Conversation Medley: Spock, Euchre and Cat Tails

Via msn:

Me: My friend met Spock about a month ago.

Brian: When he was in Vulcan?

Me: Yeah, and Calgary.

Brian: He must get very tired of still being Spock...

Me: If I were him, I think I would be having an identity crisis for the past 50 years.

Brian: I think I would be tempted to get up at the podium...stare out at all the people dressed in Trek clothes...and tell them to move on.
________________________

While playing euchre:

My euchre partner: Why is it that you only win when I’m not your partner?!

Me: …because you’re not my partner…?
________________________

While I draw a picture of my co-worker's cat on her white board, she tells me a story about meeting her ex for coffee:

“So yeah, he walked in and…he has a long black tail with a white tip.”

I stop drawing and turn to her…

“…what? Wow, what kind of kinky guys do you date!?”

Cards For Coworkers

This email from Nikki, my fellow stuck-behind-a-desk-all-day friend, totally made my Friday afternoon:

K, so get this! I just got a card thrown at me to sign, and I assumed it was a birthday card because we celebrate EVERYONE'S birthday. Anyway, I signed it saying "Happy Birthday” and it turns out it was a Going Away card.

“You’ll be missed!”
“Good luck!”
“Happy Birthday!”

Oops.

I know I'm going to hell for saying this, but the only thing that could have possibly made this funnier was if it was a bereavement card:

"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"You're in our thoughts and prayers."
"Happy Birthday!"

New Methods For That Caffeine Fix

via text messages:

Nolan: Pumped for another exciting day at work?

Me: I was thinking about injecting coffee directly into my veins.

Nolan: Oh yeah? Weird...I was going to grind it and snort it.

A Surprise Around Every Corner. Well, One In Particular.

It was an average night after an average work day when Nikki and I decided to go for some average food at an average restaurant. We finished a scrum-diddly-umptious meal and headed out into the parking lot, giggling about something that I'm sure only we would find humorous. We turned to go around the corner of the building, and stopped dead in our tracks. Here is the conversation that immediately took place:

Lorraine: Um. That's a penis. That man has his penis out. 

Nikki: ...and he is peeing.

We abruptly turn around and walk back the way we came. Nikki is laughing uncontrollably. I am in a state of shock.

Nikki: I didn't see anything except the stream.

Lorraine: I noticed IT first and THEN the stream! He wasn't even using his hands to aim! He was just STANDING there! I don't know whether to be impressed or disgusted!! No wait, definitely disgusted!

I start gagging. Nikki laughs harder at me gagging, because for some reason, it's hilarious to her.

Lorraine: I really hate Edmonton sometimes.

Luckily when we went around the other way to my car, mysterious drunken peeing guy had disappeared. But I still gagged, (and Nikki still laughed) alllll the way home.

Ketchup Love

*Conversation over a breakfast sandwhich at Tim Hortons. With ketchup.*

Nikki: Why do you love ketchup so much?

Lorraine:...why do you love your BOYFRIEND so much??

Nikki: Because...he's pretty amazing.

Lorraine: Yeah, well, so is ketchup.

More Blonde Moments With Nikki

Via msn:

Me: Don't let me forget, I have to fast tomorrow.

Nikki: Why??

Me: I have to get some blood work done on my lunch hour and I have to fast twelve hours before.

Nikki: Oh. You're going on your lunch?

Me: Yeah, it's at 12:40.

Nikki: Oh.

Me: So yeah, I can't eat past midnight tonight.

Nikki: Ah...I was trying to figure it out. I was counting on my fingers and everything.

Me: Umm...if you add or subtract twelve hours to a time, it's still the same number...3 a.m. plus twelve hours is 3 p.m...

Nikki: ...leave me alone!

A New Take on "Sugar High"

Nikki: I LOVE these Rockets candies. I had them all the time when I was a kid. We used to crush them up and snort them and pretend it was coke.

*Lorraine looks dumbfounded*

Nikki: What?! I grew up in a rough town, ok??

Premonition

Driving home on Saturday night:

Thought process in Lorraine's head:

Why are these freakin' cars driving so slow?! Why do people drive EXACTLY the limit here? Get out of my way. Yeesh. Finally, I can accelerate. Okay, I'm only going 70k/h in a 60 zone. That's not bad, I can live with this. Hey, it's weird, I keep hearing about how they have photo radar here, but in the year I've lived here, I've never gotten caught. Which I'm pretty lucky for, because I speed a lot. Although now that I'm thinking about how I've never been caught, I'm probably going to get caught. Ha, wouldn't that be a crappy coincidence. That would suck. *Looks around nervously*

*FLASH*

Me: Nikki. Did you see that.

Nikki: Yes. You just got caught on photo radar.

Desperate for a drink

Nikki and I are waiting to get drinks at the bar at the bowling alley. The server is checking ID for some people ahead of us.

Server: Can I see some ID?

