Maybe If I Could Bedazzle Them?

I discovered something very important about myself today.

After a classic battle of Lorraine vs. herself that has lasted many years and caused many sleepless nights, I finally conceded.

I, Lorraine, third (and favourite) child of Doug and Sandra, lover of all things that are Heinz ketchup, in sound mind and body, declare in a LOUD BOOMING VOICE, AS INDICATED BY THESE CAPITAL LETTERS, THAT................

*dramatic pause*

I totally don't like plain t-shirts.

I KNOW, I KNOW! How can she not like plain t-shirts? What is there not to like? I swear, I TRIED to like them! Oh how I did try. You don't know how many times I stood in a change room after worming my way into a cost effective, comfortable plain t-shirt and convinced my reflection:

a) that it actually looked really good on her

b) to accept that not every shirt requires a design or unique characteristic to look good

c) that the plainness of the t-shirt is, in effect, its very own fashion.

Regretfully, these successful self-convincing arguments triggered countless plain t-shirt casualties. Perfectly acceptable plain t-shirts were purchased and promptly demoted to pajama shirt status. Yes, these plain t-shirts were not even granted the dignity to be worn in public. That is, until they were packed up in the semi-annual closet purge and donated to charity, where hopefully someone who was a little more appreciative of plain t-shirts gave them a loving, accepting home. A home where their self-esteems could flourish, away from the constant degradation they had become accustomed to in my residence; where they could feel the sweet exhilaration of being chosen above all other shirts, and not just worn on laundry day; where they could maintain their fresh laundry scent until the next time they were worn instead of gradually absorbing the wooden odor of the chest of drawers during their six month hibernation period.

As soon as I built up the courage to admit to myself that I don't like them, I felt a wave of freedom wash over me. The shackles were broken. My eyes were opened. Somewhere in the distance, the hallelujah chorus started playing. I don't like plain t-shirts, and THAT'S OKAY. I don't have to be ashamed. It was like I was trying so hard to be someone I'm not - someone who likes plain t-shirts.

Now, let me be clear; I don't want to be labeled as an anti-plain-t-shirter. I am all for plain t-shirts. They are versatile, comfortable, and look great on many, many people - most annoyingly, those girls who could make even a burlap sac look fashionable. (I hate those girls.) However, I need some character to my t-shirts. Some pizzaz. You know why? Because I am FULL of pizzaz. Maybe even some flair, depending on the day. And if my clothes can't reflect who I am, then really...why even bother wearing them in the first place?

Spelling & Grammar Pet Peeves

I was talking with a friend today about spelling and grammar pet peeves. While I in no way claim to be the all knowing authoritative source for spelling and grammar, and do (on rare occasions, ahem) make errors myself, I cannot help but be bothered by some very common spelling and grammar mistakes. I've also discovered a definitive correlation between the type of error and my level of annoyance. If I were to chart it, it would go something like this:

C Level Errors

Annoyance Level: Mild

Annoyance Indications: furrowing of one or both eyebrows, narrowing of eyes

• then/than
• to/too
• its/it's
• effect/affect
• whose/who's
• double spaces between words

B Level Errors

Annoyance Level: Medium

Annoyance Indications: Unsuccessful suppression of eye twitches, low grunts of disapproval

• you're/your
• there/their/they're
• desert/dessert
• where/wear
• were/we're

A Level Errors

Annoyance Level: High

Annoyance Indications: Yeti-like noises and mannerisms

• using three commas instead of ellipses (,,,/...)
• apostrophes in the wrong place, such as turning "doesn't" into "does'nt". (Saw this error on a shirt in Bluenotes one day. True story.)
• spelling the word "definitely" incorrectly such as; definately, deffinatly, definatly, and ESPECIALLY defiantly, which makes it a different word all together

One of my co-workers perpetually writes "defiantly" instead of "definitely", and I've been trying for months to find a gentle way of saying AHHH STOP WRITING 'DEFIANTLY' WHEN YOU MEAN 'DEFINITELY' BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU DO A SMALL PIECE OF ME DIES! Just remember; every time you write "defiantly" instead of "definitely", the terrorists have won.

