Another Guilty Pleasure

After much deliberation and hours of intense mental debate, carefully weighing the pros and cons of the situation, I reconciled with myself and gave in to temptation. I've added another item to my list of guilty pleasures. It will be listed somewhere in between liking those corny Leon's commercials, writing out stupid names on "hello my name is" name tags, and typing naked at my computer. (Suckers...you're none the wiser!) This one is naturally internet related, as are the rest of the items on my guilty pleasures list. Oh man, I don't really want to identify what this is. But I must...admitting it is half the battle. I can do this. Here we go: my name is Lorraine, and I am a myspace addict.

It started out innocently. Coerced by a mixture of peer pressure and my own curiosity, I grudgingly signed up and filled out a brief profile. However, being completely unimpressed with the layout, disappointed at the people that requested to "be my friend", and increasingly frustrated because I couldn't figure out how to design my page, I wrote it off as stupid pop culture and left it be.

Do you have a myspace? - Laura

No, that thing is so stupid. I'd feel so geeky being on it. -Lorraine

...but you have a website, three blogs, you're on hotornot AND plentyoffish... and signing up for the one thing that everybody on the internet has is going to make you feel geeky? -Laura

Yes. Shutup. -Lorraine

Before long, boredom began to set in - as it usually does when I'm on the internet and out of pages to visit - so I decided to give myspace another chance. This time I noticed somebody from my elementary school and high school had requested to be on my friends list. I haven't seen her since high school and occassionaly wondered how she was doing, so I was happy to add her. Then I discovered all the cool groups and people that you could add! My favourite bands?Zach Braff? The Imponderables?? I'll take five of each please! Ok I know that probably doesn't make sense. Although five helpings of Zach Braff would be mighty enjoyable.

So here I now sit, day after day, with another medium of distraction from the physical outside world. But at least I have other myspace addicts to keep me company. To date, I am up to 46 friends. And every time I log on and see people have added me or accepted my request to be friends, I can't help but let out a "damn right!"
__________________________________
Postscript: You can be my friend if you want. At least on myspace. Click here for my profile.

Adventures with grilled cheese

I know what you are thinking: “Lorraine, you don’t know how to make grilled cheese, one of the easiest dishes to make, do you?”

There is a simple answer to this. No…no I don’t. But I still tried today in an effort to implement my “learn by doing” philosophy.

First I found the grill, set it up and turned it on. Easy as pie. Although I’m sure I wouldn’t be very successful in making one of those either. Next I got out my ingredients and wondered where to start.

Buttering one side of the bread, I threw it on the grill and stared at it, mildly panicking at what to do next. I figured I should have buttered the other side too, so I pulled it back and did so, smearing butter all over my hand in the process. Now what? Do I grill the other piece of bread? Do both sides need to be done? When does the cheese make its entrance? How many slices of cheese do I use? I hope I don’t end up melting the toaster with the grill like I did the last time I used it…

Making a quick guess, I unwrapped six cheese slices and put them on the first piece of bread. I flipped the other piece of toast and then thought I should flip the piece with the cheese on it. Clearly I couldn’t do this without searing the cheese to the grill. So I picked off the half melted cheese as best as I could and flipped the bread which was quickly turning into toast.

Laughing at my lack of grilled cheese skills, I tried to sawder the first piece of bread back together as it broke apart in the flipping process. Then I rationed that the cheese should help keep it together and slabbed it back on. I decided there was way too much cheese and took a few stuck-together pieces off. But what a waste of cheese that would be to throw out! Back on the bread it went with its cheese brothers and sisters. The worst being over with, I put the other piece on top to finally make it into a sandwich. The tallest grilled cheese sandwich I have ever seen, standing at an inch and a half.

For all the strife, it was pretty good except for the excess of cheese. But next time I think I’ll just stick to heating up hot dogs in the microwave.

Phone Encounters of the Sunrise Records Kind

Just got off the phone with Sunrise Records. I'm trying to compare prices for The Office Season 2 (premiere of season 3 tonight, woo!) and Gilmore Girls season 6. Let me share my phone experience with you.

"GoodafternoonsunriserecordshowcanIhelpyou"

"Oh, hi how are you?"

"Good, and yourself?"

"Good, I was wondering if you could check on some prices for me?"

"Sure, can you hang on a sec?"

"No problem."

*puts receiver down*

Timer on phone: 2:26

*background yammering: "That'll be $103.56. Yeah sorry, that's not the right price, that's like, double the right price...sorry about that."*

Timer on phone: 5:48

*Lorraine starts wondering how long it will be before he picks up phone again*

*backround yammering: "Yeah, you just go out to the hall and turn right. Yeah I can help you find that. Is that all you're looking for today?"*

Timer on phone: 8:49

*Lorraine is convinced person has forgotten about phone and wonders how long it will be till he remembers*

Timer on phone: 9:03

"Hey there sorry about that."

"That's ok, it was only nine minutes and three seconds."

"Oh, you're timing me eh?"

"Well, not intentionally, the timer just happened to be there on my phone. Busy day?"

"Oh yeah! So you're looking for some prices?"

"Yeah, The Office Season 2, American version?"

"And who is this?"

"Pardon me?"

"You're calling Sunrise Records?"

"Yes...where is this?"

"This is Eastgate mall."

"Yes...Sunrise Records though right..."

"Yeah. Who's calling?"

"Erm...uhh...my name is Lorraine?"

"And you're calling from Sunrise Records??"

"NO, I am CALLING Sunrise Records...I just need some prices!"

"OH...oh sorry, I'm a creep."

"Haha...it's ok."

