Expanding The Family Empire

It's March 2, and I can finally tell the world a secret that I have been holding in for WAY too long.

Now don't get your panties in a twist, the baby the cartoon stork is holding is NOT mine. I'm still keeping THAT baby a secret. Ok kidding. Seriously, kidding.

However, I am about five months away from becoming an aunt for the first time! Ok so most of you will already know that. But did you know that I will be an aunt to...*drumroll*...a baby girl! OR, as my brother says, a very unfortunate boy. Her name will be Abigail (not sure how they are going to spell it) or Abby for short, and she will, I have no doubt, be completely spectacular.

I should clarify that Abby doesn't belong to Darren and Larissa who I often blog about, but my other brother and his wife who, due to the nature of their jobs, cannot be named. No they don't work for the CIA you silly monkey. That's completely absurd. What a typical "I can't name my job" guess of employment. Can't you be a little more creative in your blog posts?? I mean, employment guessing?

I can't convey how excited I am to be an aunt, I have been bugging them about it the entire 9 years they have been married. On the day I found out (way back in November) I was by myself at a gas station in Waterloo, just about to fill my tire up with air when my cell phone rang. "Lorraine, you are the fourth person to know that our test was positive." And then I couldn't stop crying because I was so happy and excited. I think it was my first experience with tears of joy. But I couldn't help thinking how everyone at the gas station would see me crying and think "that girl is completely overreacting to a flat tire."

So, world, prepare yourself for Abby. I will probably spoil her and be incredibly overprotective of her, but hey, what are aunts for? I leave you with my favourite baby quote:

"I thought we weren't going to emotionally scar him until he was older?" -Dr. Cox
"I MAY have painted his toes for funnsies..." - Jordan

-Scrubs

Sharing With Family

Sometimes my brother Darren and his wife Larissa will stay at our house when they are visiting in town. If I'm not home, they'll stay in my room. Such was the case the weekend I got home from Victoria. They picked me up from the airport and we all went home where my dad was throwing a birthday party for my mom and had invited lots of friends and family. (I stopped to pick up flowers for her, but they had no birthday cards to go with the flowers, so I got her a "with deepest sympathy" card instead.) After mingling for awhile, Darren, Larissa and I eventually ended up watching DVDs in my room, as is usually the case when avoiding excess people downstairs. As I started to unpack, Larissa said to me

"Oh by the way, I borrowed your deodorant while you were
gone."

"Oh. That's ok. You know, a lot of people have issues with
that but it doesn't bother me. I'm pretty sure you don't have rampant body odor or anything."

"Yeah, I didn't think you would care. If I thought you
would, I just wouldn't have told you."

Gotta love family honesty.

Family Dinner Conversation

Me: "So the doctor called me on my cell at like eight o'clock one morning, which I thought was weird because I don't remember giving them my cell phone number. Anyways, turns out my pap test came back and I have some abnormal cell growth."

Dad: "How did they get your cell?"

Me: "...uh...they took a swab...?"

*laughter around the table*

Me: "What?"

Dad: "Your CELL PHONE."

Me: "OH I thought you asked how they got the CELLS...I was like...'uh...manually?'"

Darren (talking as if he were me): " 'You wouldn't believe where I keep my cell phone' "

Chris (also talking as if he were me): " 'Yeah, my number is REALLY unlisted.' "

Pack Rat Hall of Fame: Summer Hats

Apparently my family has skeletons in the closet. Except they come in the form of an incredible amount of summer hats. A few days ago I was cleaning out my old shoes from the front hall closet. Those who know me well know that once I start cleaning, I can't stop; so on I went to discover hoods belonging to jackets we have already gotten rid of, hot gloves with fur around them, and a box of water bottles including a Flinstones one from Canada's Wonderland. Soon I was onto the mystery boxes on the top shelf. What did I find in the box my mother labeled in permanent marker "Female Summer Hats: HOT! HOT! HOT!"? Not just female hats...but a multitude of male and female summer hats, some so old that if there were a museum for summer hats they would be surrounded by glass and signs that say "please do not use flash photography". How many hats did I discover total? 52. Do we wear any of these? No...no we don't. Why do we have so many hats? I HAVE NO IDEA.