My friend did mention that one of the only times it pleases him to see things spelt incorrectly is in a tattoo, and he sent me a link to this picture, which really just made my day:

I'm actually not incredibly surprised that someone who would want "I'm Awesome" tattooed on their back would spell it incorrectly.

Google (The Wise & Powerful)

I was in the middle of doing laundry tonight when I noticed one of my white shirts - despite having been bleached repeatedly - was still not looking quite as white as I would like it to. Being the resourceful perfectionist that I am, I immediately consulted the all-knowing Google.

Oh wise and powerful Google, the 2000's version of www.askjeeves.com, the modern-day magic 8 ball of all knowledge replacing vague, obtuse answers such as "ask again later" or "outlook not so good" with millions of answers of every colour, shape and size conveniently categorized into "results". But you are not only a provider of knowledge, oh no...you also add joy to already joyous holidays by presenting a lovely custom Google graphic logo. I always know when it's Halloween because when I google something on October 31st, I see the letter G is lookin' mighty smug in its witches hat, and those two little o's are lookin' mighty uncomfortable stewing in that cauldron. Although, I must say, even on an average day, just seeing those primary colours (plus that sneaky non-primary-coloured green 'l') softly dance around the curves of the Google letters makes me feel happy. I think because those colours subconsciously remind me of crayons. And, really, who doesn't like the thought of crayons?

So laundry...right. I log on to google (the wise and powerful), type the first three words of "how to get your shirts their whitest" and see google (the wise and powerful) - like an over-zealous student that sits at the front of the class and yips "OOOHHH OHHH! PICK ME, I KNOW, I KNOW!" while nearly falling out of his chair from pushing his hand so far in the air in an effort to answer the question before the teacher has even finished asking it - present me with its top ten guesses for what I am hoping to learn how to get. Here is the list:

Let's take a moment to examine the top ten things that people have googled "how to get".

• "How to get rid of fruit flies" is second ONLY to "How to get pregnant". We hate them so much that as soon as we conquer that challenging and highly emotional conception problem, the most prominent issue in our minds is dealing with those damn fruit flies.
• 50% of the listed items are cosmetic.
• People desperately want to know how to get a guy to like them, but not as desperately as wanting to know how to get a girl to like them.
• 'Bed bugs', despite being used for ages as a seemingly cute bedtime rhyme for children ("Goodnight...sleep tight...don't let the bed bugs bite...") actually DO exist, and, coming in at number 8, are much more prevalent than we might have thought. (Although, not as prevalent as fruit flies.)

On a google (the wise and powerful) sub-topic, have you ever googled yourself? I just did. Just now. Just for funsies. Check it out:

1,210,000 results! Google (the wise and powerful) loves me THAT much. I knew the feeling was mutual.

Trouble In Technological Paradise

My cell phone and I haven't been on good terms lately. There's been some bickering, some emotional manipulation, and even threats of violence. And while we generally try not to go to bed angry with each other, it's kind-of been inevitable lately. Patience and forgiveness are wearing thin. Naturally, I fully blame my cell phone for all of our issues. If it would just BE NICE and RELIABLE we wouldn't have anything to argue about.

I originally got the phone around a year and a half ago. I was home for Christmas in Ontario, on a tight budget, and willing to sign a three year contract if it meant I didn't have to pay a cent for the phone. I got my wish, and came home with the LG Wave. Which I bought mainly because it starts out red at the top and transitions to black, and gosh darn it, it looked pretty. (See picture). It also didn't seem strewn with unnecessary bells and whistles, which I honestly hate about cell phones these days. If I could buy a cell phone without a camera installed in it, I would, but I don't think they even exist anymore. What happened to single function devices? Everything has to be multi-functional, and yet all the functions it incorporates are not nearly as high quality as individual functioning devices. For example, there's no way a tiny little camera built into a cell phone is going to have anything close to the quality of my 10.0 megapixel 20x optical/digital zoom camera. So until they make that possible, I will stick to my single function devices. Such as my ipod. Which has 80 gigs. Which an iphone would not have. My point continues.

