Title: Master. First Name: Is what. Last Name: You Will Address Me As.

I logged onto Westjet's website yesterday to book some flights for my upcoming vacation. When I reached the section where you enter your personal information, I saw they had a new title available in the drop down list:

My initial reaction was to wonder if people other than Jedi Knights actually hold the title of Master, and if it is imperative they are addressed as such while travelling?

"Would you like a beverage, sir?"

"I'm sorry, I do not respond to anyone who does not address me by my proper title of Master."

According to wikipedia, it was formerly common (in Anglophone Canada) for the English usage of master to be followed for boys, when addressing letters or in formal address, but use of the title Master has now largely ceased, outside of highly formal situations (such as for weddings and wedding invitations).

...wedding invitations??

You are cordially invited to the wedding of:

Master Sarah Johnson

and

Master Tom Henry

Their parents hope that the union of these two Masters will result in exponential growth of Masterdom for the family and will produce many Master sons and daughters, who will then procreate with other Masters creating a Master societal hierarchy in which they will be the sole Masters with the most Masterhood.

At least, that's how I'd write MY wedding invitation.

My second reaction was HEY...I could have some fun with this:

Once I had exhausted all my ideas for things I could be Master of, I started wondering what kind of a debacle the following would cause:

I imagine it would go something like this:

Westjet Rep: First name?

Me: Last Name.

WR: No, what is your FIRST name.

Me: Last Name...

WR: Fine, what is your LAST name then?

Me: First Name.

WR: I just asked you for your first name!

Me: I know. That's why I said Last Name.

WR: Look. Just tell me what your FIRST name is. The one that comes BEFORE your last name.

Me: Last name.

WR: *head explodes*

Home Sweet Hotel Room

Today has been a gong show.  

Why is it that every year I fly home for the holidays (and by every year, I mean this year and last year) there has to be some ridiculous snow storm exactly when I am traveling? Is mother nature so cruel that she would send her frozen fury right at the time that everyone wants to travel for the holidays? Is she bitter that she doesn't have a family to visit for Christmas, and is taking it out on us? No Father Nature to cozy up to? No little mini-natures running around the...uhh...earth or sky?

Today started out with me being worried I was going to miss my flight at 4:40 p.m. Turns out I didn't have to worry at all. I could have even stayed home for a few more hours. My flight didn't leave until 9:30 p.m. This would be all well and fine if it was a direct flight to Hamilton.  Except this flight was only 36 minutes to Calgary, where I was supposed to catch a connecting flight to Hamilton. The connecting flight did wait, but not long enough. So here I am using a hotel voucher from Westjet at the Travelodge, which I arrived at with my voucher for a taxi from Westjet. Do I have a flight tomorrow? Nope. What did they say to do? Call between 10 a.m. and noon. WHAT!? I just tried calling Westjet and got a message along the lines of "Due to the immense amount of phone calls Westjet is experiencing, our phone system is not capable of holding your call. Please try again later." 

Honestly, I don't even mind the delay itself. There is no rush to get home as long as it's before Christmas. What upsets me is that my flight hasn't been rescheduled. And I'm sure any remaining flights to get anywhere in southern Ontario between now and Christmas are booked solid. And all I can think about is that I'm going to end up spending Christmas in neither of my homes, but in a Calgary hotel room. And that thought is so depressing that I may have to break into the mini bar. Actually I don't even see one in this room. Probably a good thing right now.

I have to say, so far, and despite what I have written, I'm proud of myself for taking all of this so well. Up until I found out my flight wasn't rescheduled, I was doing great. I was even laughing at the ridiculous things other pissed off travelers were saying. "You know it's all Westjet's fault right? They new from the beginning it was going to be delayed that long. They just kept delaying the flight by 30 minutes so we wouldn't get upset."  Now with this logic, either Westjet is incredibly stupid as obviously people would be more upset in the end, or the person who told me is immensely stupid for believing a conspiracy theory between Westjet and it's customers. I'm going with the latter.

What really gets me is the people who think they have a right to scream and complain to anyone wearing a westjet uniform.  When the customer service desk rep was asked when another rep was coming to help him with the insanely long line, he said soon, and some huge jackass behind me in line actually had the nerve to yell out "'Soon' according to Westjet means an hour and a half." This was after he discussed with someone how in "flight attendant school" they have a special course for time terminology (such as soon=an hour and a half). He also advised not to ask too many questions because they wouldn't be able to understand. I finally turned around and faced his immense beer belly and said "They're doing everything they can. There's no need to be a jerk!" He nodded and, I think, concentrated on not tearing me a new one. Anyone who thinks that Westjet intentionally delayed the flights and caused the chaos at the airport is off their rocker.  I wish that full grown adults had the maturity to realize hey, it sucks for everybody. Snowstorms screw up flights. It happens. Deal with your anger in a "grown up" way instead of complaining and screaming at people. 