"The Office is out of stock right now."

"Do you know the list price for it though?"

"Aw man, I have to go get my paper...do you want to wait another 9 minutes?"

"No...no I don't."

"K hold on a sec."

"Ok...and this better be good!"

*ruffling of papers*

"It's $36.99"

"Ok. And can I get you to check ONE more thing for me?"

"Oh COME ON, you're making me do work!"

"I know, I'm sorry...I know you don't expect to being at your job and all..."

"Yeah, and I got these people calling pretending to be someone else..."

"Yeah, those crazy callers...Gilmore Girls season 6?"

"*sigh* $54.99. Plus a tip."

"A tip!! Of course I get a discount for having to wait so long right?"

"Oh yeah for sure."

"Awesome. Well thanks."

"No problem!"

*end convo*


Is it strange that I think I have a crush on this person?? And might POSSIBLY be heading there now to see what he looks like? Yeah, I thought so too...

A Procrastinator's Guide To Doing Homework (In 28 Easy Steps)

1. Day of assignment: Think about how you have a glorious five days to do the assignment. Think about starting it that very night. Go out to see your friend's roller derby practise instead. Wince when they fall and hit the boards.
2. Day before assignment is due: Plan to get up extra early to get a good start on assignment. Wake up at 8 or 9. Convince yourself you just need another hour or two of sleep. Get up at 3pm.
3. Wander downstairs and make some food. Ooo and ahhh about books that finally arrived in the mail for you from amazon. Read books for one hour.
4. Go upstairs to shower and get ready for another night class (not class assignment is due in.)
5. Realise there is no time to do assignment before night class. Vow to start right after class. Get to class early and try to buy your textbook for that class. Discover they are on backorder and that you shouldn't have waited until twenty minutes before class to buy it.
6. Stop for food on way home from class.
7. Eat food when home be reached in front of the tv.
8. Go to start assignment around 10:30; this of course means going to the computer where internet is located.
9. Just to "settle into" the computer, first check email and say hi to friends online. Check blogs. Google random things before opening up your school email to check on your assignment.
10. Realize you can't get in because the bastards haven't sent you your student number yet.
11. Half heartedly reach for your binder to check assignment. Realize table that binder is on is messy...tidy up table.
12. Find one of your new books on table...read for one hour.
13. Open binder. Realize pages are not three hole punched and need to be entered into binder.
14. Go search old room for hole punch. Find and inspect interesting things along the way, such as mates to socks you thought your dryer ate and a box of old cassettes of bands you'd forgotten how much you loved.
15. Meticulously hole punch every paper.
16. Do the same for your other classes' binders.
17. Realize pens are loose and need pencil case. Go in search of pencil case from high school two years before.
18. Find more interesting things in old room during search.
19. By 2:30 in the morning give up on finding pencil case.
20. Sit down to computer again.
21. Get reacquainted with computer again by checking email, blogs, etc. Decide to procrastinate further by blogging about procrastinating on homework on your blog.
22. Resolve to get up early and do assignment.

Here is what I am predicting what will happen past this step:

23. Toss and turn all night thinking about assignment.
24. Sleep in, rush assignment, debate handing in late.
25. Think of myriad of excuses to present as to why assignment is late.
26. Decide assignment has given you more grief than it's worth.
27. Stop caring about assignment.
28. Repeat all steps for next assignment.

Oh homework...will we ever be able to live in harmony together? Brush each other's hair instead of pulling it out? Reminisce and laugh over a cup of hot chocolate about the old days when we didn't get along?? Paint our friendship rainbow?!?

Quote-erific

Driving home from St. Catharines at 3 in the morning:

"Did that sign say 'Watch for slow children'?!?" -Me

"I think it said 'Slow, watch for children." - Laura

"Oh...it's much funnier the other way." -Me

Speaking of quotes, our overhead at the beach quotes that I submitted from our camping trip recently got posted on the site. Which means a) I'm famous and B) people all around the world can laugh at the sillyness! I'm glad we were able to spread sillyness around...cause really, if you don't have sillyness, what do you have? A life without sillyness is not a life worth living.

You can read said quotes here and here

Cinderella Pinatas

Pinatas: The only time you're rewarded for beating the crap out of something. Except maybe that stupid Ultimate Fighter show...shudup.

The other day I was killing time at Walmart during my oil change. While I fought off McDonald's cravings, I wandered down various aisles till I found these: Cinderella pinatas.

Is it just me, or does the idea of clubbing a beautiful poised princess for the objective of smashing her to pieces to get candy out strange to anybody else? What happened to the ugly donkeys?? Animal rights activists step in? I mean, did they ever think that little girls would be a little hesitant to beat the crap out of someone (that I assume) they idolize? Although I suppose they are blindfolded when they are carrying out the beating...than how heartbroken would they be to take off the blindfold and discover they had beaten Cinderella to death?? Oh, the humanity!

The only way I can make sense of this is to use the Cinderella pinata as an outlet for pent up rage for not being able to have the fairy tale life that she has...and for stealing Prince Charming. Lord knows how few good guys are left out there, and she has to seduce the best of them. However, that should be geared to a girl more of my age than a six year old. Hmmm...I think I just thought of a new marketing strategy for Disney pinatas! AND a new therapy exercise...not that I have any other therapy exercises...cause I'm not crazy. I swear. *cough*

Camping Excitement

Two weeks ago-ish, we (Diana, Dave, myself and Paul) went camping up at Tobermory. For those of you who don't know where Tobermory is, just follow Highway 6 north for about five hours, and when you see the sign that says "Losing Weight? Fight Back! - Tobermory Sweet Shop" then you'll know you're close. Other signs you may encounter are "Please Brake For Snakes" and "Rock on" ('Rockton' with the T painted out).