As far as I can remember, my cell phone and I generally got along pretty well. I can't remember exactly when it started - as I suppose most people in troubled relationships can't - but gradually my cell phone began to act...well...different. These actions included, but were not limited to:

• Lying when it said it was making a phone call. It would TELL me it was "calling", except there was no ringing, and then after about 30 seconds of waiting, I would finally get the cold, hard truth: "Call failed".
• Not giving me my text messages until eight hours after they were sent. (It chose 4:30 a.m. to deliver them.)
• Not letting me send out texts (possibly out of jealousy, as there WERE some male recipients.) It would tell me it's "Connecting" for five minutes before informing me "Message is not sent. General problems." GENERAL PROBLEMS? If you're going to screw up my texting, at least think up a worthwhile excuse! You stupid, stupid phone!
• Mood swings: one minute having a full signal, and the next having no signal at all. (While remaining in exactly the same location.)
• Closing itself on me in the middle of sending texts because I made the mistake of holding it vertically and apparently it just took too much effort to stay open in that position.
• Only staying charged for one or two days max. (Burnt out from all the arguing, I assume.)
• General brattiness: the T9 word function always changes "it?" into "i8.", I SWEAR just to annoy me. Also, when I type "chiropractor" it first gives me "chipossabuns". THEN I have to hit "next" to get to "chiropractor." Which is completely logical. I'm always texting about chipossabuns. (Is that even a word?)

Lately it's new way to irritate me has been to send the wrong "reply to" number when I text, so when someone tries to reply to me, they end up talking to some random person in Alberta, or, as occurred on one occasion, B.C. Either that or I receive replies asking "who is this?" because the text appears to be coming from a number that is not mine, and, let's face it, receiving a text that says "I just narrowly missed walking into a firetruck" may sound pretty bizarre to someone who doesn't know me or my texting ways.

I finally had it up to HERE with my phone, and decided that our relationship needed to come to an end. So I marched into Telus (a.k.a. the divorce lawyer) to investigate my options. They said they would give me $150 towards a new phone or $200 towards a "smart" phone. (Because clearly, the old phones are stupid phones. Hahahaha. Haha. Ha...ah.) However, if I don't want to incur any extra costs, I have all of two phones to choose from. One of them is an LG model that is very similar to the one I have now, and the other one is so old it's on the verge of being discontinued. SPEAKING OF DISCONTINUED; I was also informed that my phone, as well as the entire "Chocolate" line from LG, was discontinued months after it was released because they were just, so, BAD. I wish they recalled cell phones like they do cars.

The injustice of this entire cell phone situation has stirred deep within me, conjuring up some sort of Cell Phone Avenger superhero-type character who wants to right the wrongs for all those who have been screwed over by a cell phone service provider, or suffered because of the lack of quality of their cell phones. Here is my logic, and I'm really going to emphasize this, so you might want to cover your ears:

IF THE CELL PHONE IS NOT OF HIGH ENOUGH QUALITY TO LAST THE TERM OF THE CONTRACT, IT SHOULD BE REPLACED FREE OF CHARGE!

Why should the consumer have to pay for the lack of quality?! We're already getting screwed by outrageous phone plans, especially now that you have to pay to receive texting! (Don't even get me started on that.) If I buy a phone on a three year contract, I expect that phone to last the duration of the contract. And that is just how it should be! And each one of us needs to step up and fight for how it should be. Let's ban together! Riot for cell phone quality! Protect the rights of the consumer! Better cell phone service for all! *flips cape*

Home Sweet Hotel Room

Today has been a gong show.  

Why is it that every year I fly home for the holidays (and by every year, I mean this year and last year) there has to be some ridiculous snow storm exactly when I am traveling? Is mother nature so cruel that she would send her frozen fury right at the time that everyone wants to travel for the holidays? Is she bitter that she doesn't have a family to visit for Christmas, and is taking it out on us? No Father Nature to cozy up to? No little mini-natures running around the...uhh...earth or sky?

