Sometimes The Most Effective Way To Express Your Feelings Is Through a Pie Chart

Last night started off as a pretty average night. I came home from work, ate, relaxed, tv'd, internetted, and completely ignored my plans to go to bed at a semi-decent time. I'd finally started to drift off around 12:30 a.m. when I was awoken by what I can only describe as the sound of someone stomping in big, wet, sloshy rainboots down my condo hallway.

I was immediately extremely confused. My brain struggled to push me into full consciousness while trying to comprehend why someone would be stomping in big, wet, sloshy rainboots down my hallway in the middle of the night.

Fully awake and slightly terrified, I stared wide-eyed at the ceiling and weighed what I had heard against logic. I decided there were only two distinct possibilities; either there was an angry fisherman standing outside my condo door, or something else happened that only SOUNDED like an angry fisherman stomped down the hall to my door. Which was more likely though?

Reasons it could be an angry fisherman:

-Was raining today...could account for sloshy rainboots

-Building security not very effective. Could totally see some pimply teenager holding the door open with one hand for murderous-looking angry fisherman while holding six pack of beer, video games and graphic novel with the other

Reasons it would NOT be an angry fisherman:

-Fishermen rare in Edmonton due to lack of large bodies of water

-Have you ever seen a picture of a fisherman who DOESN'T look happy? Like, really.

Although I carefully weighed each factor, I was still pretty torn:

My next step was to determine if this sound was worth getting out of bed to investigate.

I quickly made a mental list of pros and cons for getting up:

Pro - If angry fisherman is present and threatening situation ensues, can better utilize mad ninja skills if not lying down

Con - Must leave illusion of impenetrable fortress created by hiding under covers

Pro - By getting up, I will burn 7 of the 400 calories I intended to burn off before deciding to skip the gym today

Con - On a scale of "unlikely" to "extremely likely", the odds of me tripping on something in the dark are "definite"

Pro - Angry fisherman might be cute?

Con - If there is no evidence to back up strange sound, will have no choice but to determine sound was a result of a bad food dream forcing me to sacrifice my customary fruit-roll-up snack before bed

Pro - Maybe the lottery ticket I bought last week WAS a winner, and the sound I heard was actually people excitedly hiding so that when I walk out of my room they will jump out and yell "SURPRISE! YOU ARE A MILLIONAIRE! Here is your oversized cardboard cheque. We apologize for how difficult it will be to fit it into the bank machine's deposit slot. Would you like to pay someone to deposit it for you?"

It was upon realization that the safety of my cat could be in jeopardy (I don't know how fishermen feel about cats) that I finally decided to conduct a quick walk-around.

I stepped into the living room, turned on the light and was astonished by what I saw...

As it turns out, my cat was the angry fisherman!

Apparently the sound of big, wet, sloshy rainboots stomping down a hallway is identical to the sound your cat makes the first time she yaks all over your floor.

Important Warning Signs That You May Have Turned Into a Sloth

• You have a mini heart attack every time you hear someone walk outside the door of your condo because it could be your roommate, and you’re not quite sure if you have enough time in between hearing her keys jingle and sprinting to your bedroom in order to avoid her seeing you sitting on the couch eating freezer-burnt ice cream in nothing but your underwear


• You sit on the couch eating freezer-burnt ice cream in nothing but your underwear


• The vacuum was successfully retrieved from the closet, but the only function it now serves is to stand like a Greek statue in the middle of your living room. You dutifully walk around it as to not disturb its artistic stature.


• “Hey, this blog I found is so totally awesome, like I mean, wow, it’s so incredibly funny and I could read it forever and then I could read it some more and OH GOOD GAWD how has four hours past already?!”


• The only reasons you have removed yourself from the crater your ass has created in the couch is for washroom breaks and to heat up a microwave dinner.


• You feel physically incapable of turning off the tv even though you have a splitting headache from watching too much of it and it’s long past the point that anything remotely decent or entertaining would be on.

  Pretty soon you’re stuck flipping between a rerun of Hell’s Kitchen (you know, the one where Chef Ramsey loses his sh*t and shuts down dinner service) and one of the Matrix sequels where Morpheous struts around in sunglasses that are supposedly so cool they don’t even need arms.

• “I seem to have spilt some juice on the counter. I should probably clean that up. Yup. Probably should.”


• The garbage and recycling are so very full but you insist on stuffing them down some more because damn it, you’re not taking both those bags out simply because some empty milk carton has the arrogance to take up so much space.

If you identify with any of these telling signs but are still unsure if you are a sloth, it won’t hurt to take immediate corrective action just in case:

• Peel yourself off the couch and go outside for a run.
  

  If this task seems too daunting or pushes you too far out of your sloth comfort zone, at least pull yourself onto the elliptical beside your couch that has rapidly been collecting dust since you discovered one side squeaks like a squirrel that swallowed a chew toy, subsequently causing you to pull multiple muscles because you think by shifting your weight around you can trick the elliptical into not making said squeaky noise.
  

  Use earplugs to circumvent the squeaks.
  

  For motivation while you are exercising, put up some red tape between two walls or objects in front of your elliptical. This will create the illusion that you are in a race and very very close to the finish line. (For added effect, play theme song from Chariots of Fire in the background.)
  

  Once you have completed your allotted amount of exercise time, feel free to run through the red tape chest first with your arms flailing gloriously in the air. Jump up and down in slow motion. Avoid any nearby furniture. (Important note: Unfortunately, simply thinking about exercising does not burn any calories.)

• Call a friend to come over at a specified time. Choose someone you know well enough to invite over but not well enough that you wouldn’t care if they came in and saw you living like a sloth. You now have a deadline to tidy up, vacuum, do laundry, shower and make yourself look like you weren’t rescued from a bayou and raised by a pack of mangy wolves who cared little for personal hygiene.