Good times were had by all, and I think I really survived quite well with the lack of showers, lack of microwaves, and abundance of red squirrels that somehow sound like rattle snakes. I knew I could take a few days of camping, but even by the end, I didn't go girly at all! Proud of me?? I am! *pats self on back*

The following is a succession of funny quotes and pictures from said camping trip. And as anxious as I know you all are to see the pictures, read the quotes gosh darn it! They are amusing. At least they are to me...and really that's all that matters...ha.

“Dave, do you recall hitting me in the face with the football yesterday?” –Lorraine
“I don’t think so.” – Dave
“I hit you in the face a few times...” – Diana
“Really??” – Lorraine

“We need to watch for the nudist colony…and the streetcar on someone’s lawn.” – Lorraine
“Aren’t there oversized things too?” – Diana
“YES! Dinosaurs! Ah, the landmarks of highway 6.” – Lorraine

“I just want to call someone it…nord. NORD!” – Diana

“Did you see that? ‘Speed signs doubled when workers present.’” – Diana
“You mean ‘fines’?” – Dave
“Yeah…did I say ‘signs’?” – Diana
“Yup. ‘Sorry officer, I thought I could go 160.” – Dave

“The cows aren’t showing us their butts so it’s not going to rain.” – Diana
“But they’re lying down so it IS going to rain.” – Dave
“The cows are giving us mixed signals!!” – Diana

“Do you think there’s a technical term for mooing?” – Diana
“Yes. Dave Newport” – Paul

“I like the taste of your eye-skin.” – Diana to Dave

“You could dry the dishes.” – Diana
“But I’m full!” – Dave

“Dave wasn’t snoring. He mewed a few times.” – Diana

“Diana are you ok driving?” – Lorraine
“…we’ve only been driving for an hour!” – Diana

“Paul?” – Lorraine
“Yes?” – Paul
“…I’m afraid a bear is going to eat me.” - Lorraine
“You’re paranoid.” - Paul
“What would you do if a bear attacked me?” - Lorraine
“I’d come to the funeral.” - Paul
“You’re a good friend.” – Lorraine

“When I jumped, I didn’t get any nose up my water.” – Diana after cliff jumping

*Diana goes pee, and we all exchange a look at the waterfall sound*:
“What, is there a horse over there?” –Dave

“Steak and hamburger…what’s wrong with that?” – Dave
“Beef me up Scotty!” – Diana

“Why don’t you shoot for the moon?” – Diana during Hearts
“Why don’t you shoot your foot?” – Dave

“Get away devil woman!” – Dave after Diana gives him the queen of spades and tries to make up for it through hugs

“Go get your uncle!” – Dave to small fish he caught as he puts him back in the lake

“Who cooks bacon with their bare hands? I do! Ouch.” – Dave

“Seagulls; rare and terrifying. Feasting on water snakes and girls in their early twenties.” - Dave

*pictures will come as soon as blogger stops being GAY...and I don't mean in the homosexual OR happy way!*

Little Lorraine

What a strange experience to read about where you thought you would be at this age from when you were young. Upon going through old memoribilia from elimentary school I stumbled across my school journal from grade 7:

Entry #17: Where do you see yourself in ten years?

November 26, 1997

10 years from now, I will be 22 or 23. I hope to be married (no kids yet) and to be a famous actress, author, musician, or something to do with animals (like a trainer of some sort). Oh, I wouldn't mind being a singer or in a band, either. I also, sometime in the future, want to move down to Florida. Maybe Tampa, or Orlando. Close enough to go to Disney World, Universal studios, Sea World, Busch Gardens, and other cool places. I like it down there because there's beautiful weather, and so many nice places. No earthquakes. I might even get to see a tornado or two!

I suppose I'm not 22 yet (not till next April) so my grade 7 hopes could still come true, haha. I can't help but wonder what the younger me would think of where I am now. I hope she'd go easy on me for not being rich and famous (yet, haha). Looking back on this entry, a few things stick out to me:

• I have no idea where the animal trainer/Florida stuff came from...that was probably the only place I'd ever really travelled to at the time.
• I clearly had no concept of how quickly those years pass by; Married right now? HA!!
• Apparently I had better spelling and grammar as a twelve year old than most people I currently speak to on the internet...or at least from that dang plenty of fish site. And I think that's more a commentary on today's level of literacy than my writing skills.

All that aside, I think I've discovered a new way to live my life; to make my younger self proud. Hopefully she's easy to please and has a special place in her heart for laziness and cheesecake consumed in large quantities.

The Flipping Of The Bird

It occured while I was about to pull out of my parking spot on one of my routine (and by 'routine' I mean extremely rare) trips to Canadian Tire. I had just finished returning my tent that I used to camp with all week. My mom argued that this was much like buying a dress for a dance and returning it the next day. I argued that A)I had every intention of keeping the tent and B) they said I had 30 days to return it. I chose to exercise that right because the tent is hexagon, and therefore ridiculous. I stand by my decision and rights as a tent-purchaser (we're unionizing next week) especially since the sales lady tried to argue that it was a 7 day over the counter return policy. I told her "I'll policy YOU!" ...Ok I lied about that part.

The van in the parking space directly infront of me was backing out. I noticed him slam on his brakes abruptly as another car veered into the empty spot next to him. As far as I could tell, he didn't come anywhere close to hitting the other car.