Young girl: *hands a piece of paper that looks like an official government document*

Server: *pause* I'm sorry, I can't accept this.

Young girl: Why not??

Server: Well...the picture is taped on.

In a recent MSN conversation with my UK buddy...

Me: So speaking of Gandhi, do you think non-violent non-cooperation could work in modern day society?

Euan: ...is this not the cutest squirrel EVER???

Best Friend Conversations

Having a conversation with Nikki about work using extremely advanced technical IT jargon:

Nikki: You don't need to do a computer account request form, just an equipment move request form. All you need is your asset number on your...box...thingy.

Lorraine: ...you mean your hard drive?

Nikki: ....yes, that.

Lorraine: You DO realize you work in IT, right?

Nikki: Shutup!

Sensitivity

Nikki: Yeah, that guy was huge.

Dani: Yeah. And his girlfriend was kinda hefty.

Nikki: Dani!! That's not very nice. It's not like she was a cow!

Metaphors, milk and mushy. Mmmmm.

Me: I need to get an oil change.


Nikki: ...is that supposed to be a metaphor?


_________


Lorraine: I want a muffin. And a glass of milk.


Nikki: What are you, five?


Lorraine: What are you, NOT five?


Nikki: What?


Lorraine: It's the best I could come up with on short notice.
________

*Lorraine and Nikki are listening to music on Nikki's ipod in her car*

Lorraine: Did that guy just sing 'I am a mushy!?'

Nikki: NO, he said 'I am a machine'

Lorraine: Ohhhhhhh.

*Machine line is sung again and Nikki starts giggling*

Lorraine: You TOTALLY heard 'I am a mushy' that time didn't you!

Sympathy

Nikki:  "Yeah, I still have a fever and the chills. I feel awful."

Lorraine: "That sucks. The missionaries staying with us this weekend are playing really horrible worship music really loud."

Nikki: "Ohhhhh MAN!! I feel SO bad for you!!!!!"

Hospital Humour

Yesterday Nikki and I had the pleasant experience of spending essentially the whole day at the hospital. It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't of been doubling over in pain and I wasn't weathered down with what I had just discovered was strep throat, a nasty sinus infection, and a nose bleed that was on the verge of needing to be cauterized. (Dry Alberta weather + sinus infection = Lorraine thinking she must be hemorrhaging from the brain.) But no, we could not be free to enjoy the multitudes of sick (and strange) people, rude receptionists and doctors, and the maze that is finding radiology. Something was wrong with Nikki, and we had to find out what.

After being guided from hallway to hallway, wrong room to wrong room, we finally found where we were supposed to be only to be told to go to the front of the hospital and go through patient registration. Back through the maze we went and got in line.

There was a sign posted at the front of reception:

MATERNITY VISITING HOURS

Friends and extended family: 4 - 8

Siblings and grandparents: 11 - 9

Father: Anytime

Nikki made a seemingly logical observation: "What about the mother?"

Lorraine: "Well...it's 'maternity' visiting hours, so...I'm pretty sure she'd already be there."

Nikki: "Oh yeah. Ha. I'm an idiot."

No Nikki, you are not. You do, however, have blonde hair...

Text of the Day

After texting Nikki for awhile while I am on the bus on my way to work, she writes:

"You're sitting on the bus beside a creep while you have a bloody nose...and I'm falling into holes. No wonder we're friends."

Happy 100 Posts To Me

It's been awhile since I've written on here my friends. My co-workers. Random people I don't know that apparently read this. Assuming anybody reads it anymore? This I do not know. I do know that I just noticed I spelled "co-workers" as "cow-workers"; not a very flattering term to my workmates. However, you wouldn't have known about this error since I already corrected it. (You went back to check didn't you...didn't you!) You see, that's the power of being the blog author. I know more about what is being written than you. I am omniscient. (Except I couldn't remember how to spell 'omniscient'. The online spell checker is omniscient in that regard). I also possess supreme editing power. Editing power that I exercise to it's fullest extent. What am I talking about you say? I'm not sure, I'm a bit out of sorts...you see, it's been a while since I've written on here.

HOWEVER.

Looking at my little summary page before I go into my blog, it tells me this blog has 99 posts. Which, if my math skills are correct - and I hope they are since I worked for so long in accounting, but I wouldn't be surprised if that's why the company is now going bankrupt - then that makes THIS my 100th post! Yaaaaay!

100 posts is really like any other post, I gotta say. Perhaps with some more wine or champagne or jello shooters, whatever you prefer. We have it all on this blog. And as much as I would love to celebrate...it's nothing REALLY momentous. What makes 100 so different from 99? I'll tell you the difference: 1. (Math skills again). However, that is THE very same difference as 99 to 98. So why not celebrate 99 as much as we celebrate 100? What is it about triple digits that deserves celebration? "I don't know Lorraine, you are the one having this whole celebration thing" you say? Ah. Well. Touche. (with the accent that I don't know how to do.)