Top Ten Hats
In order from best to worst (worst to best?)

10) A bright fuscia hat with "Lorraine" written on in fabric paint. Unfortunately I don't have a picture of this since I threw it out the second I saw it.

9) Purple and pink plastic visors WITH foam glued on for extra comfort












8) Ancient (and I do mean ancient) Walt Disney World hat, modeled by our very own hallway statue, Caesar. (He is also wearing Darren's old tie from when he worked at Carmen's when he was 12)















7) Speaking of Darren's professions, here we have two lovely hats from Darren's former places of employment; Kentucky Fried Chicken (from when he was a teenager) and Utility Reading A. Billing Ltd. (from a few years ago).

















6) Not one...but TWO Doug Conley hats. I'm guessing this was from the political campaigning days.

















5) Softball hats from every single year I played softball (consecutive years since I was about 8)














4) Esso "No Trouble" Hats. Three of them. Clearly we are very supportive of our gas stations.










3) My mom's old Revlon make up hat. *shudder*

















2) My old pink shiny hat that Darren and Larissa were nice enough to model for me. When I was little (like, 7. Ok 10. 15. Move on) this hat had everything I ever wanted: ie it was pink and shiny. Before giving this away, I made sure to black out in permanent marker my name and phone number which was written on the inside. I don't want any phone calls from shoppers at Value Village asking me "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?"
















1) Last but CERTAINLY not least: Rainbow coloured tie dye Caribbean Chicken. 'Nuff said.

At long last, us Conleys have finally come out of the closet. We have nothing to be ashamed of anymore. Some poor fashion-blind person at Value Village will inherit that shame instead. To them, all I can say is: I'm sorry.

The Geekiness is Hereditary

Spending time with my brother Darren and his lovely wife Larissa at their apartment is always a fun experience. Between him nuzzling her and me gagging at his unabashed display of affection, we also find time to play some form of card/board game and watch a movie. In between THESE moments is usually when Darren sneaks off to the computer to play one of his nerd games. This time it was Zelda. Getting him away from his games is comparable to pulling a dog on a leash away from that one spot he just HAS to sniff and thoroughly investigate in the grass. Yes, it's darn near impossible, except Darren is a lot better at negotiating extra time. This - along with the usual banter of every day married life (making food, doing dishes, laundry) - makes for some interesting and often geeky conversation around their household. During my stay there this past Friday and Saturday, I diligently compiled the following quotes:

"Darren come eat." -Larissa

"Just let me get a fairy!" - Darren

"If you were anybody BUT my brother, I would CALL you a fairy right now." -Me
________________________

"Darren why are you so complicated!? Just give me your pants!" -Larissa arguing with Darren about whether his jeans should be washed or not. Much funnier out of context.
________________________

"There's just this one part I have to do right here! There's a big gigantic fire do hickey!" -Darren
________________________

"Everyone thinks she's this delicate flower, but really she's the kind of flower that BITES you!" -Darren
________________________

"My first cloister! Oh wait, I said that last time, didn't I?" -Larissa playing Carcassone
________________________

"Darren, pause your game." -Larissa

"Ok, I just have to...ARGHHH!" -Darren getting beaten in his game
________________________

Yes, we are a family of geeks, but we are not ashamed to admit it. Our movie choice for this visit was Ham and Cheese at my insistence, and games of choice were Five Crowns and Carcassone, WHICH, in our defense, the actress who plays Pam from The Office is addicted to as well! If a famous celebrity loves it too, you can't be all THAT uncool playing it. That's my reasoning and I'm sticking with it. I heartily look forward to my next visit.