Some funny things have occurred through all of this.  It was the first time I had seen a roll call done on a flight. We all raised our hands as we heard our name, just like in grade school. I wanted to yell out "PRESENT!!" but lost my nerve.  My favourite part was when they asked if Ryan Hays was on board;

Stewardess: Is there a Ryan Hays on board? Can you raise your hand please? Ok, I see two hands there. I only need one for Ryan Hays. Thank you.

I guess one was Ryan Hays, and one just really wanted to be Ryan Hays??

Other things that happened:

• Got "randomly selected" to be padded down by security. A VERY thorough pat down, mind you. I had to swallow back "So...are you going to buy me dinner now?" jokes.
• Asked for a tea when the beverage cart came by. Got it just as the pilot announced "we are now beginning our decent. Please place your trays in their upright positions and prepare for landing." Subsequently had to chug hot tea.
• Nearly yelled "DOWN IN FRONT!" at a child in the way of the Shrek Christmas movie they had playing at the gate.
• Voucher said "Travelodge, Mcloud". Taxi driver said there were two on McLoud. Naturally, only one took the vouchers, and we went to the other first.
• Fell asleep clutching my cell phone and laptop in a comfy chair in Second Cup.

Things that are happening now:

• I'm going to bed.
  

Here's hoping I make it home for the holidays. I'd give just about anything to hug my parents and hold my baby niece right now.

Recap

SO. Last post on this blog = August 2007 eh. Interesting. I wonder if I had any loyal readers who didn't know me and wondered what happened to me. What interesting explanations would they have come up with? Ran away to join the circus? Went to clown college? Went to clown college THEN ran away to join the circus? (Logically, that would make more sense, no?)

Alas, I am alive and well. However, in the last seven months, I have....*deep breath...*

Packed up my little neon, moved across the country to Edmonton Alberta which was a lovely little adventure in and of itself involving beautiful scenery across Ontario, flat scenery across the prairies, exquisite accommodations such as The Beaver Motel, visited long lost friends along the way, kept track of gas prices across the country and how they sky rocketed the further north in Ontario you go, had a truck driver request me to take a picture of him, saw huge statues of a goose and a sasquatch, and had my GPS tell me to turn into fields once I got into Edmonton.

Since I have been in Edmonton I have....*deep breath*

Spent a month puttering around and annoying the family I rent the basement from 'til I ran out of money and had to get a job which I still hold downtown in the oil industry and quite enjoy, met my awesome best friend Nikki (also my new music guru) and her awesome sister who are my partners in crime both at work and on weekends and essentially let me live at their apartment every weekend, started dating a boy, debated nominating our relationship for the "most miscommunication and worst timing of a relationship of the year" award (which we SO would have won), tried skiing for the first time in years and only fell when trying to get on the ski lift and then at the end of our very last run when I almost collided with the rental shop, tried snowboarding for the first time in Fernie BC and fell a whole lot more, experienced the coldest temperature I have in my life, had my car towed because I never felt like paying for parking, (I HATE YOU IMPARK!), got over my fear of public transit, started writing songs and poetry and playing guitar again, gotten hooked on "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" and "Extras", mocked the Calgary Tower for being a miniature CN Tower, become an Oiler's fan, got a free ticket to an Avril Lavigne concert BUT also saw Alexisonfire, went to Yuk Yuk's by myself to see Greg Proops whose autograph is now on my wall AND......found $20 on the bar floor!!!! Meeting someone famous or finding that $20...I really can't decide which is better.

I know you are all now jealous that you don't live in Edmonton too. Unless you do. In which case...you are probably sans said jealousy.

Right now I am going to...*deep breath*

...go to bed.

BUT watch for more updates! The blog wheels are a turnin' in my head! The next post will either be about healing alarm clocks or cheap pregnancy tests! I haven't quite decided yet. But BOY if that isn't incentive to check back, I don't know what is!

The Awesomeness That Is LA and Coachella

I think I'll move to California. I meant to bring it home with me in my suitcase, but it just wouldn't fit, no matter how much I sat on the top and yanked on the zipper. Plus, try sneaking that through customs.