• Trick yourself into thinking that you are the Terminator, but instead of fighting evil robots from the future, your mission is to destroy dirt and uncleanliness in all its forms. Schwarzenegger accent and catch phrases should be used sparingly.

Warning – prolonged slothen activity could be hazardous to your health. If you have been suffering from intense symptoms that have lasted for more than seven days, please consult your physician, therapist, life coach, and contact a junk removal service to remove the stack of pizza boxes that is threatening to fall over and bury your cat alive.

Spelling & Grammar Pet Peeves

I was talking with a friend today about spelling and grammar pet peeves. While I in no way claim to be the all knowing authoritative source for spelling and grammar, and do (on rare occasions, ahem) make errors myself, I cannot help but be bothered by some very common spelling and grammar mistakes. I've also discovered a definitive correlation between the type of error and my level of annoyance. If I were to chart it, it would go something like this:

C Level Errors

Annoyance Level: Mild

Annoyance Indications: furrowing of one or both eyebrows, narrowing of eyes

• then/than
• to/too
• its/it's
• effect/affect
• whose/who's
• double spaces between words

B Level Errors

Annoyance Level: Medium

Annoyance Indications: Unsuccessful suppression of eye twitches, low grunts of disapproval

• you're/your
• there/their/they're
• desert/dessert
• where/wear
• were/we're

A Level Errors

Annoyance Level: High

Annoyance Indications: Yeti-like noises and mannerisms

• using three commas instead of ellipses (,,,/...)
• apostrophes in the wrong place, such as turning "doesn't" into "does'nt". (Saw this error on a shirt in Bluenotes one day. True story.)
• spelling the word "definitely" incorrectly such as; definately, deffinatly, definatly, and ESPECIALLY defiantly, which makes it a different word all together

One of my co-workers perpetually writes "defiantly" instead of "definitely", and I've been trying for months to find a gentle way of saying AHHH STOP WRITING 'DEFIANTLY' WHEN YOU MEAN 'DEFINITELY' BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU DO A SMALL PIECE OF ME DIES! Just remember; every time you write "defiantly" instead of "definitely", the terrorists have won.

My friend did mention that one of the only times it pleases him to see things spelt incorrectly is in a tattoo, and he sent me a link to this picture, which really just made my day:

I'm actually not incredibly surprised that someone who would want "I'm Awesome" tattooed on their back would spell it incorrectly.

Google (The Wise & Powerful)

I was in the middle of doing laundry tonight when I noticed one of my white shirts - despite having been bleached repeatedly - was still not looking quite as white as I would like it to. Being the resourceful perfectionist that I am, I immediately consulted the all-knowing Google.

Oh wise and powerful Google, the 2000's version of www.askjeeves.com, the modern-day magic 8 ball of all knowledge replacing vague, obtuse answers such as "ask again later" or "outlook not so good" with millions of answers of every colour, shape and size conveniently categorized into "results". But you are not only a provider of knowledge, oh no...you also add joy to already joyous holidays by presenting a lovely custom Google graphic logo. I always know when it's Halloween because when I google something on October 31st, I see the letter G is lookin' mighty smug in its witches hat, and those two little o's are lookin' mighty uncomfortable stewing in that cauldron. Although, I must say, even on an average day, just seeing those primary colours (plus that sneaky non-primary-coloured green 'l') softly dance around the curves of the Google letters makes me feel happy. I think because those colours subconsciously remind me of crayons. And, really, who doesn't like the thought of crayons?

So laundry...right. I log on to google (the wise and powerful), type the first three words of "how to get your shirts their whitest" and see google (the wise and powerful) - like an over-zealous student that sits at the front of the class and yips "OOOHHH OHHH! PICK ME, I KNOW, I KNOW!" while nearly falling out of his chair from pushing his hand so far in the air in an effort to answer the question before the teacher has even finished asking it - present me with its top ten guesses for what I am hoping to learn how to get. Here is the list:

Let's take a moment to examine the top ten things that people have googled "how to get".

• "How to get rid of fruit flies" is second ONLY to "How to get pregnant". We hate them so much that as soon as we conquer that challenging and highly emotional conception problem, the most prominent issue in our minds is dealing with those damn fruit flies.
• 50% of the listed items are cosmetic.
• People desperately want to know how to get a guy to like them, but not as desperately as wanting to know how to get a girl to like them.
• 'Bed bugs', despite being used for ages as a seemingly cute bedtime rhyme for children ("Goodnight...sleep tight...don't let the bed bugs bite...") actually DO exist, and, coming in at number 8, are much more prevalent than we might have thought. (Although, not as prevalent as fruit flies.)

On a google (the wise and powerful) sub-topic, have you ever googled yourself? I just did. Just now. Just for funsies. Check it out:

1,210,000 results! Google (the wise and powerful) loves me THAT much. I knew the feeling was mutual.

Trouble In Technological Paradise

My cell phone and I haven't been on good terms lately. There's been some bickering, some emotional manipulation, and even threats of violence. And while we generally try not to go to bed angry with each other, it's kind-of been inevitable lately. Patience and forgiveness are wearing thin. Naturally, I fully blame my cell phone for all of our issues. If it would just BE NICE and RELIABLE we wouldn't have anything to argue about.

I originally got the phone around a year and a half ago. I was home for Christmas in Ontario, on a tight budget, and willing to sign a three year contract if it meant I didn't have to pay a cent for the phone. I got my wish, and came home with the LG Wave. Which I bought mainly because it starts out red at the top and transitions to black, and gosh darn it, it looked pretty. (See picture). It also didn't seem strewn with unnecessary bells and whistles, which I honestly hate about cell phones these days. If I could buy a cell phone without a camera installed in it, I would, but I don't think they even exist anymore. What happened to single function devices? Everything has to be multi-functional, and yet all the functions it incorporates are not nearly as high quality as individual functioning devices. For example, there's no way a tiny little camera built into a cell phone is going to have anything close to the quality of my 10.0 megapixel 20x optical/digital zoom camera. So until they make that possible, I will stick to my single function devices. Such as my ipod. Which has 80 gigs. Which an iphone would not have. My point continues.