All of a sudden, the car that pulled in next to him (a carload of full grown ADULTS in beautiful traditional Indian clothing) start sticking their hands out the window and flipping the guy the bird. The thing that amused me the most was that it was completely sporatic: one person, than another, than another, as if they were deciding to take turns. Sometimes they would go in two person combos, and by the finale all of them stuck their hands out in unison to crescendo to the worst middle finger slaying I have ever witnessed, all while muttering what I am sure were angry sentiments.

I couldn't help but giggle to myself as I pulled through and drove away. Mostly because for the life of me, I could not shake the mental image of the family as a board of "whack-a-moles" randomly throwing up their middle fingers and the guy they were flipping off hitting them with a big rubber mallet.

Damien Rice: The Blower's Daughter ('Closer' soundtrack)

I can't stop listening to this song; it's one of those songs that just moves me, touches me in that deep recess of my heart that I hide from everyone, including myself most of the time. One of those songs that makes you want to cry, not just because you feel sad, but happy and sad at the same time. One of those songs that draws life and emotion out in a long line and makes you feel overwhelmed by the enormity of it. I know most people won't get that from this song, and probably think this sounds exagerrated, but that's what it does to me, and that's how it makes me feel.

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most...of the time

And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody else

Pizza and Violence; You Know, A Typical Saturday Night

The other night, Shawn and I were sitting in Pizza Pizza after I whipped his ass at pool (Shawn if you're reading this, I'm just kidding. To anybody else reading, I am serious.) While I made unpleasant faces over the burnt bottom of my pizza, a situation began to transpire across the restaurant involving the only other people in the restaurant:

Stupid 18 year old meathead to 15 year old punk kid stick boy: What are YOU lookin' at?

15 year old punk kid stick boy: Nothing man...

Meathead proceeds to egg Stick Boy on further. Meathead's two friends start chanting "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" with the exclamation marks and EVERYTHING.

Meathead starts pushing around Stick Boy. Stick Boy's 8 friends do nothing but surround him and watch.

Shawn and I exchange 'not knowing what to do' glances. I continue to watch the excitement like watching a movie, only with pizza instead of popcorn.

Once Stick Boy starts getting bloody as he clearly cannot defend himself well against this moron, Meathead's friend starts to panic.

Meathead's friend: Yo man, I know his brother, I know his brother! Let's get out of here!

Meathead and Co go to leave. Some of Stick Boy's friends go to leave too.

Stick Boy's Girl Friend to Me: This is crazyness!

Me: *stares blankly* Eats more pizza.

Meathead's friend#2 to Meathead: Dude, go back inside and get your hat and your other shoe man.

Meathead's friend #1 to pizza pizza guys: DON'T call the cops yo! DON'T call the cops!

Pizza Pizza guy calls the cops.

Meathead wanders back in and considers getting his shoe, which is in fact a flip flop. But upon seeing the kid again, and not wanting to lose face by walking out of the restaurant, he kicks his other flip flop off and advances again. When the flip flops come off, you know Meathead means business.

A cop soon arrives:

Cop: Alright everybody, break it up, break it up!! You *points to Stick Boy* sit THERE! Don't move! All you guys *motions to Stick Boys friends* sit down too!! You! *grabs Meathead by the neck...Meathead has fear behind his eyes* Are you on parole??

Meathead: Nah.

Cop: Are you sure?

Meathead: Yeah.

Cop: Cause you're big...you look like you would be on parole.

Stick Boy goes to get up.

Cop: SIT DOWN!!!!!!!!!

Stick Boy freezes and slowly sits back down.

One of Stick Boy's friends is talking loudly on his cell phone. The cop wanders over, takes the phone out of his hand, and hangs it up.

Stick Boy's friend: HEY, that was my mom!!

Cop: What are you all doing out so late, it's past your bed time.

Shawn and I: More munching on pizza.

Cop to us: Sorry to ruin your dinner folks.

Shawn: Just doin' your job.

Me: *thumbs up*

Shawn to me: Well...thank you for a lovely evening.

Dogsitting

Friday night I officially began my tenure as 'dog sitter' for my friend Kali and her family. I know all of 5 breeds of dogs so I won't try to label what kind he is, although I'm pretty sure he's a husky mixed with something or possibly a few things.

My first encounter with the dog had me laughing my head off. I struggled with the padlock (and later with the cage itself) to open it and let him out, but he was so overcome with excitement that he backed up, pushed the back of it open and walked out to greet me. He kissed me and jumped on me as I sat baffled with the closed padlock still in my hand. What, did you just put yourself back in when you heard me walk in the door?? Smart puppy. I also don't know what it is with dog cages, but I can't figure out how to open the damn things. This is sad for many reasons, the most obvious being that even the dogs I watch can figure out how to open them.

Yesterday I took Max to our family picnic and he was quite the celebrity. Upon telling Kali this she said "well, that was a mistake." Quite the contrary...my family loved him. "He's such a well behaved dog!" Kali's reaction: "REALLY!?"

When I returned that night to put him in his crate so I could stop off at home, he started barking and whining like he was being tortured. I could hear him grapling with the padlock in a vain attempt to escape. My animal sympathies got the best of me and I figured it would be ok to let him out for just a few hours while I was gone.

I returned later that night to find him thrilled to see me, and to see that excitement almost instantaneously dissolve to shame and embarassment as I discovered what he had done. I don't know how or where he got them, but he managed to get into a box of tea bags of all things. They were ripped open and nicely matted into the carpet of the computer room, as if he were making a finger painting for me (paw painting?). This time he had no objections to going into his crate as punishment. Kali told me one time they got home to find him go right into his crate because he knew he'd done something wrong. It's like the temptation is too much for him at the time but he's so disciplined he punishes himself.