A Family of Quotes

The following was assembled yesterday when we got together for Darren's birthday and later on the way to see The Devil Wears Prada. Personally I always thought the devil would be more of a Gucci type person. Erm, being. Character??
_____________________________

"Has anyone seen that t.v. series 'littletown'?" - Mom

"........you mean Smallville?" - Larissa

_____________________________

My brother Chris on his friend leading a worship song during a church service:

"He was talking during this really soft, worshipful music interlude and accidentally said 'praise the son of Jesus.' Then he stopped and was like 'wait a second...that's a bit theoretically incorrect...uhhh...' . Then he just went right into the next song...we made fun of him for the entire trip."

_____________________________

My other brother Darren reading his birthday card that says on the cover:

'Only a brother that is thoughtful, amazing, and virtually faultless can open this card.'

*the card is glued shut so that you cannot open it and must read the back. Darren does not accept this and rips the card open anyway*

"THERE! Now I am what the card says...I'M WHAT THE CARD SAYS!!"

_____________________________

Sidenote: When mom made her Smallville comment, I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote it down so I wouldn't forget it. Larissa sees me do this and says to my mom "You are SO getting blogged." They know me too well...

Niagara Falls and the Denny's bathroom encounter

This past Friday night I ventured off to Niagara Falls with my brother, his lovely wife, and their friend Ashley who is up visiting from the States. Unbeknowest to me, there is a fireworks show every Friday and Sunday night in the summer at 10:00 pm with live (although somewhat crappy) music before hand. We got there just in time to see the show, which was pretty spectacular, except for having to endure my brother's orgasm sounds at every huge explosion. "Darren...those are sounds that as your sister, I should never, EVER have to hear you make."

It always fascinates me how mesmorized we all are by simple things; a bunch of falling water that does nothing but...well...fall. And big sparkly things that explode in the sky and make big noises...it doesn't take a lot for us to stare slack jawed at the spectacle. I'm amused by even simpler things...for example, the discovery that blueberries float at different heights. I know this doesn't sound very exciting, but put some in a clear glad plastic bag and fill it with water and I bet you'll think it looks cool too!

After the fireworks we checked out the new casino which I didn't even know existed. ie, I had always thought the old casino was the new one. How I could make this mistake, I'm really not sure...I guess the old one didn't seem that old to me. The new one was pretty nice...the slot machine ate three of my quarters. Something like that could only happen to me...it didn't even let me spin. It hated me, and the feeling was mutual. Some of you may wonder what I'm doing to Larissa in the photo to your left...I am pulling her shirt out in a vain effort to hide the contrast between our bodies just for a bit. Remember, camera adds ten pounds...or forty...and in Larissa's case takes pounds away...we're REALLY the same size. *cough* After grabbing a free water and pop (did you know they give out free water and pop?? Although I guess in actuality I paid 75 cents for it...blast you slot machine...) we decided to observe the blackjack tables. One guy was betting hundreds on each round and going up and down thousands of dollars. I'm not fast enough at math to play...I would probably sit there looking at my cards and say"ok...face card...10...plus 7...that's...*counts on fingers* give me a second... ok... seventeen... hit me... 4...*more counting on fingers* 21! Perfect. Hit me....no wait...CRAP..."

Soon Larissa's hungry kicked in and after much deliberation, we decided on...*drumroll*... Denny's. Mainly because it had pictures of the food on the menus which helps Larissa make up her mind instead of being faced with "everything looks so good!" Which still kinda happens but once she finds something she wants we take the menu away from her so she can't change her mind. We also decided that going to Denny's was like going to America. I said it should be like an American Embassy...American territory on Canadian ground, complete with grease stains on the lightshades. However, it was in the bathroom that the strangest occurence of the night took place:

*Lorraine walks into washroom and immediately is met by a female worker of about 16 or 17 years old who starts talking to her*

"Oh my GOD, I hate my hair, it's totally not working. I just hate it, I wish I had hair like yours and not this kind of hair...this is going to be the longest night EVER..."