As far as I can remember, my cell phone and I generally got along pretty well. I can't remember exactly when it started - as I suppose most people in troubled relationships can't - but gradually my cell phone began to act...well...different. These actions included, but were not limited to:

• Lying when it said it was making a phone call. It would TELL me it was "calling", except there was no ringing, and then after about 30 seconds of waiting, I would finally get the cold, hard truth: "Call failed".
• Not giving me my text messages until eight hours after they were sent. (It chose 4:30 a.m. to deliver them.)
• Not letting me send out texts (possibly out of jealousy, as there WERE some male recipients.) It would tell me it's "Connecting" for five minutes before informing me "Message is not sent. General problems." GENERAL PROBLEMS? If you're going to screw up my texting, at least think up a worthwhile excuse! You stupid, stupid phone!
• Mood swings: one minute having a full signal, and the next having no signal at all. (While remaining in exactly the same location.)
• Closing itself on me in the middle of sending texts because I made the mistake of holding it vertically and apparently it just took too much effort to stay open in that position.
• Only staying charged for one or two days max. (Burnt out from all the arguing, I assume.)
• General brattiness: the T9 word function always changes "it?" into "i8.", I SWEAR just to annoy me. Also, when I type "chiropractor" it first gives me "chipossabuns". THEN I have to hit "next" to get to "chiropractor." Which is completely logical. I'm always texting about chipossabuns. (Is that even a word?)

Lately it's new way to irritate me has been to send the wrong "reply to" number when I text, so when someone tries to reply to me, they end up talking to some random person in Alberta, or, as occurred on one occasion, B.C. Either that or I receive replies asking "who is this?" because the text appears to be coming from a number that is not mine, and, let's face it, receiving a text that says "I just narrowly missed walking into a firetruck" may sound pretty bizarre to someone who doesn't know me or my texting ways.

I finally had it up to HERE with my phone, and decided that our relationship needed to come to an end. So I marched into Telus (a.k.a. the divorce lawyer) to investigate my options. They said they would give me $150 towards a new phone or $200 towards a "smart" phone. (Because clearly, the old phones are stupid phones. Hahahaha. Haha. Ha...ah.) However, if I don't want to incur any extra costs, I have all of two phones to choose from. One of them is an LG model that is very similar to the one I have now, and the other one is so old it's on the verge of being discontinued. SPEAKING OF DISCONTINUED; I was also informed that my phone, as well as the entire "Chocolate" line from LG, was discontinued months after it was released because they were just, so, BAD. I wish they recalled cell phones like they do cars.

The injustice of this entire cell phone situation has stirred deep within me, conjuring up some sort of Cell Phone Avenger superhero-type character who wants to right the wrongs for all those who have been screwed over by a cell phone service provider, or suffered because of the lack of quality of their cell phones. Here is my logic, and I'm really going to emphasize this, so you might want to cover your ears:

IF THE CELL PHONE IS NOT OF HIGH ENOUGH QUALITY TO LAST THE TERM OF THE CONTRACT, IT SHOULD BE REPLACED FREE OF CHARGE!

Why should the consumer have to pay for the lack of quality?! We're already getting screwed by outrageous phone plans, especially now that you have to pay to receive texting! (Don't even get me started on that.) If I buy a phone on a three year contract, I expect that phone to last the duration of the contract. And that is just how it should be! And each one of us needs to step up and fight for how it should be. Let's ban together! Riot for cell phone quality! Protect the rights of the consumer! Better cell phone service for all! *flips cape*

All The Good Ones Are Taken

It's just so frustrating.  Every time I find a new one that I think has potential, I find out just as soon - taken.  What's a girl to do?  You know what I'm talking about...email addresses.

The one I currently use I have had since I was in gradeschool.  As I type, there are 286 unread emails sitting in the inbox that consist of everything from forwards I'm too lazy to read to special offers from amazon to notices that it's time to pay my utility bills.  Aside from the sheer mass of emails I receive that I neither need nor want, my user name has underscores in between each word, and gosh darn it, I'm lazy. I want a user name/email address that I don't have to reach all the way up to the numerical row to type in. Plus, trying to tell it to someone goes something like this: "Ok. So my email is 'just, underscore, little, underscore, old, underscore, me.'" A slight pain in the ass.

So off I went to gmail to see what was available. (Too much spam in hotmail. I was baffled as to why I wrote viagra.com as there was clearly a Re: in the subject line. Those tricky tricky penis enlarging/sexual drive enhancing advertisers.) 

I finally figured out one I liked. One that was cute and encompasses everything I am in a simple few words.  rainyc. But...this user name is taken. *dun dun dun*

rainy.c is taken.  Lorrainey.c is taken.  I could do rainyc with a number on the end, but I have always vowed to stay away from that. It feels like selling out somehow. Sure, I could have my own unique email address, but the only thing differing it from the other rainyc's out there would be the number. I am not just another rainyc. I am an original rainyc. Some other unoriginal rainyc's just got to my username first.

I have a plethora of other names I have considered:

• twiddlingmythumbs@gmail.com (taken)
• eniarrol@gmail.com (Lorraine backwards) (taken)
• iwalkintowalls@gmail.com (taken) (also true story)

The only ones I could find that were available were:

• sushimakesmegag@gmail.com
• overflowfrommyhead@gmail.com
• stillneedsabib@gmail.com
• iwalkintocoffeetables@gmail.com

Even 'allthegoodnamesaretaken@gmail.com' is taken. It's ridiculous.