Highlights Of My Trip:
-Meeting cool friendly people from all over the world who I thoroughly plan on staying in touch with
-Rage Against the mother f'n Machine
-Seeing multiple awesome bands every day (Do I use the word awesome too much??)
-Going in the pit at Rage. Until I got elbowed in the chest and had the wind knocked out of me. I like being able to breathe.
-Making fun of some dragon movie they showed on my flight to LA
-Not getting mugged/murdered/raped when trying to find my hotel in LA
-Driving down the interstate on a beautiful warm sunny day in a mustang convertible with palm trees lining the side of the freeway
-Driving into a parked car four hours before my flight home while going on three hours of sleep in two days and after I had driven it all over LA, Hollywood, on the Interstate and to Coachella which is a few hours out of the city. I felt like the universe was laughing at me, but I couldn't help laughing too. After a few choice words, that is. Thank God I bought the insurance
-Regina Spector: my new female musical icon
-Staying up all night partying with people from all over the world
-Having some guy steal my malibu rum as compensation for not being able to get into my pants. He was wearing a striped shirt that made him look like Waldo. I found it funny that I was playing a real life Where's Waldo when looking for him the next day to kick him in the shin
-The girl camp official person who was sent to "disperse" us saying "it's funny that they don't know I'm on shrooms" and then joining us
-When telling people I'm from Canada hearing them say "there are SO many Canadians here!" We took over the place, along with the Aussies and British
-Finding "I love my pony" with an obscene drawing written in dirt on the back window of my car when we went to leave Coachella
-Blatantly passing our alcohol over the fence into the campgrounds and not getting caught
-Having my tequila confiscated on the way in to the festival
-Having the son of the hotel owner offer to fly me down to LA whenever I want....? Also finding out he collects tractors. It's different, I'll give him that.
-Picking up an English accent from Johny and his friend James (although apparently it was a southern one and they have a northern one...?)
-Napping on the grass in the cool tent while listening to good music fill the air
-Singing Sublime songs in a circle of strangers with a guitar until the early hours of the morning
-Seeing police in riot gear
-Apparently a chopper told people to disperse or they'll be arrested when they formed a drum circle
-Dancing with some blonde guy from London. Having him make fun of me for asking London Ontario or London England
-Squirt bottles in the "will call" line with Aussies. Also playing Uno with them while waiting
-Chillin' at the pad of our new friends from LA which looked like it was from a movie. It was so LA. I can say that 'cause I've been there now.
-Getting lost amidst some really really nice houses while looking for the f'n Hollywood sign
-Johny getting soaked by some waves when climbing the rocks at Venice Beach
-Always being able to find my tent by looking for the big tent with the pirate flag next to our site

There was more but those are the moments off the top of my head. Right now it's competing with my trip to England/Scotland for being the best trip of my life. Possibly the best experience of my life. Johny was right when he said festival people are the coolest people you will ever meet. And who knew camping would be half the fun of the festival?

I have tones of awesome pictures and video clips but you'll have to look at them on Facebook since I'm too lazy to upload them here. www.facebook.com and look for Lorraine Conley. I should be the only one. I got some great shots, so take a look.

Already planning Coachella reunion 2008.

Coachella, Here I Come

I leave in 8 hours.

I'm scared but excited. Last night I was terrified...there was so much that still needed to be done and arranged. Most of it has been sorted out, but I still can't shake the thought that this is crazy. I've never planned a trip of this magnitude on such short notice, and I also tend to excessively worry about things that could go wrong. But when I look at the coachella website and see pictures of all the campers and look at the message board and see how excited everyone else is and how fun (rather than scary) everything looks, my worries really significantly melt away. And I'm going to meet so many people...including famous people. Thank you Johny and backstage passes. I hope I manage to squeak out something that resembles English and not consisting of "uhhhamm...Hiiiii, yeeeaahhh....I think you're, erm.....uh.....GREAT........totally. Sooo.....I me you famous n'....wha ummm....shnu???"

Maybe I'll just stay down in California, away from offices and paperwork and the shittyness that I've been feeling lately. It's doing things like this that really make me feel like I am living life and not just idly watching it pass me by.

Final thoughts:

-Is three sets of rechargeable batteries for my camera enough?
-Can they see alcohol bottles through x rays in checked baggage?
-I really like my new hair. Unrelated, but still relevant.
-I hope I don't get mugged/beat up/hurt/murdered
-This is going to be awesome

I'M GOING TO CALIFORNIA (gonna live the life...sippin' on tequila night after night...)

Sorry about the gay boy band lyric title. But I've had that song stuck in my head ever since I found out that...well...there's an excellent chance I am going to California. In just under two weeks! You see, there is this little music festival there...I'm not sure if you've heard of it...it's called...COACHELLA!!!!!