"Oh yeah...that sucks...I think your hair looks fine."

"Really? Oh my GOD, I have to work till 7 in the morning and I hate my manager."

"Wow...long night."

"I guess I better check the bathrooms..." *she goes to last stall and takes a two second glance in: "That one's fine..." *slams door* "This one's fine..." *slams door* "This one too..." *slams door*

"That was easy."

*Lorraine starts powdering her nose*

"Oh, do you have an acne problem too?"

"Uhhhhh......"

"I hate it so much, I have it like all over my chest and my back and stuff..."

"Ohhhh...."

"So where are you from?"

"Near Hamilton."

"Oh yeah, I'm from Port Colbourne."

"Cool."

*she momentarily leaves to take out the garbage...another women approaches the sink and has nowhere to set down her purse to wash her hands so I volunteer to hold it for her*

"Thanks. Are you from here?"

"About an hour away...where are you from?"

"Oh I'm from Michigan."

"Oh that's nice...are you enjoying your visit?"

"Yeah it's nice here."

"That girl who was in here is sooooooo weird..."

"You don't know her?"

"No, she just started babbling to me as soon as I walked in!"

"Oh, I thought y'all was friends."

*girl re-enters and cuts me off in the middle of my conversation with this other women and starts babbling again...I finish up, say goodbye to the nice Michigan lady and run out.*

I cannot begin to relay just how much and obliviously this girl babbled...I can't even remember half the stuff she said because after awhile I just tuned her out...I honestly wish I could have videotaped the encounter, I was wondering if I was on candid camera or not. Thank goodness I have a blog where I can write about such strange encounters. *hugs blog* Uhhh, sorry I'm going to need a minute alone with my blog...please come back later...

Always a bridesmaid, never a...hey wait...I wasn't even a bridesmaid!!

But that's ok...I was the allocated pianist. That word makes me nervous...let's say allocated performer instead.

For those of you who don't know, which probably isn't anybody reading this since I think I've told everybody, their mother and their cat, my brother got married this past May 19. (I must apologize for the tardiness of this post...it's been a work in progress ever since as you will discover it is very, very long...) He got married to the lovely Larissa, and honestly I couldn't be happier with anybody he picked to marry. She just makes me want to hug her every time I see her. Or head butt her shoulder Homer-Simpson fashion...I'm not quite sure why. "*Stampy starts butting another elephant* You see Bart, just like humans, some animals are just jerks. *Homer starts head butting animal guy* Mr. Simpson, stop it. Stop it, Mr. Simpson. Please, Mr. Simpson...stop."

They decided to do a different timeline for their wedding day which actually turned out to be quite ingenius. This was the order:

• wedding pictures
• family dinner
• ceremony
• cocktail reception
• some speeches
• getting funky (dance)
• cake
• more dancing
• more cake
• dancing WITH cake
• me taking a picture of someone's butt when they weren't suspecting it

Yes, this was the official iternary.

It was smart to do this because without a big dinner that nobody really needs, they were free to invite more guests and didn't have to think "but if we invite them that's another $60!!" etc...thus they were free to invite anybody they wanted so we could settle into one big fun happy party.

The day started out a bit rainy and a bit chilly, so naturally we were all concerned about the outdoor wedding pictures. But Larissa prayed and got her miracle; the sun poked it's head out and the pictures turned out beautifully.

Larissa turns her face to the sun and enjoys her miracle

The Wedding Party

Alex and Levi, neice and nephew of the bride made the cutest flower girl and ring bearer!

Brother, sister, and a new sister-in-law. GUESS WHICH ONE I AM!!

Next on the agenda was the dinner. It was the first meal I'd ever had with alcohol in it. As you can tell, the dinner was very exciting:

Levi tuckered out on his father's lap

With all the celebrations one could easily forget: they haven't been married yet! So off we went to the ceremony. I kept a close eye on Larissa to ensure she didn't have any cold feet episodes...after awhile she got very sick of me constantly trying to keep her feet warm and handcuffing her to myself with a child leash. Now if that isn't love for your brother, I don't know what is! You're welcome man.