Now I know I'm making a big deal of this, I know I should just pick one and stick to it. But it's a big deal for me. So many things are linked through email nowadays. And you have to pick one that is simple, that is age friendly (I don't think my mom would love an email address like hellsyeah@gmail.com) and you're not embarrassed to give out. 

And so the search continues. I'm open to suggestions.  

Crazy Edmonton Weather

Things I have learned about Edmonton weather:

• Don't laugh at the "No parking: Snow route" sign when you are parking because the weather has been in the plus twenties lately. Surely, you will wake up to your car buried in two feet of snow the next day. (True story.)
• If it's sunny in the morning, there is probably more of a chance that you will get rained on later in the day than if it is rainy in the morning.
• 'Tornado warning' in Edmonton does not mean a huge F4 or F5 tornado like one in Kansas or Oklahoma is coming. It means 'funnel cloud might touch down in a farmer's field and whip up some corn'.
• You CAN play softball an hour after a severe thunderstorm and heavy rain and flooding so bad in one part of the city that it went over the hoods of cars.
• If it's raining and thunderstorming in one end of the city, it's probably nice and sunny in the opposite part.
• My car can stand up to hail a lot better than I thought it could.
• Apparently one time it snowed at least once during every single month of the year here.
• The day you don't bring your umbrella to work is the day you will get caught in heavy rain.
• It's a very strange feeling to be slipping on ice from large hail stones when it is +20 outside.

Yesterday Nikki and I witnessed a hail storm from her apartment. Here are some pics I took with my cell phone:

Please note the cute neon in the distance, bravely braving the weather.

Hail gathered under a tree.

How big the hailstones were.

Here are some other pictures I have randomly taken around Edmonton with my cell phone of the whacky weather:

Just getting onto the Whitemud from 159th street. My first attempt at tornado chasing.

I love this picture except for my stupid day pass at Elk Island ruining it in the reflection.

For a storm lover such as myself, I have to say...I totally moved to the right city.

For Sale

One (1) soul.

-rarely used
-excellent condition
-would make lovely shelf display
-can be twisted into a cute balloon animal
-bulletproof
-comes in many different colours; most notably blue, grey, and black.
-free shipping
-no warranty available

Seller would like to sell as soon as possible. $3/obo.

Recap

SO. Last post on this blog = August 2007 eh. Interesting. I wonder if I had any loyal readers who didn't know me and wondered what happened to me. What interesting explanations would they have come up with? Ran away to join the circus? Went to clown college? Went to clown college THEN ran away to join the circus? (Logically, that would make more sense, no?)

Alas, I am alive and well. However, in the last seven months, I have....*deep breath...*

Packed up my little neon, moved across the country to Edmonton Alberta which was a lovely little adventure in and of itself involving beautiful scenery across Ontario, flat scenery across the prairies, exquisite accommodations such as The Beaver Motel, visited long lost friends along the way, kept track of gas prices across the country and how they sky rocketed the further north in Ontario you go, had a truck driver request me to take a picture of him, saw huge statues of a goose and a sasquatch, and had my GPS tell me to turn into fields once I got into Edmonton.

Since I have been in Edmonton I have....*deep breath*

Spent a month puttering around and annoying the family I rent the basement from 'til I ran out of money and had to get a job which I still hold downtown in the oil industry and quite enjoy, met my awesome best friend Nikki (also my new music guru) and her awesome sister who are my partners in crime both at work and on weekends and essentially let me live at their apartment every weekend, started dating a boy, debated nominating our relationship for the "most miscommunication and worst timing of a relationship of the year" award (which we SO would have won), tried skiing for the first time in years and only fell when trying to get on the ski lift and then at the end of our very last run when I almost collided with the rental shop, tried snowboarding for the first time in Fernie BC and fell a whole lot more, experienced the coldest temperature I have in my life, had my car towed because I never felt like paying for parking, (I HATE YOU IMPARK!), got over my fear of public transit, started writing songs and poetry and playing guitar again, gotten hooked on "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" and "Extras", mocked the Calgary Tower for being a miniature CN Tower, become an Oiler's fan, got a free ticket to an Avril Lavigne concert BUT also saw Alexisonfire, went to Yuk Yuk's by myself to see Greg Proops whose autograph is now on my wall AND......found $20 on the bar floor!!!! Meeting someone famous or finding that $20...I really can't decide which is better.

I know you are all now jealous that you don't live in Edmonton too. Unless you do. In which case...you are probably sans said jealousy.

Right now I am going to...*deep breath*

...go to bed.

BUT watch for more updates! The blog wheels are a turnin' in my head! The next post will either be about healing alarm clocks or cheap pregnancy tests! I haven't quite decided yet. But BOY if that isn't incentive to check back, I don't know what is!

Negative Parking Meters

The other day a friend and I headed out to get some food at The Snooty Fox. (I almost wrote Snotty Fox...I'd imagine the restaurant would have significantly less appeal if that were it's name...) We parked, put money in the meter and headed inside. After a yummy breakfast complete with potato catapulting contests (actually it was just me launching them at him,) we came back outside to find our parking meter expired. The weird thing is it wasn't just expired, it was actually showing a negative amount of time by six minutes. In light of this occurrence, I must ask the following series of questions:

• Since when do parking meters actually start counting the time that's passed since the meter expired?? Am I really that behind on my parking meter technology?
• How does it get reset? Does it monitor the weight of the car on the parking spot so it knows when one leaves or pulls in, like a drive through?
• Is this REALLY how we are using our advances in technology?? Parking meters?? Who the hell is out there devoting their life to developing more technologically advanced parking meters? "I used my university degree to develop a better hearing aid for the hearing impaired." "I used MY university degree to develop a more efficient device for diabetics to keep track of their blood sugar." "...I used MY university degree to make parking meters count backwards."

Kudos municipal government. If you're going to start charging for expired time, I'm going to request a refund for the remaining time on the meter the next time I leave before it's expired.