Today started out with me being worried I was going to miss my flight at 4:40 p.m. Turns out I didn't have to worry at all. I could have even stayed home for a few more hours. My flight didn't leave until 9:30 p.m. This would be all well and fine if it was a direct flight to Hamilton.  Except this flight was only 36 minutes to Calgary, where I was supposed to catch a connecting flight to Hamilton. The connecting flight did wait, but not long enough. So here I am using a hotel voucher from Westjet at the Travelodge, which I arrived at with my voucher for a taxi from Westjet. Do I have a flight tomorrow? Nope. What did they say to do? Call between 10 a.m. and noon. WHAT!? I just tried calling Westjet and got a message along the lines of "Due to the immense amount of phone calls Westjet is experiencing, our phone system is not capable of holding your call. Please try again later." 

Honestly, I don't even mind the delay itself. There is no rush to get home as long as it's before Christmas. What upsets me is that my flight hasn't been rescheduled. And I'm sure any remaining flights to get anywhere in southern Ontario between now and Christmas are booked solid. And all I can think about is that I'm going to end up spending Christmas in neither of my homes, but in a Calgary hotel room. And that thought is so depressing that I may have to break into the mini bar. Actually I don't even see one in this room. Probably a good thing right now.

I have to say, so far, and despite what I have written, I'm proud of myself for taking all of this so well. Up until I found out my flight wasn't rescheduled, I was doing great. I was even laughing at the ridiculous things other pissed off travelers were saying. "You know it's all Westjet's fault right? They new from the beginning it was going to be delayed that long. They just kept delaying the flight by 30 minutes so we wouldn't get upset."  Now with this logic, either Westjet is incredibly stupid as obviously people would be more upset in the end, or the person who told me is immensely stupid for believing a conspiracy theory between Westjet and it's customers. I'm going with the latter.

What really gets me is the people who think they have a right to scream and complain to anyone wearing a westjet uniform.  When the customer service desk rep was asked when another rep was coming to help him with the insanely long line, he said soon, and some huge jackass behind me in line actually had the nerve to yell out "'Soon' according to Westjet means an hour and a half." This was after he discussed with someone how in "flight attendant school" they have a special course for time terminology (such as soon=an hour and a half). He also advised not to ask too many questions because they wouldn't be able to understand. I finally turned around and faced his immense beer belly and said "They're doing everything they can. There's no need to be a jerk!" He nodded and, I think, concentrated on not tearing me a new one. Anyone who thinks that Westjet intentionally delayed the flights and caused the chaos at the airport is off their rocker.  I wish that full grown adults had the maturity to realize hey, it sucks for everybody. Snowstorms screw up flights. It happens. Deal with your anger in a "grown up" way instead of complaining and screaming at people. 

Some funny things have occurred through all of this.  It was the first time I had seen a roll call done on a flight. We all raised our hands as we heard our name, just like in grade school. I wanted to yell out "PRESENT!!" but lost my nerve.  My favourite part was when they asked if Ryan Hays was on board;

Stewardess: Is there a Ryan Hays on board? Can you raise your hand please? Ok, I see two hands there. I only need one for Ryan Hays. Thank you.

I guess one was Ryan Hays, and one just really wanted to be Ryan Hays??

Other things that happened:

• Got "randomly selected" to be padded down by security. A VERY thorough pat down, mind you. I had to swallow back "So...are you going to buy me dinner now?" jokes.
• Asked for a tea when the beverage cart came by. Got it just as the pilot announced "we are now beginning our decent. Please place your trays in their upright positions and prepare for landing." Subsequently had to chug hot tea.
• Nearly yelled "DOWN IN FRONT!" at a child in the way of the Shrek Christmas movie they had playing at the gate.
• Voucher said "Travelodge, Mcloud". Taxi driver said there were two on McLoud. Naturally, only one took the vouchers, and we went to the other first.
• Fell asleep clutching my cell phone and laptop in a comfy chair in Second Cup.

Things that are happening now:

• I'm going to bed.
  

Here's hoping I make it home for the holidays. I'd give just about anything to hug my parents and hold my baby niece right now.

All The Good Ones Are Taken

It's just so frustrating.  Every time I find a new one that I think has potential, I find out just as soon - taken.  What's a girl to do?  You know what I'm talking about...email addresses.