My nerves were starting to kick in before the ceremony and all the typical mental flash pictures of me starting to sing and croaking or walking up to the piano and falling flat on my face started to carasel through my mind. My nerves were soon eased by another distraction; Larissa's nephew completely stole the show. Once the little guy made it on stage, he completely forgot where he was supposed to go and just stood there. Once his mother got up there she took his hand and stood with him, and it was at this point that he thought it to be humorous to start stomping on the stage. It made a resounding echo you see, which added an interesting backdrop to their vows to each other lol. No amount of mother and aunt standing on his feet could make him stop, nor could my mutterings of "I'm going to kill that kid, I'm going to kill that kid...BUT HE'S JUST TOO DARN CUTE!" Hey, if Larissa didn't mind (as I'm sure she didn't because she was laughing at it too and loves him very much) why should I?

I fell in love with the music they played for the processional. It was taken from The Chronicles Of Narnia soundtrack and is a really gorgeous song. The rest of the wedding flowed relatively smoothly aside from Levi's antics. I teared up during the vows and could only think about how perfect this match was. My performance went off ok...my voice cracked on the first note but I think I recovered ok lol. No horrible flaws...we're all our own worst critics so I won't say anything more.

Me tickling the ivories and singing...Darren and Larissa picked a cute but not mushy song by K's Choice called Favorite Adventure for me to perform during the signing of the registry.
I feel like my mom by wanting to yell "STOP SLOUCHING! SIT UP WOMAN!"

After the ceremony came the reception, which was held in a lovely room at the Hamilton Art Gallery. Before the fun began, we had to get all the boring stuff out of the way; speeches ensued, there was a wonderful disorganized scurrying to get the guestbook signed, and a small goat was sacrificed. You know, the usual Christian customs. Speeches were actually well done; short and to the point, as it should be. Larissa's cousin even did a FABULOUS take off of the priest in The Princess Bride: "Marewiage. Marewiage is wha bwings us...togethaw...toooday." Also, Alex and Levi sung the snuggle puppy song. For the video of that, click here. And you can't have a wedding without wedding games, so we had the shoe game; various questions get read off (for example, who is more likely to leave their towel on the bathroom floor?) and while facing back to back the couple answers by putting either their own or their partners shoe in the air. Most of them were the same, but one or two were disagreed on.

Performing with some help from mom
"Oooo ooooo...snuggle puppy of mine...the way I feel about you is especially fine..."

Darren is more likely to leave his towel on the bathroom floor.

After all that, it was time to get funky! And eat cake...but mostly get funky.

A hideous picture that I debated if I should even post of me getting funka ala Elaine Dance

My best buddy Diana was my date. (Not gay...) Also needed a better pic after the hideous one.

Brother throwing the garter to the anxious crowd of single guys...who, after this picture was taken, stood and stared at it on the ground. Evidentally, unlike the single girls, men don't want to be the next to get married.

Larissa's sister made this cake and with the help of West Jet flew it in from Edmonton. Don't ask me how. It had "I love you" written in all different languages on it and was soooo delicious. (That's saying a lot for me since I don't normally like chocolate cake)

This cat started to peek in during speeches (the room we were in was all glass windows). When I showed Larissa this picture later she exclaimed "LOOK DARREN, IT'S OUR WEDDING CAT!" Only Darren and Larissa could have an official wedding cat...

Possibly my favourite of all the wedding pictures...Larissa was (jokingly) outraged at what someone said and I JUST happened to catch her expression (complete with unchewed cake in her mouth) as it happened. Hey, there's enough pretty pictures of her on here to compensate, haha.

Mmmm...food...oh cute dancing couple too. Mmm...food...