Toronto, Kyle Wellwood, Sushi, Shoplifting, and Darrin Pfieffer. Good Weekend.

This past Thursday night, at approximately 9:38 pm, an insatiable urge to have a night out in Toronto hit me, and hit hard. So I called up my Toronto friend who lives right downtown and asked what he was doing the next night. I soon figured out he was at the pub due to how long it took him to put words together. But he assured me he wasn't drunk and we finally concluded that I would visit and we'd go out and do something. Friday night I called again to confirm and he said "I wasn't sure if I'd dreamt that conversation or not." Never make plans with a drunk person. Although the view from his condo is enough reason to forgive him:


Before I drove to Toronto, I stopped by to see Laura who was home sick in bed. She was supposed to have a roller derby bout the next day (also her birthday) but her doctor thought she had mono, so she couldn't play. Well, she could, but not without the risk of rupturing her spleen. Spleens are unpleasant enough when they are intact. Also, Kyle Wellwood, her all time favourite Maple Leafs player (who she is also in love with) was supposed to be signing autographs at the new Future Shop in Erin Mills the same day. While she was lying down, I snuck into her closet and stole her Wellwood jersey, and two pictures she had of him. Thankfully she didn't notice. The next day I got them signed and took a video clip of him wishing her a happy birthday/hoping she feels better. I burned it on a cd for her, along with some pictures I took of him. Here is the video of Wellwood: (please note his enthusiasm)

http://www.motionbox.com/video/player/359cd9b1181dbe



Now here is the video of Laura opening my present, which I enjoy much more than the previous video. I missed the part where she first figured out what I had done but got most of the surprise in:

http://www.motionbox.com/video/player/359fd7bd1a1ebe


Other notable parts of my weekend:

• Tried sushi for the first time and gagged. Although I do like sakki
• I accidentally stole a camera lens cleaner pen from Future Shop. But I felt so bad that I had mindlessly walked out of the store with it that I went back in and paid for it, after a good five minute internal moral debate
• Two words: Home Movies.
• Apparently Darrin Pfeiffer from Goldfinger thinks I'm hot. GREATEST COMPLIMENT EVER. Although I think he might need glasses...
• Dawn is working at 102.1 the Edge and I am JEALOUS. But it was awesome seeing her again. But I am JEALOUS.

Spring Cleaning

You know it's time to clean your room when...

• your mom starts taping signs that say "danger - enter at your own risk" on your door
• the pile of clothes on the ground is so high it's become an extension of your bed
• you have run out of clothes from your closet and just pick something out from the floor to get dressed. You also start losing track of what is clean and what needs to go in the hamper all of four feet away.
• you notice the Christmas gift on your bookshelf that you have still forgotten to give to your friend
• your mom always has to close your door so she doesn't see the mess and have a nervous breakdown
• you have to beat away objects and make a path to your door like an explorer with a machete traveling through the jungle
• there are too many towels on the ground and in the dark you can't distinguish them from your terrycloth house coat
• you realize that there have been three empty water bottles sitting on your shelf for the past six months and you have no idea why you kept them
• you forget the colour of your carpet
• you use the shelves of your closet to hang your clothes on because you are too lazy to hang them on the rack
  
• you've gained more than three bruises by tripping over things in the dark
• it takes any amount of force to open your bedroom door
• you start finding receipts from 2005
• clothes and various objects have overflowed into the hallway
  
• when you go to sleep, you worry about not waking up...because a stack of something could fall on you
• you wonder how many years of your life you will uncover the closer you get to the floor of your room
• you lose one little thing and you know the only way you are going to find it is by cleaning your entire room and finding it in the last place you get to

Quote-tastic

A compilation of some recent quotes from silly friends:

__________
On msn:

Me: So yeah, we broke up.
Darcy: *pause* Have you ever thought about what it would be like to not have lips?
__________

At the hilarious university play my friend directed:

*actress says her line and everybody laughs, including my friend who I am sitting next to.*

Me: What did she say?
Paul: I dunno, but it was funny anyway.
__________

Progressive Conversations:

Me: I hate people that shovel the snow onto the street.
Dave: I hate people that SHOVEL.
Me: I hate people.

Dave S: If you can't see, I'll angle my chair.
Me: I'll angle YOUR FACE.
Laura: I'll MANGLE your face.
Shawn: I like mangos.
__________

Me: *sees Paul blow onto his hands* Are your hands cold?
Paul: Nope.
Me: I just saw you blow on them.
Paul: I'm just MAINTAINING their heat.
*Lorraine and Dave exchange smiles*
__________

Me: My body is all messed up, it thinks it's time to be awake now at 3am.
Laura: My body is saying "Go to bed you idiot."
__________

Me: I think we lost the maturity when I said the term "opposite sex" and Dave said "hehe, SEX."
Laura: Then I said "hehe, OPPOSITE."
__________

Laura: Wait, so you CAN'T see her right now? That's CRAZY how mirrors work!
__________

For more retarded quotes, click here. It's my old old website pre-html when I was in like, grade 10 . Haven't changed it in years, but I love the quotes on it.