I couldn't possibly think of a better birthday present. *cough*This FRIDAY APRIL THE 13th*cough* Rage Against the Machine will be reunited...and I will be there to bask in said reunion. Not to mention the Chili Peppers! They're going to be Red Hot.

To add more randomness to this spontaneous trip, I'm flying down by myself and meeting my friend from England and his friend there. (In a little place called Palm Springs.) Johny English, as I lovingly refer to him, got me a ticket AND since he is related to the guitarist in the Arctic Monkeys, we also have backstage passes!! BACKSTAGE PASSES!!! I've never had backstage passes to anything in my life, besides like, talent shows I've been in. And even then we didn't have backstage passes...or talent for that matter.

Everybody seems to know somebody who is going to this festival. When I told my cousin Rob, he informs me that his friend gets to INTERVIEW Rage Against The Machine and have a photoshoot with them for The Toronto Sun. I told him to hook me up with her. I mean, not sexually. Although I would if it got me in to meet Rage.

So nothing is set for sure yet...I still have to confirm time off work and make sure flights are ok. But I just keep thinking to myself...I am young once, and there is no good reason why I SHOULDN'T go to this. Life is too short to make excuses not to do something amazing. And I'm pretty much at the point where I would say "Uh...you can either give me the time off work or I'm taking the time off work...either way I am going." I'm sorry, I just cannot turn this down.

The only hard thing will be not eating between now and when I leave so that people won't shriek in shock and disgust when they see me in a bikini. Although I've lost a good chunk of weight in the last month or two, I'm still not bikini ready. I am, however, beach and palm trees and good music ready. Goodbye unexpected April snowstorms!

Random Excerpts From My Diary During My Trip To Victoria

• Holy crap, this pen is very glidey-like. Weeeeee...
• I'm going to try to write really neat. Actually that was me trying right there. And it's just as messy as my fast normal writing! Ridiculous.
• I watched The Office and Scrubs and The Simpsons on the plane. Satellite TV: God's gift to planes. And us.
• A moment from The Office: How to take off a bra according to Michael Scott: Twist until something breaks
• I keep meaning to write this and I kept forgetting: Ahem. 'Remarkably, there was an incredible lack of snakes on my plane.' I'm glad I finally got that out.
• Steve dragged himself out of bed for me so we could go swimming, even though he was tired and forgot his bathing suit. We had to invest in a disposable one. Who ever heard of disposable bathing suits!? He was very reluctant to get into the blue plasticy contraption, but he did. It wasn't long before the outer layer of the ass split, revealing some nice hidden white plastic. Thankfully we were the only people at the pool.
• Yup...I fly all the way here and now a predicted massive earthquake is going to ruin my vacation. If I was going to die out here, I thought it would at least be in a firey plane crash, or in the trunk of a car with my limbs bound in duct tape. Not by earthquake! I think it would be the understatement of the year to say that would really really REALLY suck.
• No earthquake yet. Except the tremors that vibrate through the ground when I walk because of the weight gain due to eating bacon and eggs every day.
• He put me on the radio. I was very excited. Then I got tired. The end.
• Favourite things we yelled out/commented during WWE Smackdown:
• Give him the chair!
• Have you tried talking this out?
• I like your pants
• Go back to Maine!
• I admire your passion!
• They should throw some alligators in the ring. Hungry ones. That have been poked with a stick all day.
• It almost looked like he made contact there.
• I wonder if Hallmark has a line of WWE cards? "I'm sorry I knocked you unconscious with the chair."
• Allen wanted me to bring a sign that said "kill the ref"
• "Honey, if you keep listening to this song, I'm going to start having an erection...around men." -Steve while I was listening to a Lifehouse song
• Watched the sunrise from my first flight in a semi-conscious state. Just before it broke over the horizon it illuminated a golden lining on top of the clouds. It was gorgeous. Then I closed the horrible bright morning light out and tried to sleep.
• I can't believe they made me check my make up bag. What, 'cause I might stab someone with my eyeliner?!?
• Is it weird that I like turbulence? It shakes things up...HA...*cough*
• "Can I ask you something?" "As long as it requires no thought whatsoever." "It's very serious...would you...eat...a blue canteloupe?" "Does it taste like normal cantaloupe or blue canteloupe?" "Blue. And you're starving." "Yes...yes I would."
• The remainder of this entry will be random thoughts. (Moreso.)
• "Andrea and Alan fed me." "Oh yeah? What did you have?" "A huge waffle...AND..." "...chicken?" "What? How did you know?? 'Waffle' is not usually paired with 'chicken'." "It's my mind reading abilities. And I talked to them earlier."
• I kinda want to spit out the window from way up here. (Altitude 37, 338 feet)
• We just flew over Lake Superior. Watery.
• "How long does 18 km take?" "Well, if you go 100 km/h, 18 minutes. No wait, that's not right. Let me get my calculator. 100/18=5.5 Ok. It's not five minutes." *a few minutes pass* "So what was the highlight of your trip?" "60!!" "What?" "60/18. Equals 3.3 Ok. I really have no idea."
• Solution for having to pee? Drink more water. IDIOT.
• Geez, what is this, Star Wars? Are we dodging enemy fire?? (turbulence on plane)
• This concludes Lorraine's trip to Victoria. This time. To be continued...(?) (The question mark leaves it wide open for a sequel!)
• "Goodbye Save on Foods Arena...goodbye Frank's Hardware...goodbye street I don't know the name of that we never drove or walked down..." -Me "This is going to be a long drive to the airport, isn't it?" -Steve
  