Last night he slept at my feet and periodically licked my hand to wake me up and see if I felt like getting up yet. "Soon Max...soon." I fed him at 10:00 and went back to bed till 2:00. Hey, family get togethers are tiring events!

Today we went for a walk and I threw around the tennis ball for him. Before we left I had a hell of a time trying to find my car keys so I could lock the house up. I finally found them, of all places, in the keyhole of the front door. It's a good thing I made sure all the doors were locked last night. My car could have gotten stolen or I could have been raped and murdered. Luckily for me, all I ended up with was a slap on the head as I called myself various insulting names.

I'm having a lot of trouble trying to get him to pee and poo on command or when he is supposed to go. "For the love of gawd Max, please activate your bowels...it's for my well being as well as yours!!" Max doesn't listen to my begging. But he will drop the tennis ball in my lap as if to say "nah...I think I'll play instead."

He also threw up this morning. And I broke their sprinkler. Yeah. Don't think I'm going to be invited back.

I least I got free ketchup pringles out of the ordeal.

I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up

I bought a bike. Well, it's really the bike that my dad owes me for graduating grade 8 that I ended up buying for myself. He bought the helmet and light as compensation. (Yes, I have a helmet, light, AND a bell...it's the law people...the LAW...well...except the helmet part. You only have to wear one up to age 18. But really, who would take the risk of having their brains strewn all over the sidewalk?? Is it really worth it?? Always wear your brain bucket my friends. Brains are NOT meant for sidewalk decoration. That is why we have sidewalk chalk.)

Right. Now that the tangeant is over with, I bought a bike. It's a pretty bike, black and grey, lots of speeds and stuff...not that I really know that much about bikes, cause I really don't. I know it's a good quality bike and I can take it on trails or just for a stroll around the block if I so choose. It also came with a free water bottle and cage. Did you know that they have backpack water bottle things called camels? You just drink out of a straw that goes to your mouth and wear the water on your back...how cool is that?

Right. Now that THAT tangeant is over with, I bought a bike. I took it out two days ago over to Diana's. Now you must understand, I have only ridden a bike once since about graaade 5 or 6. So my confidence with said bike was as shaky as the handlebars under my grasp. I went slow and maneuvered over to the only busy intersection I would inevitably hit on my journey. The little crosswalk guy flashed and off I went with my pedestrian's (biker's?) right of way.

It was at this time that I noticed from my peripheral vision a truck approaching; he would have been running parallel with me had he not been turning left, into my path. He showed no sign of stopping, and we both hit our brakes at the same time. However, I think I hit mine a little harder than his. My bike jolted to a stop due to the brand new sensitive brakes, and I jolted with it; only instead of staying grounded on the bike, I somehow was jolted off of it. I couldn't put my foot down to find my balance and before I knew it, I had toppled over with my bike on top of me. After a brief moment of humiliation and realization of pain, I stumbled to my feet in time to hear the guy in the truck say "are you alright?" But not in a very concerned tone...more in a "if you're not dead I'm moving on" type of tone. Jerkface. Yes, his face was indeed that of a jerk's.

After licking my wounds on the sidewalk (not literally...clearly...OBVIOUSLY...) I pushed back some tears and kept onward. My leg is pretty badly bruised in two places but other than that I was fine. My first bike battle wounds. *sentimental sigh*

My issue is, I always feel like when I try something new I'm going to fail horribly at it. (Classic old fear of rejection type thing I guess). That's why it was so important that I go back today.

I totally took on that intersection and showed it who was boss. Oh yes. My performance was flawless. It included checking all areas around me and assuming that cars think I am invisible. My bike tires gracefully kissed the pavement as they glided me along to safety. I would have triumphantly thrown my arms in the air, however doing so I am sure would have caused serious injury or death. Thus the celebration stayed confined to my head...until I could let it overflow here. GET IT?? OVERFLOW?!? Booya...I'm going to bed.

Introducing Salsa Webcam Chatanugan

Last night Sandra hosted a BBBQ (the extra B is for BBYOB. That extra B is a typo) and although the weather spat on us a bit and threatened to send us a tornado, we prevailed. (And dare I say...excelled?) It was good times hanging with people I haven't seen in awhile and Sandra's cool tree planting friends. At one point I took over BBQing and had an interesting bout with the zuccini...I had no idea you could BBQ zuccini. One rule to remember: when it's mushy it's done. I also discovered how good a seat cushion Shawn makes. I'm thinking of marketing him. He even comes with a massage option....ooooooooo!

Here are some quotes for yours and my enjoyment:

• "What's a word that has to do with killing??" -Laura "...love." -Shawn
• "It's cause she was smoking pot." - Lorraine *Laura gives Lorraine a funny look* "I mean.....not pot......TOP....." - Lorraine
• *Laura has us all brainstorming a good name for her for roller derby.* "You should use an American Gladiator name...or an X-Men name...like Ice...or Rogue...or Jean Grey..." -Lorraine "NIGHTCRAWLER!!" -Shawn Other suggestions: Juggernaught Jesus...ok that's all I can remember, although we spent a good hour brainstorming names ha.
• "I'm going to go brush my teeth so that I don't eat any more." - Sandra
• "The last two things that you've said have been 'webcam' and 'webcam what what'" -Shawn to Dave
• "He's wearing sandals and it's completely throwing me off" -Lorraine

As cool as all my friends and the new people I met are, my favourite visitor of the night was actually not human. By making her presence known by endless meowing, we adopted Salsa Webcam Chatanugan. Or as Shawn named her, "Cat". She was named Salsa because that's what we fed her. Webcam...well it was kind of a theme throughout the night. And I have no idea where Chatanugan came from.

