Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Assholes Of The Season

1. Drivers. Not surprisingly first on my list. Two people changed lanes almost into the front of my car on the way home from work today. Idiots. Monkeys I tell you!

2. An ex relative of mine. Really. I can't believe some people exist. I think he is pure evil. The scum that grows on scum. The devil not so much in disguise. Mr. Burns without any humour or secret good side that once in awhile surprisingly surfaces. Dog crap after it's been eaten by another dog and crapped out again. Yes. My only satisfaction is knowing that as in all good/evil stories, the bad guy gets what's coming to him in the end. And by golly, he is long overdue for his comeuppance.

3. Bitchy people in stores. Not the workers. The other shoppers. I heard one lady ahead of me in line at Staples today being very rude to the clerk. I felt like saying to her "it's the holidays...don't be a bitch. *zig zag snap*

4. Me. Well. Just today really. Now that my last stressful day of work is over I'm good to go.

Merry Christmas Everybody.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Dear Fashion Industry...

I have a valuable piece of information that could help you sell millions more clothes. Here it is...no, come closer...90% OF PEOPLE ARE NOT A SIZE 0!!!

Do you know there are stores that average sized people cannot shop in because they won't be able to fit into the biggest size there?? I do not consider myself to be obese in any way shape or form, however I was apalled at how many clothing stores at the mall yesterday sport size 0's. Not just a few either...a lot of them. A medium or large was nowhere to be seen. Everything is small or extra small. I picked out a halter top yesterday that looked like a neck warmer. My friends comment? "Yeah Lorraine...I could wear that...maybe one on each thigh." She has a valid point.

Stop trying to squeeze us into your itty bitty clothes. We don't fit. We shouldn't have to fit into sizes that are too small for us. Expand your sizes from 0-6 to something a little more realistic.

Size 0...what is that anyway!?! That shouldn't even exist! 0=nothing...I am a size nothing. I have no size. I am a shapeless blob of nothing, therefore I do not need a proper size. What's next, negative sizes?

In conclusion, we do not need to be skimpy or shove ourselves into tight clothes to look sexy and/or attractive. Wisen up fashion industry!!

Sincerely,
A Pissed Off Lorraine

Sunday, December 11, 2005

The Work Christmas Party

I felt bad for the dj...I think people danced to maybe five songs he played. Evidently people at my work would much rather sit around at their tables looking bored than make an effort to have an enjoyable time.

Highlights include:
  • Getting drunk in front of my parents
  • Keeping my friend in check who had a bit too much...
  • Winning a bottle of Jack Daniels, playing cards and dice
  • Trying to dance in a tight long skirt and three inch heels while everyone else who was too lazy to dance takes pictures of the idiots trying to dance
  • Accusing the bar tender of cunningly placing the mistletoe above the bar so he could get some action
  • The DJ and I kept looking at each other (we were doing the flirting without talking thing. I'm so forward I am! I eventually went to talk to him...)
  • My mom coming up and trying to talk with me and the guy I was flirting with. She really thought there was nothing wrong with this. "Mom...I love you...go away."
  • Watching my parents FAST dance...a sight I have never seen, and don't wish to see ever again
  • Being the most dressed up person there (IDA YOU PROMISED TO WEAR A SKIRT YOU LIAR!) but really not minding it...
  • Having five minutes to do my hair and actually being able to make it look fancy and good for once...I SUCK at doing hair...
  • Eating the salads of both the people who sat to my left and my right. And my own.
  • Almost getting into an argument with my boss about capitalism
  • Finding a wine I can actually drink without making a face
  • I just remembered I forgot to tip the bar tender...but we had drink tickets AND drinks were $5.00!! Come ON!!
  • Dripping ketchup on my breast by accident, and then trying to look nonchalent as I wiped it off
  • Myles: "I'm Irish!" Me: "That's your answer for everything!"
  • Selling the pointsetta I won to Myles for $10. Feeling bad that I kept it even though he wouldn't take it back.
  • Hearing my boss tell a story how he and the cleaning guy got drunk after hours once
  • Accidentally overhearing my dad bragging about me. Then accidentally hearing how he thought I wouldn't be able to win Canadian Idol but that I would do well in it. (Thanks daddy)
  • Michelle taking someone else's wine from their table cause we ran out
  • Michelle loading me up with drink tickets (How did she get so many extra??)

That's all I can remember, although that's probably cause I killed a few brain cells that night.

All in all, it was some good times. I requested that we have one every week. Then again, I also requested open bar and ketchup at my table and that didn't happen...

Black Outs, Lost Luggage and Dining Room Tables Set On Fire

Who says life isn't exciting?

So I've neglected my new little hobby for the past few days...I think I've gotten intimidated since I emailed the link to everybody...instead of it just being for me now I have to like, make sure it's entertaining! I CAN'T STAND THE PRESSURE!

Anywho...Wednesday and Thursday some interesting crap went down. Well not so much interesting as annoying. We had no hydro. None at all. And to illustrate how much we take power for granted, I was packing my bag by candle light and was trying to figure out which curling iron to bring. I knew one of them didn't work but I can never remember which one. Naturally I plugged the first in to check. It didn't turn on so I logically made the conclusion that that must be the one not working. Until I remembered that neither would work since the bloody power was out. Ok perhaps that's not so much taking hydro for granted as my dim wittedness...but still...I...err...what was I talking about? Shudup!