Until next time...keep fit and have fun. *cue body break music*

Random Excerpts From My Diary During My Trip To Victoria

• Holy crap, this pen is very glidey-like. Weeeeee...
• I'm going to try to write really neat. Actually that was me trying right there. And it's just as messy as my fast normal writing! Ridiculous.
• I watched The Office and Scrubs and The Simpsons on the plane. Satellite TV: God's gift to planes. And us.
• A moment from The Office: How to take off a bra according to Michael Scott: Twist until something breaks
• I keep meaning to write this and I kept forgetting: Ahem. 'Remarkably, there was an incredible lack of snakes on my plane.' I'm glad I finally got that out.
• Steve dragged himself out of bed for me so we could go swimming, even though he was tired and forgot his bathing suit. We had to invest in a disposable one. Who ever heard of disposable bathing suits!? He was very reluctant to get into the blue plasticy contraption, but he did. It wasn't long before the outer layer of the ass split, revealing some nice hidden white plastic. Thankfully we were the only people at the pool.
• Yup...I fly all the way here and now a predicted massive earthquake is going to ruin my vacation. If I was going to die out here, I thought it would at least be in a firey plane crash, or in the trunk of a car with my limbs bound in duct tape. Not by earthquake! I think it would be the understatement of the year to say that would really really REALLY suck.
• No earthquake yet. Except the tremors that vibrate through the ground when I walk because of the weight gain due to eating bacon and eggs every day.
• He put me on the radio. I was very excited. Then I got tired. The end.
• Favourite things we yelled out/commented during WWE Smackdown:
• Give him the chair!
• Have you tried talking this out?
• I like your pants
• Go back to Maine!
• I admire your passion!
• They should throw some alligators in the ring. Hungry ones. That have been poked with a stick all day.
• It almost looked like he made contact there.
• I wonder if Hallmark has a line of WWE cards? "I'm sorry I knocked you unconscious with the chair."
• Allen wanted me to bring a sign that said "kill the ref"
• "Honey, if you keep listening to this song, I'm going to start having an erection...around men." -Steve while I was listening to a Lifehouse song
• Watched the sunrise from my first flight in a semi-conscious state. Just before it broke over the horizon it illuminated a golden lining on top of the clouds. It was gorgeous. Then I closed the horrible bright morning light out and tried to sleep.
• I can't believe they made me check my make up bag. What, 'cause I might stab someone with my eyeliner?!?
• Is it weird that I like turbulence? It shakes things up...HA...*cough*
• "Can I ask you something?" "As long as it requires no thought whatsoever." "It's very serious...would you...eat...a blue canteloupe?" "Does it taste like normal cantaloupe or blue canteloupe?" "Blue. And you're starving." "Yes...yes I would."
• The remainder of this entry will be random thoughts. (Moreso.)
• "Andrea and Alan fed me." "Oh yeah? What did you have?" "A huge waffle...AND..." "...chicken?" "What? How did you know?? 'Waffle' is not usually paired with 'chicken'." "It's my mind reading abilities. And I talked to them earlier."
• I kinda want to spit out the window from way up here. (Altitude 37, 338 feet)
• We just flew over Lake Superior. Watery.
• "How long does 18 km take?" "Well, if you go 100 km/h, 18 minutes. No wait, that's not right. Let me get my calculator. 100/18=5.5 Ok. It's not five minutes." *a few minutes pass* "So what was the highlight of your trip?" "60!!" "What?" "60/18. Equals 3.3 Ok. I really have no idea."
• Solution for having to pee? Drink more water. IDIOT.
• Geez, what is this, Star Wars? Are we dodging enemy fire?? (turbulence on plane)
• This concludes Lorraine's trip to Victoria. This time. To be continued...(?) (The question mark leaves it wide open for a sequel!)
• "Goodbye Save on Foods Arena...goodbye Frank's Hardware...goodbye street I don't know the name of that we never drove or walked down..." -Me "This is going to be a long drive to the airport, isn't it?" -Steve
  

Pack Rat Hall of Fame: Summer Hats

Apparently my family has skeletons in the closet. Except they come in the form of an incredible amount of summer hats. A few days ago I was cleaning out my old shoes from the front hall closet. Those who know me well know that once I start cleaning, I can't stop; so on I went to discover hoods belonging to jackets we have already gotten rid of, hot gloves with fur around them, and a box of water bottles including a Flinstones one from Canada's Wonderland. Soon I was onto the mystery boxes on the top shelf. What did I find in the box my mother labeled in permanent marker "Female Summer Hats: HOT! HOT! HOT!"? Not just female hats...but a multitude of male and female summer hats, some so old that if there were a museum for summer hats they would be surrounded by glass and signs that say "please do not use flash photography". How many hats did I discover total? 52. Do we wear any of these? No...no we don't. Why do we have so many hats? I HAVE NO IDEA.

Top Ten Hats
In order from best to worst (worst to best?)

10) A bright fuscia hat with "Lorraine" written on in fabric paint. Unfortunately I don't have a picture of this since I threw it out the second I saw it.

9) Purple and pink plastic visors WITH foam glued on for extra comfort












8) Ancient (and I do mean ancient) Walt Disney World hat, modeled by our very own hallway statue, Caesar. (He is also wearing Darren's old tie from when he worked at Carmen's when he was 12)















7) Speaking of Darren's professions, here we have two lovely hats from Darren's former places of employment; Kentucky Fried Chicken (from when he was a teenager) and Utility Reading A. Billing Ltd. (from a few years ago).

















6) Not one...but TWO Doug Conley hats. I'm guessing this was from the political campaigning days.

















5) Softball hats from every single year I played softball (consecutive years since I was about 8)














4) Esso "No Trouble" Hats. Three of them. Clearly we are very supportive of our gas stations.










3) My mom's old Revlon make up hat. *shudder*

















2) My old pink shiny hat that Darren and Larissa were nice enough to model for me. When I was little (like, 7. Ok 10. 15. Move on) this hat had everything I ever wanted: ie it was pink and shiny. Before giving this away, I made sure to black out in permanent marker my name and phone number which was written on the inside. I don't want any phone calls from shoppers at Value Village asking me "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?"
















1) Last but CERTAINLY not least: Rainbow coloured tie dye Caribbean Chicken. 'Nuff said.

At long last, us Conleys have finally come out of the closet. We have nothing to be ashamed of anymore. Some poor fashion-blind person at Value Village will inherit that shame instead. To them, all I can say is: I'm sorry.