The one I currently use I have had since I was in gradeschool.  As I type, there are 286 unread emails sitting in the inbox that consist of everything from forwards I'm too lazy to read to special offers from amazon to notices that it's time to pay my utility bills.  Aside from the sheer mass of emails I receive that I neither need nor want, my user name has underscores in between each word, and gosh darn it, I'm lazy. I want a user name/email address that I don't have to reach all the way up to the numerical row to type in. Plus, trying to tell it to someone goes something like this: "Ok. So my email is 'just, underscore, little, underscore, old, underscore, me.'" A slight pain in the ass.

So off I went to gmail to see what was available. (Too much spam in hotmail. I was baffled as to why I wrote viagra.com as there was clearly a Re: in the subject line. Those tricky tricky penis enlarging/sexual drive enhancing advertisers.) 

I finally figured out one I liked. One that was cute and encompasses everything I am in a simple few words.  rainyc. But...this user name is taken. *dun dun dun*

rainy.c is taken.  Lorrainey.c is taken.  I could do rainyc with a number on the end, but I have always vowed to stay away from that. It feels like selling out somehow. Sure, I could have my own unique email address, but the only thing differing it from the other rainyc's out there would be the number. I am not just another rainyc. I am an original rainyc. Some other unoriginal rainyc's just got to my username first.

I have a plethora of other names I have considered:

• twiddlingmythumbs@gmail.com (taken)
• eniarrol@gmail.com (Lorraine backwards) (taken)
• iwalkintowalls@gmail.com (taken) (also true story)

The only ones I could find that were available were:

• sushimakesmegag@gmail.com
• overflowfrommyhead@gmail.com
• stillneedsabib@gmail.com
• iwalkintocoffeetables@gmail.com

Even 'allthegoodnamesaretaken@gmail.com' is taken. It's ridiculous.

Now I know I'm making a big deal of this, I know I should just pick one and stick to it. But it's a big deal for me. So many things are linked through email nowadays. And you have to pick one that is simple, that is age friendly (I don't think my mom would love an email address like hellsyeah@gmail.com) and you're not embarrassed to give out. 

And so the search continues. I'm open to suggestions.  

Innovative Car Repairs

I don't know why it is people keep hitting my car when they are backing out of parking spaces. Is my car invisible? Because it looks silver to me. If I have been driving around with an invisible car, I would hope that someone would have told me by now. The idea that I have had an invisible car this entire time and not taken advantage of it is upsetting to me. I wish Impark personnel couldn't see my car the way these people that keep driving into me don't.

What makes me the most angry is knowing a simple glance in the rear view mirror or side view mirror would quickly indicate to them that yes, there IS indeed a car behind them and maybe, just maybe, they should attempt to avoid hitting it. Who ARE these people that slam on the gas pedal and think "Look out, I'm coming back, if you get hit, it's your fault!" Perhaps they are the same people that ride their bikes into parked cars. By the same logic, would you walk backwards without looking? No...so why would you operate a huge device made of steel worth thousands of dollars with you in it without watching where you are going? WHY!?

The inspiration for this rant came from a recent incident in the Best Buy parking lot. Here I was, driving very slowly, making my way over to an empty parking stall. I see a car backing out to my left. I see the car isn't stopping. I'm too far along to brake and avoid a collision, and cannot accelerate fast enough to get out of the way. So I slam on my horn and hold it down. The car still comes. I look around me trying to think of what other possible signal I can give to indicate "HEY YOU ARE ABOUT TO DRIVE RIGHT INTO ME YOU MORON". After a good three seconds of horn blasting, the car backs into me anyway, crunching my driver's side door. The wonderfully ironic part of the story is that the weather conditions were atrocious as it was the second day of our April blizzard. So one would think that car accidents would be more likely to happen. But this accident had nothing to do with the weather! She didn't slide...she didn't even try to brake. It had to do with stupidity instead.

She gets out of her car all distraught and apologizing. I say it's ok, these things happen, once I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down. After all, it could be a lot worse. After going inside her van to get a pen, and me hearing her teenage son in the passenger side say "I TOLD you to stop!" and her replying with a polite screaming "SHUTUP!!!" she advises me she wants to pay for it herself instead of going through insurance. I'm fine with this. But upon consultation of my witness, he says I might be able to just take an ordinary hardware store plunger and pull the dent right out. Apparently this is a secret weapon to many a body shop repair man. The paint isn't scratched at all, and I figure if I can do this, I can save both of us some trouble.