Her head was constantly tilted to one side for some reason and she was essentially skin and bone. Toward the end of the night I sat with her on the patio and petted her and fed her what I could. (I eventually went inside to give her a scoop of cat food and a bowl of water). The little bugger just wormed her way into my heart. Upon leaving I had to sit her down and make her understand that it wasn't her...it was me. She followed me where ever I went. Well, until she figured out I was leaving and wasn't giving her more food anyway. Smart cat.

The whole experience reminded me of how much I crave a pet and how much it sucks that I can't have one. (Whole family is allergic except for me). It's also making it awkward when I visit friends and end up spending more time with their pet than with them.

Hopefully this will be remedied when I move to Australia. Oh...did I forget to mention that?

*pictures to come*

A Family of Quotes

The following was assembled yesterday when we got together for Darren's birthday and later on the way to see The Devil Wears Prada. Personally I always thought the devil would be more of a Gucci type person. Erm, being. Character??
_____________________________

"Has anyone seen that t.v. series 'littletown'?" - Mom

"........you mean Smallville?" - Larissa

_____________________________

My brother Chris on his friend leading a worship song during a church service:

"He was talking during this really soft, worshipful music interlude and accidentally said 'praise the son of Jesus.' Then he stopped and was like 'wait a second...that's a bit theoretically incorrect...uhhh...' . Then he just went right into the next song...we made fun of him for the entire trip."

_____________________________

My other brother Darren reading his birthday card that says on the cover:

'Only a brother that is thoughtful, amazing, and virtually faultless can open this card.'

*the card is glued shut so that you cannot open it and must read the back. Darren does not accept this and rips the card open anyway*

"THERE! Now I am what the card says...I'M WHAT THE CARD SAYS!!"

_____________________________

Sidenote: When mom made her Smallville comment, I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote it down so I wouldn't forget it. Larissa sees me do this and says to my mom "You are SO getting blogged." They know me too well...

A side hobby while watching American Gladiator

Sue and I (with minor contributions from Cal) brainstormed the following when we tripped across American Gladiators on tv the other day. Gawd, I miss that show...if only for the purpose of seeing people get their asses kicked and laughing at them. Luckily most of that need is fulfilled through watching MXC.

Unlikey (but funny) names for an American Gladiator:

• creampuff
• gimpy
• daisy
• twinkle toes
• bucktooth
• skippy
• fattie
• twinkie
• flubber
• stumpy
• pink fizz
• chip
• skippy
• dwight
• any of the seven dwarfs

Suggested names for an American Gladiator:

• roadkill
• extinguisher
• vengeance
• oxide
• pillar
• carnivore
• wasabi
• piro
• fusion
• cougar
• zinc
• any of the x-men names
• barry

The emotional roller coaster of lost and found

I cannot describe to you the knot of dread and disappointment that forms in the pit of your stomach when you realize that something you love is missing...and possibly gone forever. Shock and denial set in as you are faced with the reality of living without it. You feel lost, alone...as if you have lost a part of your very self; a limb, or perhaps a vital organ. The feeling eminates in waves originating in your stomach, then dispersing throughout the rest of your body, ending in a hot flash of panic.

What you feel upon discovering said lost object is quite the opposite; a hot flash of exhileration, and waves of ecstacy tingling all over your body until you are fully consumed in elation. Those who have stuck by me these last few weeks will know of what I speak, and no doubt will share in my exuberation over finding the filler of the dull and empty void that I have suffered through.

Yes my friends...I found my CD wallet.

All of my little babies in tact...and although suffering from heatstroke, appear to be in all other ways, unharmed.

They were hiding in the backseat of my dad's car, behind the large headrest, and only visible through the back windshield. How they arrived there in the first place, I do not care...all that matters is that they are home, safe and sound.

I would not have noticed them had I not forgotten my license and had to sit in the passenger's side of the car on the way home. (In the morning I'm much too tired to notice anything besides my blanket and pillow in the car). The sunlight caught it in it's light, and I stared at it, wondering if it was some sort of desert mirage. Surely I had hallucinated seeing my CD's in other places these last few weeks...even checking places I had already checked five times just in case they magically appeared. Places such as my glove compartment which is really too small to fit the CD's in the first place. I thought I had thoroughly searched my father's car...I thought wrong.

All the way home from work I hugged my CD's to my bossom...running my hands along the soft plastic which felt as if it had slightly melted from prolonged sun exposure...admiring it's faint sparkles hidden in the navy blue...flipping through all my CD's to individually assure them that I would never leave them again. I will be purchasing a child leash to ensure this.

It took me a good chunk of time to compose myself. My jaw was dropped down for the first quarter of the ride home. My father had to endure endless rantings of "I CAN'T BELIEVE I FOUND IT...I CAN'T BELIEVE IT...I'M IN SHOCK...I THOUGHT THEY WERE GONE FOREVER...YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOOD THIS FEELS...YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I YEARNED FOR THEM...I CANNOT PUT IT INTO WORDS HOW HAPPY I AM TO HAVE FOUND THEM..."

Dad's response: "Well Lorraine, you can't take them to bed with you."

Yeah...we'll see about that.