Oh yeah...so my mom had candles lit in the dining room for some reason and one of them fell over and set half the dining room table on fire before she noticed and screamed. My dad wrapped the tablecloth up and over it to smother it and ended up burning his hand a bit in the process. I stared at the pretty glowing light. I thought our table had never looked better. Naturally, not one of us thought to grab the fire extinguisher in the other room. No no...who would put those together? Fire>fire extinguisher>put out fire. Nah...my family prefers to work with their hands.

To explain the last point in my title, my dad had just returned from Puerto Rico that day and Air Canada had lost his luggage. So. Thursday night. Not so fun.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Illustrating the world...and my blog!

Hizzah!! I can post pictures! Oh glorious day, oh glorious day...*cough*. Ok I'm done.

Road Rage; This Commute Is Going To Kill Me

Everytime my dad goes away on business (which is quite often) I am left to drive in to work by myself. (For those of you who don't know, we work at the same company). He's in Puerto Rico right now, so instead of sleeping on the way in and only having to contend with traffic driving home, I have to drug myself up on caffeine and try to stay awake for the commute both ways.

On the way in to work today I passed asshole after asshole after asshole, excuse my english. Honestly. If you have seen my website you will be familiar with what I refer to as a left lane clinger and a left lane ignoramous. They dominated the highway today to the point where I wished my car was a bumper car and I could just slam them off the road...in a loving Christian way of course. OR I thought of a huge giant mechanical arm attached to my car picking up the cars in front of me and placing them conveniently to the side. I should look into that.

Anyway, these are the cars that go in the passing lane at 110 km. Sure, it's speeding, but compared to highway traffic this speed is incredibly slow!!! You can drive JUST AS SLOW in the right lane which is PASSING you! But nooooo people INSIST on not being courteous drivers, subsequently holding up traffic and causing mini traffic jams. One guy I had to pass in the right lane had the nerve to flash his highbeams at me. Hey, I'm not the one being an asshole here! I innocently motioned that he should move into the right lane. Ok it wasn't quite innocently and was filled with some vulgar language on my part...and perhaps on his, I couldn't quite read his lips.

Why do people do this?? Honestly...all the way to work...one after the other...I'm not exagerating...is there some sense of shame in moving over to let people pass? Some stubborn arrogance that keeps them in the passing lane? Are we not taught in driving school to stay in the right lane unless we're passing? You may be thinking I am hypocritical in this thinking...I beg to differ. If I am going 140 and someone obviously wants to pass me, and there are no cars in front of me which would therefore make me impeding traffic, I move over and let the car pass. Should he be driving that fast? Probably not. But who am I to enforce what I think the appropriate speed should be by not letting him pass? I say let the idiots pass...let them get in accidents with other cars and not with you. I don't know why more people do not have this mentality.

I was honestly getting visions of bribing driving schools and the police to start teaching/enforcing letting people pass. If cops could ticket people that do this...well...that would make me that hap-diddly-apiest commuter in the world. Haha, I read that over as happiest computer...dear gawd...it's early.

My original point was supposed to be the effect this has on me. ie, I have chest pains right now. It's too stressful. Self induced? Maybe. Some days are fine. I suppose it depends the amount of assholes on the road or not. I won't even bother telling yesterday's story of the asshole who was flashing his highbeams at me and motioning WITH BOTH HANDS (steering wheel?) to move over. This guy was insane. I was three meters away from the next car in front of me, if I moved over he would have nowhere to go anyway. He tailed me like there was no tomorrow till finally steering around the traffic to the right and ending up two cars in front of me before getting stuck again. Way to go asshole...you get a grand gold asshole star. Ok I lied apparently I am telling the story of yesterday.

Ok time to get stressed more and start work. To all you bad drivers out there; I hate you.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

This Crazy Blogging Epidemic

In the past 24 hours, I have created 2 blogs. Now...you may be asking, as any logical person might...Lorraine, why in the CRAP do you need 3 blogs, including this one? Well the answer is simple. And I'll let you know what it is as soon as I think of it.

INTRODUCING!
The Awesomeness Blog...brought to you by Lorraine and her Scottish buddy Euan:
www.theawesomenessblog.blogspot.com

And...in a close second...The Drunken Intelligence Blog...brought to you by Lorraine and said buddy Euan...and perhaps anyone else who wishes to participate who has humurous drunken babbles...
www.drunkenintelligence.blogspot.com

Come visit us often...they will be too good to keep for our own enjoyment...why, it would just be selfish, really.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

How You Can Haunt Me After I Quit

Here are some things that, upon leaving my company, I never want to hear again:
  • timecard
  • spreadsheet
  • extension
  • purchase order
  • invoice number/date
  • ”May I speak to the person in charge of…”
  • WIP Report
  • Can you page Paul?
  • Can you tell him that _____ called? (That’s why we have VOICEMAIL jerk! I’m a receptionist, not a secretary!)
  • Accounting Code
  • syacc
  • reception/accounting/management drive
  • commute
  • "tucka tucka tucka tucka tucka" Purchasing guy always comes into reception saying that...

Here are some things that I never want to see again:

  • fedex waybills
  • a telephone switchboard
  • a NG on a fax transmission page
  • a metered mail machine
  • a commercial invoice

I could go on, but I’ll post for now and just keeping adding on and on until it consumes my entire blog……