I DID actually have a topic for this post before I noticed that it would be my hundredth post. It was a conversation that occurred today over our delicious all day breakfast at The Sunset Grill in Toronto in reference to a scene from The Simpsons movie.

Me (singing) "Spider pig, spider pig...does whatever a spider pig can...can he swing...from a vine...no he can't, he's a pig."

Laura: "From a vine?? He swings from a web! Why would he swing from a vine?!"

Me: "...I think I was thinking of Tarzan. SHUT UP I'M HUNGOVER!"

Maybe you had to be there...and if you were Laura or Vic or Sandra or Ken or myself, you would have been. But you're not. So. Too bad for you. Way to not be us. Loser.

Spider pig...spider pig...

Office Smack Talk

I recently got Laura, one of my best friends, a job at my work. Which means the days are a little less boring. And by a little, I mean a lot. We like to spice things up by emailing each other quotes from The Office throughout the day and making hap hazard paper airplanes to throw at each other when no one's looking.

So, in our comfy little accounting department, we have these two stamps, one to fill info out to enter an invoice and one to fill out info for paying an invoice. Today after some of Laura's usual smack talk, I menacingly held up the stamps to her and said:

"I will TOTALLY enter you and pay you."

"Lorraine...think about what you just said."

*pause*

"...OH MY GAWD!!!!!"

Quote-tastic

A compilation of some recent quotes from silly friends:

__________
On msn:

Me: So yeah, we broke up.
Darcy: *pause* Have you ever thought about what it would be like to not have lips?
__________

At the hilarious university play my friend directed:

*actress says her line and everybody laughs, including my friend who I am sitting next to.*

Me: What did she say?
Paul: I dunno, but it was funny anyway.
__________

Progressive Conversations:

Me: I hate people that shovel the snow onto the street.
Dave: I hate people that SHOVEL.
Me: I hate people.

Dave S: If you can't see, I'll angle my chair.
Me: I'll angle YOUR FACE.
Laura: I'll MANGLE your face.
Shawn: I like mangos.
__________

Me: *sees Paul blow onto his hands* Are your hands cold?
Paul: Nope.
Me: I just saw you blow on them.
Paul: I'm just MAINTAINING their heat.
*Lorraine and Dave exchange smiles*
__________

Me: My body is all messed up, it thinks it's time to be awake now at 3am.
Laura: My body is saying "Go to bed you idiot."
__________

Me: I think we lost the maturity when I said the term "opposite sex" and Dave said "hehe, SEX."
Laura: Then I said "hehe, OPPOSITE."
__________

Laura: Wait, so you CAN'T see her right now? That's CRAZY how mirrors work!
__________

For more retarded quotes, click here. It's my old old website pre-html when I was in like, grade 10 . Haven't changed it in years, but I love the quotes on it.

Until next time...keep fit and have fun. *cue body break music*

Mature and Responsible Lorraine

Sunday afternoon I did something very mature and responsible. Stop laughing...it is possible for me to be both mature AND responsible. Ok maybe not simultaneously. I mean, let's not get carried away here. I'm still mastering the walking and chewing gum thing too. But I have seem to have mastered the driving with your knee while putting on your mascara thing. Hmm, I must be a selective multi-tasker.

Although my task in and of itself was mature and responsible, (filing my income tax), naturally one of them had to give. In this case it was the responsible thing. I don't know how, but I somehow dinked around on the internet looking up various items on ebay from when I woke up around 1 (my one day this week that I could sleep past 7) until 3:30, completely forgetting I needed time to get ready for my 4:00 appointment. I raced downstairs, poured some cereal, ate it on the way up the stairs and jumped in the shower. (I was tempted to bring the cereal IN the shower but foresaw some problems. Such as soggy cereal.) Yes, I should have skipped the shower, but I just couldn't bring myself to. Besides, in my mind I can be lightning fast when I want to be.

I wasn't lightning fast (darn you hard-to-beat lightning) and soon found myself standing in my room half dressed and with wet hair at 3:55 pm. I couldn't go with wet hair...I'd get sick. OR half dressed...they'd get sick. So on went the clothes and the hair dryer.

Then I had my wave of brilliance...I could HALF the time it takes to dry my hair by using TWO hair dryers at once. On went my spare hair dryer.

For a few minutes everything was great. Then both dryers went dead along with any other electricity fed appliance in my room.

"Oh, nice timing! THIS SUCKS! *Lorraine growl*"
"What sucks?" -Mom
"The power is out."
"No it's not..."-Mom
"Yes it is.......?"

Sure enough it was just the power in my room and the room next to me that I had shorted out the power on. The universe punishing me for irresponsibility I guess. Stupid universe.

When I arrived at 4:15 I apologized profusely for being late. I told them how punctuality is not my forte and that they subsequently shouldn't be surprised I had last year's taxes AND the year before to calculate. One day...one day I will learn. One day when they invent clocks and watches that smack you in the head when it's time for you to do something.