Camping Excitement

Two weeks ago-ish, we (Diana, Dave, myself and Paul) went camping up at Tobermory. For those of you who don't know where Tobermory is, just follow Highway 6 north for about five hours, and when you see the sign that says "Losing Weight? Fight Back! - Tobermory Sweet Shop" then you'll know you're close. Other signs you may encounter are "Please Brake For Snakes" and "Rock on" ('Rockton' with the T painted out).

Good times were had by all, and I think I really survived quite well with the lack of showers, lack of microwaves, and abundance of red squirrels that somehow sound like rattle snakes. I knew I could take a few days of camping, but even by the end, I didn't go girly at all! Proud of me?? I am! *pats self on back*

The following is a succession of funny quotes and pictures from said camping trip. And as anxious as I know you all are to see the pictures, read the quotes gosh darn it! They are amusing. At least they are to me...and really that's all that matters...ha.

“Dave, do you recall hitting me in the face with the football yesterday?” –Lorraine
“I don’t think so.” – Dave
“I hit you in the face a few times...” – Diana
“Really??” – Lorraine

“We need to watch for the nudist colony…and the streetcar on someone’s lawn.” – Lorraine
“Aren’t there oversized things too?” – Diana
“YES! Dinosaurs! Ah, the landmarks of highway 6.” – Lorraine

“I just want to call someone it…nord. NORD!” – Diana

“Did you see that? ‘Speed signs doubled when workers present.’” – Diana
“You mean ‘fines’?” – Dave
“Yeah…did I say ‘signs’?” – Diana
“Yup. ‘Sorry officer, I thought I could go 160.” – Dave

“The cows aren’t showing us their butts so it’s not going to rain.” – Diana
“But they’re lying down so it IS going to rain.” – Dave
“The cows are giving us mixed signals!!” – Diana

“Do you think there’s a technical term for mooing?” – Diana
“Yes. Dave Newport” – Paul

“I like the taste of your eye-skin.” – Diana to Dave

“You could dry the dishes.” – Diana
“But I’m full!” – Dave

“Dave wasn’t snoring. He mewed a few times.” – Diana

“Diana are you ok driving?” – Lorraine
“…we’ve only been driving for an hour!” – Diana

“Paul?” – Lorraine
“Yes?” – Paul
“…I’m afraid a bear is going to eat me.” - Lorraine
“You’re paranoid.” - Paul
“What would you do if a bear attacked me?” - Lorraine
“I’d come to the funeral.” - Paul
“You’re a good friend.” – Lorraine

“When I jumped, I didn’t get any nose up my water.” – Diana after cliff jumping

*Diana goes pee, and we all exchange a look at the waterfall sound*:
“What, is there a horse over there?” –Dave

“Steak and hamburger…what’s wrong with that?” – Dave
“Beef me up Scotty!” – Diana

“Why don’t you shoot for the moon?” – Diana during Hearts
“Why don’t you shoot your foot?” – Dave

“Get away devil woman!” – Dave after Diana gives him the queen of spades and tries to make up for it through hugs

“Go get your uncle!” – Dave to small fish he caught as he puts him back in the lake

“Who cooks bacon with their bare hands? I do! Ouch.” – Dave

“Seagulls; rare and terrifying. Feasting on water snakes and girls in their early twenties.” - Dave

*pictures will come as soon as blogger stops being GAY...and I don't mean in the homosexual OR happy way!*

Some Of My Favourite Scotland Pics