There is no way you can plunger your car without having someone take pictures of it. (Thanks goes out to Nikki. Ma homegirl slice. Word.)





First, I had to try to sterilize the plunger a bit. My car is dirty enough without feces on it. This is me soaping it up and doing my best to avoid touching it. Gross.

This is me doing my very best to get the best suction against the car door as possible.



This is me losing my plunging mojo. As you probably would have guessed, it didn't work.

So...anyone know a good auto body shop in Edmonton?

Spring In Edmonton

This is a cell phone picture I took from my bus on the way to work on this lovely late-April morning. That is, after I walked to the bus stop, slipped and fell on my hands and knees, froze at the bus stop for 45 minutes waiting for a bus that was, coincidentally, 45 minutes late, and froze at my transfer bus stop for another 20 minutes. Oh, I also had the priveledge of listening to someone's crappy music while snuggled tight against strangers in the bus shelter. What is with those crappy ear phones that come with ipods that make it so that not only the listener but everyone around them has to deal with their poor taste in music? That is, unless my ipod is on. Because we all know how wonderful my taste in music is. *Lorraine hopes anyone who knows that she has a song from the movie Cinderella in her itunes is not reading this.*

Let's all try and ignore the fact that it was 24 degrees out a week and a half ago. Which just happened to be on my birthday. Being as it snowed the next day, logically, the only way to make sense of what happened is to deduct that it was a birthday miracle. And Edmonton weather is spawned by the devil.

Recap

SO. Last post on this blog = August 2007 eh. Interesting. I wonder if I had any loyal readers who didn't know me and wondered what happened to me. What interesting explanations would they have come up with? Ran away to join the circus? Went to clown college? Went to clown college THEN ran away to join the circus? (Logically, that would make more sense, no?)

Alas, I am alive and well. However, in the last seven months, I have....*deep breath...*

Packed up my little neon, moved across the country to Edmonton Alberta which was a lovely little adventure in and of itself involving beautiful scenery across Ontario, flat scenery across the prairies, exquisite accommodations such as The Beaver Motel, visited long lost friends along the way, kept track of gas prices across the country and how they sky rocketed the further north in Ontario you go, had a truck driver request me to take a picture of him, saw huge statues of a goose and a sasquatch, and had my GPS tell me to turn into fields once I got into Edmonton.

Since I have been in Edmonton I have....*deep breath*

Spent a month puttering around and annoying the family I rent the basement from 'til I ran out of money and had to get a job which I still hold downtown in the oil industry and quite enjoy, met my awesome best friend Nikki (also my new music guru) and her awesome sister who are my partners in crime both at work and on weekends and essentially let me live at their apartment every weekend, started dating a boy, debated nominating our relationship for the "most miscommunication and worst timing of a relationship of the year" award (which we SO would have won), tried skiing for the first time in years and only fell when trying to get on the ski lift and then at the end of our very last run when I almost collided with the rental shop, tried snowboarding for the first time in Fernie BC and fell a whole lot more, experienced the coldest temperature I have in my life, had my car towed because I never felt like paying for parking, (I HATE YOU IMPARK!), got over my fear of public transit, started writing songs and poetry and playing guitar again, gotten hooked on "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" and "Extras", mocked the Calgary Tower for being a miniature CN Tower, become an Oiler's fan, got a free ticket to an Avril Lavigne concert BUT also saw Alexisonfire, went to Yuk Yuk's by myself to see Greg Proops whose autograph is now on my wall AND......found $20 on the bar floor!!!! Meeting someone famous or finding that $20...I really can't decide which is better.

I know you are all now jealous that you don't live in Edmonton too. Unless you do. In which case...you are probably sans said jealousy.

Right now I am going to...*deep breath*

...go to bed.

BUT watch for more updates! The blog wheels are a turnin' in my head! The next post will either be about healing alarm clocks or cheap pregnancy tests! I haven't quite decided yet. But BOY if that isn't incentive to check back, I don't know what is!