Niagara Falls and the Denny's bathroom encounter

This past Friday night I ventured off to Niagara Falls with my brother, his lovely wife, and their friend Ashley who is up visiting from the States. Unbeknowest to me, there is a fireworks show every Friday and Sunday night in the summer at 10:00 pm with live (although somewhat crappy) music before hand. We got there just in time to see the show, which was pretty spectacular, except for having to endure my brother's orgasm sounds at every huge explosion. "Darren...those are sounds that as your sister, I should never, EVER have to hear you make."

It always fascinates me how mesmorized we all are by simple things; a bunch of falling water that does nothing but...well...fall. And big sparkly things that explode in the sky and make big noises...it doesn't take a lot for us to stare slack jawed at the spectacle. I'm amused by even simpler things...for example, the discovery that blueberries float at different heights. I know this doesn't sound very exciting, but put some in a clear glad plastic bag and fill it with water and I bet you'll think it looks cool too!

After the fireworks we checked out the new casino which I didn't even know existed. ie, I had always thought the old casino was the new one. How I could make this mistake, I'm really not sure...I guess the old one didn't seem that old to me. The new one was pretty nice...the slot machine ate three of my quarters. Something like that could only happen to me...it didn't even let me spin. It hated me, and the feeling was mutual. Some of you may wonder what I'm doing to Larissa in the photo to your left...I am pulling her shirt out in a vain effort to hide the contrast between our bodies just for a bit. Remember, camera adds ten pounds...or forty...and in Larissa's case takes pounds away...we're REALLY the same size. *cough* After grabbing a free water and pop (did you know they give out free water and pop?? Although I guess in actuality I paid 75 cents for it...blast you slot machine...) we decided to observe the blackjack tables. One guy was betting hundreds on each round and going up and down thousands of dollars. I'm not fast enough at math to play...I would probably sit there looking at my cards and say"ok...face card...10...plus 7...that's...*counts on fingers* give me a second... ok... seventeen... hit me... 4...*more counting on fingers* 21! Perfect. Hit me....no wait...CRAP..."

Soon Larissa's hungry kicked in and after much deliberation, we decided on...*drumroll*... Denny's. Mainly because it had pictures of the food on the menus which helps Larissa make up her mind instead of being faced with "everything looks so good!" Which still kinda happens but once she finds something she wants we take the menu away from her so she can't change her mind. We also decided that going to Denny's was like going to America. I said it should be like an American Embassy...American territory on Canadian ground, complete with grease stains on the lightshades. However, it was in the bathroom that the strangest occurence of the night took place:

*Lorraine walks into washroom and immediately is met by a female worker of about 16 or 17 years old who starts talking to her*

"Oh my GOD, I hate my hair, it's totally not working. I just hate it, I wish I had hair like yours and not this kind of hair...this is going to be the longest night EVER..."

"Oh yeah...that sucks...I think your hair looks fine."

"Really? Oh my GOD, I have to work till 7 in the morning and I hate my manager."

"Wow...long night."

"I guess I better check the bathrooms..." *she goes to last stall and takes a two second glance in: "That one's fine..." *slams door* "This one's fine..." *slams door* "This one too..." *slams door*

"That was easy."

*Lorraine starts powdering her nose*

"Oh, do you have an acne problem too?"

"Uhhhhh......"

"I hate it so much, I have it like all over my chest and my back and stuff..."

"Ohhhh...."

"So where are you from?"

"Near Hamilton."

"Oh yeah, I'm from Port Colbourne."

"Cool."

*she momentarily leaves to take out the garbage...another women approaches the sink and has nowhere to set down her purse to wash her hands so I volunteer to hold it for her*

"Thanks. Are you from here?"

"About an hour away...where are you from?"

"Oh I'm from Michigan."

"Oh that's nice...are you enjoying your visit?"

"Yeah it's nice here."

"That girl who was in here is sooooooo weird..."

"You don't know her?"

"No, she just started babbling to me as soon as I walked in!"

"Oh, I thought y'all was friends."

*girl re-enters and cuts me off in the middle of my conversation with this other women and starts babbling again...I finish up, say goodbye to the nice Michigan lady and run out.*

I cannot begin to relay just how much and obliviously this girl babbled...I can't even remember half the stuff she said because after awhile I just tuned her out...I honestly wish I could have videotaped the encounter, I was wondering if I was on candid camera or not. Thank goodness I have a blog where I can write about such strange encounters. *hugs blog* Uhhh, sorry I'm going to need a minute alone with my blog...please come back later...

Always a bridesmaid, never a...hey wait...I wasn't even a bridesmaid!!

But that's ok...I was the allocated pianist. That word makes me nervous...let's say allocated performer instead.

For those of you who don't know, which probably isn't anybody reading this since I think I've told everybody, their mother and their cat, my brother got married this past May 19. (I must apologize for the tardiness of this post...it's been a work in progress ever since as you will discover it is very, very long...) He got married to the lovely Larissa, and honestly I couldn't be happier with anybody he picked to marry. She just makes me want to hug her every time I see her. Or head butt her shoulder Homer-Simpson fashion...I'm not quite sure why. "*Stampy starts butting another elephant* You see Bart, just like humans, some animals are just jerks. *Homer starts head butting animal guy* Mr. Simpson, stop it. Stop it, Mr. Simpson. Please, Mr. Simpson...stop."

They decided to do a different timeline for their wedding day which actually turned out to be quite ingenius. This was the order:

• wedding pictures
• family dinner
• ceremony
• cocktail reception
• some speeches
• getting funky (dance)
• cake
• more dancing
• more cake
• dancing WITH cake
• me taking a picture of someone's butt when they weren't suspecting it

Yes, this was the official iternary.