The Geekiness is Hereditary

Spending time with my brother Darren and his lovely wife Larissa at their apartment is always a fun experience. Between him nuzzling her and me gagging at his unabashed display of affection, we also find time to play some form of card/board game and watch a movie. In between THESE moments is usually when Darren sneaks off to the computer to play one of his nerd games. This time it was Zelda. Getting him away from his games is comparable to pulling a dog on a leash away from that one spot he just HAS to sniff and thoroughly investigate in the grass. Yes, it's darn near impossible, except Darren is a lot better at negotiating extra time. This - along with the usual banter of every day married life (making food, doing dishes, laundry) - makes for some interesting and often geeky conversation around their household. During my stay there this past Friday and Saturday, I diligently compiled the following quotes:

"Darren come eat." -Larissa

"Just let me get a fairy!" - Darren

"If you were anybody BUT my brother, I would CALL you a fairy right now." -Me
________________________

"Darren why are you so complicated!? Just give me your pants!" -Larissa arguing with Darren about whether his jeans should be washed or not. Much funnier out of context.
________________________

"There's just this one part I have to do right here! There's a big gigantic fire do hickey!" -Darren
________________________

"Everyone thinks she's this delicate flower, but really she's the kind of flower that BITES you!" -Darren
________________________

"My first cloister! Oh wait, I said that last time, didn't I?" -Larissa playing Carcassone
________________________

"Darren, pause your game." -Larissa

"Ok, I just have to...ARGHHH!" -Darren getting beaten in his game
________________________

Yes, we are a family of geeks, but we are not ashamed to admit it. Our movie choice for this visit was Ham and Cheese at my insistence, and games of choice were Five Crowns and Carcassone, WHICH, in our defense, the actress who plays Pam from The Office is addicted to as well! If a famous celebrity loves it too, you can't be all THAT uncool playing it. That's my reasoning and I'm sticking with it. I heartily look forward to my next visit.

High/Lowlights Of The Season

Good Crap:

• First and foremost, at the very top of the list as I think it is clearly the most important, I was able to find the very last copy of A Muppet Christmas Carol on DVD.
• Turkey dinner. Yumerific.
  
• My family, after 21 years, still forgetting to put the ketchup out for me. Sure, I could just go and put it out MYSELF...but that's so much effort.
  
• Getting drunk off of ONE DRINK at Diana's house. Is dark rum really that much stronger than white rum?? That's the only explanation I can think of
• Sandra's work shift, although ending later than expected, not ending AS late as expected, so we didn't have to postpone our "not so secret santa" gift exchange for another week. It's a festivus miracle!
• Delivering Christmas hampers (laundry baskets full of everything you need for a turkey dinner, including the turkey) to those less fortunate and seeing their gratitude
  
• When Sandra gave me the biggest hug ever after she opened my gift to her containing a homemade scarf. Funny how you end up looking more forward to giving out gifts than receiving them. Same thing with a small photo album I made for my nana.
  
• My brother and I watching hours of clips of the Ali G show on youtube after Christmas dinner
• Finding the last copy of Miracle On 34th Street for my mom; I swear it was sold out EVERYWHERE
• Getting penguin pyjamas from my aunt. My coolness just went up .874 percent
• I received minimal amounts of chocolate, so working off the holiday pounds shouldn't take too long. It's just the pounds that were there before the holidays that may take longer...haha. Ha. *tears*

Bad Crap:

• On the DVD of my Muppet Christmas Carol, they had cut out my favourite song!! The only question I keep asking is why...why!?! WHY!?
• My oldest brother and his wife were in Edmonton over Christmas. Christmas dinner was a lot quieter without his stories and the fun frivolity him and his wife always bring
• Laura Sandra Diana and I didn't get to volunteer at a soup kitchen Christmas Eve like we wanted to. (At least it was because they didn't need volunteers)
  
• I almost took some lady's head off for parking in the handicapped parking without a permit at the mall. I didn't want to freak on her in case she did in fact have one I couldn't see. She clearly was not handicapped. I wish I'd had her towed but something about it being Christmas and crap made me swallow my anger
• My middle brother and his wife were four hours late getting to our house on Christmas Day so we didn't open presents until 5:00 pm. It had already started to get dark lol.
• I always feel really guilty after Christmas for getting stuff...if that makes sense...so much money gets spent on stuff for me that I don't even really need. Makes me feel very materialistic.
• My credit card is crying. I had to take it to the emergency room because it was abused so badly. With lots of band aids and gauze, I think it will recover just in time for the onslaught of February birthdays.
  

All in all I had a lovely holiday season. I feel the magic of Christmas less and less each year but it usually rears it's head when I need it most.

Now onto the magic of New Years...

How Nipple Tassels Invaded My Friday Night

*Warning: The following post is rated PG14. Possibly more. Be ye warned and not offended.*

There's nothing like going to see what you think is a band and walking in on a burlesque show. Doing so will result in the following comments between Laura and I:

• "Oh gawd...my eyes...MY EYES!! THEY BURN!"
• "I wonder how many STD's these girls have."
• "If she comes over here, I'll bottle her." "Good. We should never go anywhere without a beer bottle ever again, just in case."
• "Is she supposed to be drinking gasoline?!?" "THROW A MATCH DOWN HER THROAT!"
• "Apparently 90 lbs girls are sexy now."
• "Is the band going to start soon? I can't take any more half naked girls." (Laura to the bouncer)
• "Who drinks a smirnoff ice in a MARTINI GLASS?!?"
• "I am so grateful we sat behind a pillar."

I can't say it wasn't educational at all...I now know of the existance of nipple tassels. I can honestly say that this piece of knowledge in no way enriches my life. They were attached to a girl who had a chest like a twelve year old boy. I have no idea how they stayed on. Crazy glue? Ouch!