Larissa's thoughts: "I'm soooo glad Darren shaved today..."

After the ceremony there was a franctic episode involving a certrain bride's missing purse with certain very important tickets and passports that were needed for a certain honeymoon being taken in about five hours. After cancelling all credit cards and driving to St. Catharines to get personal ID so they could hopefully still take their trip, the purse was found, hours before the flight, and all ended up well.

Hopefully in the not too distant future I will be posting about mini-Darren and mini-Larissas.

In conclusion to this insanely long post...it was a good day. We love Larissa and have fully welcomed her into our family. She keeps Darren in check so we don't have to. I wish them lots of happiness.

And they lived happily ever after...except for Larissa who was forced to watch episode after episode of Babylon 5.

(For more wedding pictures, check out Darren's flickr photos and Larrisa's blog I might post more later cause there were some good ones I didn't get to upload yet)

A Quick Update

It's been awhile. Let's get caught up:

• My parents have been away for three weeks on a meditteranean cruise. The only time I talked to them was when my dad called into work to talk to someone besides me and I answered the phone. I was excited at the prospect of having to do my own cooking, cleaning and laundry, but the novelty of independence wore off within the first week.
• I bought The Office (American version) Season 1 on DVD. My life is now complete.
• I'm still miserable at my job but some added attention from my supervisor and having some major problems get solved and transfering some of my workload to the people who are actually supposed to be doing it has helped a lot.
• I'm going to see the Arctic Monkeys again tomorrow night (sold out show, woot!) AND possibly stopping by the national tattoo exhibition.
• Yesterday at work I found a file called "Duck Face" in the accounts payable folder on the accounting drive. I found this...well...very humourous.
• Yesterday I thought up two lines that I find amusing: "You're not an idiot you retard" (directed at my lovely friend Kali) and "I don't have to insult your intelligence; you do a good enough job at that yourself." I'm s-m-r-t.
• I still like stuff
• My brother got married to the lovely Larissa. They are happy, we are all happy and no she is not pregnant. Pictures to come.

That's all for now...as you were.

The "Mc" Incident

"That girl who served us at the counter, did you see the hickeys on her neck??"

"Ewwww....'I'll have a McHo deal please'"

"She was pretty McUgly too."

"Do you get protection in the McHo combo?"

"Make sure you ask for extra McNapkins...."

"...and Mcwash your hands after...and your mouth..."

"Eeewww."


-Dinner with my brothers after church. Yup.

Black Outs, Lost Luggage and Dining Room Tables Set On Fire

Who says life isn't exciting?

So I've neglected my new little hobby for the past few days...I think I've gotten intimidated since I emailed the link to everybody...instead of it just being for me now I have to like, make sure it's entertaining! I CAN'T STAND THE PRESSURE!

Anywho...Wednesday and Thursday some interesting crap went down. Well not so much interesting as annoying. We had no hydro. None at all. And to illustrate how much we take power for granted, I was packing my bag by candle light and was trying to figure out which curling iron to bring. I knew one of them didn't work but I can never remember which one. Naturally I plugged the first in to check. It didn't turn on so I logically made the conclusion that that must be the one not working. Until I remembered that neither would work since the bloody power was out. Ok perhaps that's not so much taking hydro for granted as my dim wittedness...but still...I...err...what was I talking about? Shudup!

Oh yeah...so my mom had candles lit in the dining room for some reason and one of them fell over and set half the dining room table on fire before she noticed and screamed. My dad wrapped the tablecloth up and over it to smother it and ended up burning his hand a bit in the process. I stared at the pretty glowing light. I thought our table had never looked better. Naturally, not one of us thought to grab the fire extinguisher in the other room. No no...who would put those together? Fire>fire extinguisher>put out fire. Nah...my family prefers to work with their hands.

To explain the last point in my title, my dad had just returned from Puerto Rico that day and Air Canada had lost his luggage. So. Thursday night. Not so fun.