It was smart to do this because without a big dinner that nobody really needs, they were free to invite more guests and didn't have to think "but if we invite them that's another $60!!" etc...thus they were free to invite anybody they wanted so we could settle into one big fun happy party.

The day started out a bit rainy and a bit chilly, so naturally we were all concerned about the outdoor wedding pictures. But Larissa prayed and got her miracle; the sun poked it's head out and the pictures turned out beautifully.

Larissa turns her face to the sun and enjoys her miracle

The Wedding Party

Alex and Levi, neice and nephew of the bride made the cutest flower girl and ring bearer!

Brother, sister, and a new sister-in-law. GUESS WHICH ONE I AM!!

Next on the agenda was the dinner. It was the first meal I'd ever had with alcohol in it. As you can tell, the dinner was very exciting:

Levi tuckered out on his father's lap

With all the celebrations one could easily forget: they haven't been married yet! So off we went to the ceremony. I kept a close eye on Larissa to ensure she didn't have any cold feet episodes...after awhile she got very sick of me constantly trying to keep her feet warm and handcuffing her to myself with a child leash. Now if that isn't love for your brother, I don't know what is! You're welcome man.

My nerves were starting to kick in before the ceremony and all the typical mental flash pictures of me starting to sing and croaking or walking up to the piano and falling flat on my face started to carasel through my mind. My nerves were soon eased by another distraction; Larissa's nephew completely stole the show. Once the little guy made it on stage, he completely forgot where he was supposed to go and just stood there. Once his mother got up there she took his hand and stood with him, and it was at this point that he thought it to be humorous to start stomping on the stage. It made a resounding echo you see, which added an interesting backdrop to their vows to each other lol. No amount of mother and aunt standing on his feet could make him stop, nor could my mutterings of "I'm going to kill that kid, I'm going to kill that kid...BUT HE'S JUST TOO DARN CUTE!" Hey, if Larissa didn't mind (as I'm sure she didn't because she was laughing at it too and loves him very much) why should I?

I fell in love with the music they played for the processional. It was taken from The Chronicles Of Narnia soundtrack and is a really gorgeous song. The rest of the wedding flowed relatively smoothly aside from Levi's antics. I teared up during the vows and could only think about how perfect this match was. My performance went off ok...my voice cracked on the first note but I think I recovered ok lol. No horrible flaws...we're all our own worst critics so I won't say anything more.

Me tickling the ivories and singing...Darren and Larissa picked a cute but not mushy song by K's Choice called Favorite Adventure for me to perform during the signing of the registry.
I feel like my mom by wanting to yell "STOP SLOUCHING! SIT UP WOMAN!"

After the ceremony came the reception, which was held in a lovely room at the Hamilton Art Gallery. Before the fun began, we had to get all the boring stuff out of the way; speeches ensued, there was a wonderful disorganized scurrying to get the guestbook signed, and a small goat was sacrificed. You know, the usual Christian customs. Speeches were actually well done; short and to the point, as it should be. Larissa's cousin even did a FABULOUS take off of the priest in The Princess Bride: "Marewiage. Marewiage is wha bwings us...togethaw...toooday." Also, Alex and Levi sung the snuggle puppy song. For the video of that, click here. And you can't have a wedding without wedding games, so we had the shoe game; various questions get read off (for example, who is more likely to leave their towel on the bathroom floor?) and while facing back to back the couple answers by putting either their own or their partners shoe in the air. Most of them were the same, but one or two were disagreed on.

Performing with some help from mom
"Oooo ooooo...snuggle puppy of mine...the way I feel about you is especially fine..."

Darren is more likely to leave his towel on the bathroom floor.

After all that, it was time to get funky! And eat cake...but mostly get funky.

A hideous picture that I debated if I should even post of me getting funka ala Elaine Dance

My best buddy Diana was my date. (Not gay...) Also needed a better pic after the hideous one.

Brother throwing the garter to the anxious crowd of single guys...who, after this picture was taken, stood and stared at it on the ground. Evidentally, unlike the single girls, men don't want to be the next to get married.

Larissa's sister made this cake and with the help of West Jet flew it in from Edmonton. Don't ask me how. It had "I love you" written in all different languages on it and was soooo delicious. (That's saying a lot for me since I don't normally like chocolate cake)

This cat started to peek in during speeches (the room we were in was all glass windows). When I showed Larissa this picture later she exclaimed "LOOK DARREN, IT'S OUR WEDDING CAT!" Only Darren and Larissa could have an official wedding cat...

Possibly my favourite of all the wedding pictures...Larissa was (jokingly) outraged at what someone said and I JUST happened to catch her expression (complete with unchewed cake in her mouth) as it happened. Hey, there's enough pretty pictures of her on here to compensate, haha.

Mmmm...food...oh cute dancing couple too. Mmm...food...

Larissa's thoughts: "I'm soooo glad Darren shaved today..."

After the ceremony there was a franctic episode involving a certrain bride's missing purse with certain very important tickets and passports that were needed for a certain honeymoon being taken in about five hours. After cancelling all credit cards and driving to St. Catharines to get personal ID so they could hopefully still take their trip, the purse was found, hours before the flight, and all ended up well.

Hopefully in the not too distant future I will be posting about mini-Darren and mini-Larissas.

In conclusion to this insanely long post...it was a good day. We love Larissa and have fully welcomed her into our family. She keeps Darren in check so we don't have to. I wish them lots of happiness.

And they lived happily ever after...except for Larissa who was forced to watch episode after episode of Babylon 5.

(For more wedding pictures, check out Darren's flickr photos and Larrisa's blog I might post more later cause there were some good ones I didn't get to upload yet)