The strangest performance would have to go to the girl who held up a succession of signs: "Vote for me." "Buy my (*censored: means the same word as "stuff"*)" and "Die for me." With each sign she felt the need to lick the sides. I wondered how she didn't get a paper cut on her tongue. She finished the act by licking a bottle of gasoline and pretending to drink it. Then some old guy dressed up like a cowboy pimp started dancing around her with a sparkler. I swear, this really happened. It was like a car accident...you can't help but look.

My favourite part of the performance was when the big Cadillac symbol hanging behind the band fell down. Cadillac Bill picked it up and pointed to some ducks painted on it. All he said was "This thing has travelled across Canada about four times. Do you see the ducks?? You like the ducks??" ...I guess you had to be there.

When the band was done, I wanted to say hi to him because we had previously been chatting on myspace, which is where I found out about his band. I think the conversation went like this:

"Hey." -Me
"Hi..." -Bill
"Do you recognize me?" -Me
(At the same time) "Do I know you?" - Bill
"Uhhh...sort of...from myspace..."
"Oh. Which one?" (I took this to mean which girl, as there seem to be many he talks to on there, but in hindsight I think he may have meant which myspace since he has two)
"Um, I'm Lorraine...we talked about your baby raccoon." (long story)
"Oh."
"Yeah. Good show tonight though. You didn't suck."
"Thanks. You'll have to email me cause I won't remember this at all."
"Alright, see you later."

A lovely encounter, no? Ha.

We left shortly after that and ended up watching Charlie Chaplin on tv till 3am. Yes, it was a strange night indeed.

Lorraine Lingo

Effin - The phonetic spelling of "F'n" which is a short form of...uh...well...I probably shouldn't write that word on here. Only really works in written communication as to not be confused with "F'n".

Example: "That new Justin Timberlake song is effin dumbtarded."

Dumbtarded - A more politically correct version of "retarded" that I fully admit to having stolen from my brother.

Example: "My brother is going to think I'm dumbtarded for stealing his word."

Pants - Used as a curse word instead of traditional swear words. Can also be used as an expression of shock/surprise.

Example: "Oh PANTS, I left my keys in the front door again!!"

Mother Puss Bucket - See previous definition.

Example: "Mother puss bucket! That tube top is so small the only thing I could wear it as is a neck warmer!"

I'ma - Used to indicate one is about to do something.

Example: "I'ma go see if I can find a squirrel that resembles Abraham Lincoln."

Aheugh? - Similar to the questioning grunt Tim Allen makes in Home Improvement. Used to indicate confusion about something.

Example: "Luminescent signal quantitation with microplate or tube solution-based assays is performed with a luminometer, which measures light being emitted from a sample with either a PMT-based or photodiode detector, or with a CCD camera detector." "Aheugh??"

Fantastical - A variation of the word fantastic to make it different and more interesting.

Example: "I caught you a delicious bass." "Fantistical!"

Lovely - A former adjective now being used as a noun. I will call you this if I like you and you are a girl. Sometimes a guy if you're a little feminine.

Example: "Hey lovely, you have some mustard on your upper lip."

Love - Something else I might call you if I like you or I am being condescending or sympathetic. I will also say this one to guys. It's a habit from being friends with UKians.

Example: "I think you have to TURN the knob to open the door, love."


...More to come. Probably. Maybe. POSSIBLY.

A Procrastinator's Guide To Doing Homework (In 28 Easy Steps)

1. Day of assignment: Think about how you have a glorious five days to do the assignment. Think about starting it that very night. Go out to see your friend's roller derby practise instead. Wince when they fall and hit the boards.
2. Day before assignment is due: Plan to get up extra early to get a good start on assignment. Wake up at 8 or 9. Convince yourself you just need another hour or two of sleep. Get up at 3pm.
3. Wander downstairs and make some food. Ooo and ahhh about books that finally arrived in the mail for you from amazon. Read books for one hour.
4. Go upstairs to shower and get ready for another night class (not class assignment is due in.)
5. Realise there is no time to do assignment before night class. Vow to start right after class. Get to class early and try to buy your textbook for that class. Discover they are on backorder and that you shouldn't have waited until twenty minutes before class to buy it.
6. Stop for food on way home from class.
7. Eat food when home be reached in front of the tv.
8. Go to start assignment around 10:30; this of course means going to the computer where internet is located.
9. Just to "settle into" the computer, first check email and say hi to friends online. Check blogs. Google random things before opening up your school email to check on your assignment.
10. Realize you can't get in because the bastards haven't sent you your student number yet.
11. Half heartedly reach for your binder to check assignment. Realize table that binder is on is messy...tidy up table.
12. Find one of your new books on table...read for one hour.
13. Open binder. Realize pages are not three hole punched and need to be entered into binder.
14. Go search old room for hole punch. Find and inspect interesting things along the way, such as mates to socks you thought your dryer ate and a box of old cassettes of bands you'd forgotten how much you loved.
15. Meticulously hole punch every paper.
16. Do the same for your other classes' binders.
17. Realize pens are loose and need pencil case. Go in search of pencil case from high school two years before.
18. Find more interesting things in old room during search.
19. By 2:30 in the morning give up on finding pencil case.
20. Sit down to computer again.
21. Get reacquainted with computer again by checking email, blogs, etc. Decide to procrastinate further by blogging about procrastinating on homework on your blog.
22. Resolve to get up early and do assignment.

Here is what I am predicting what will happen past this step:

23. Toss and turn all night thinking about assignment.
24. Sleep in, rush assignment, debate handing in late.
25. Think of myriad of excuses to present as to why assignment is late.
26. Decide assignment has given you more grief than it's worth.
27. Stop caring about assignment.
28. Repeat all steps for next assignment.

Oh homework...will we ever be able to live in harmony together? Brush each other's hair instead of pulling it out? Reminisce and laugh over a cup of hot chocolate about the old days when we didn't get along?? Paint our friendship rainbow?!?