Negative Parking Meters

The other day a friend and I headed out to get some food at The Snooty Fox. (I almost wrote Snotty Fox...I'd imagine the restaurant would have significantly less appeal if that were it's name...) We parked, put money in the meter and headed inside. After a yummy breakfast complete with potato catapulting contests (actually it was just me launching them at him,) we came back outside to find our parking meter expired. The weird thing is it wasn't just expired, it was actually showing a negative amount of time by six minutes. In light of this occurrence, I must ask the following series of questions:

• Since when do parking meters actually start counting the time that's passed since the meter expired?? Am I really that behind on my parking meter technology?
• How does it get reset? Does it monitor the weight of the car on the parking spot so it knows when one leaves or pulls in, like a drive through?
• Is this REALLY how we are using our advances in technology?? Parking meters?? Who the hell is out there devoting their life to developing more technologically advanced parking meters? "I used my university degree to develop a better hearing aid for the hearing impaired." "I used MY university degree to develop a more efficient device for diabetics to keep track of their blood sugar." "...I used MY university degree to make parking meters count backwards."

Kudos municipal government. If you're going to start charging for expired time, I'm going to request a refund for the remaining time on the meter the next time I leave before it's expired.

Loud Music, Bigger Sizes and Seductive Beds

Can somebody please explain the logic of playing really loud music in a retail clothing store to me? The way I see it, it only provides disadvantages. If the type of music is something the shopper doesn't like, it will be made twice as uncomfortable by being loud. It makes it hard to talk. The sales staff go mental after awhile because they play the same tracks all day. Is that a safe work environment? What if a sales clerk is right on the brink of taking a potato gun to everybody in the store and it's the loud thumping rapper beat chanting "BABY YOU SO FINE OH BABY, DAMN GIRL" that pushes her over the edge? Well, I hope you brought your ketchup...cause potato spuds are gonna fly.

While shopping today I had to endure endless loud bad music in certain stores. And quite honestly, it nearly drove me out. I swear, if that store hadn't been overflowing with $10 pants to keep me preoccupied, I wouldn't have been able to stand in there for five minutes.

My other issue: the abundance of 1's and 3's found on every rack and the lack of...ummm...'higher' sizes. You'd think that when stores sell out of the bigger sizes, clothing manufacteurers would clue in and adjust their quantity of bigger sizes accordingly. Perhaps they are trying to give us incentive to diet? Oh wait I said size 1 and 3 didn't I...incentive to be anorexic?

Last but not least...I'm tired. Which is awesome because it's earlier than 3am! Which means I might not sleep in till 2pm! Which means I might be able to do something productive tomorrow! Which means...uhh...ok I can't derive any further meaning from that. I CAN tell you that I am currently daydreaming about my bed. It's right behind me, calling to me. "Lorraine...sleep with me...SLEEP WITH ME!" Now this is one situation where instead of providing a slap in the face, I will be happy to obligue.

Cinderella Pinatas

Pinatas: The only time you're rewarded for beating the crap out of something. Except maybe that stupid Ultimate Fighter show...shudup.

The other day I was killing time at Walmart during my oil change. While I fought off McDonald's cravings, I wandered down various aisles till I found these: Cinderella pinatas.

Is it just me, or does the idea of clubbing a beautiful poised princess for the objective of smashing her to pieces to get candy out strange to anybody else? What happened to the ugly donkeys?? Animal rights activists step in? I mean, did they ever think that little girls would be a little hesitant to beat the crap out of someone (that I assume) they idolize? Although I suppose they are blindfolded when they are carrying out the beating...than how heartbroken would they be to take off the blindfold and discover they had beaten Cinderella to death?? Oh, the humanity!

The only way I can make sense of this is to use the Cinderella pinata as an outlet for pent up rage for not being able to have the fairy tale life that she has...and for stealing Prince Charming. Lord knows how few good guys are left out there, and she has to seduce the best of them. However, that should be geared to a girl more of my age than a six year old. Hmmm...I think I just thought of a new marketing strategy for Disney pinatas! AND a new therapy exercise...not that I have any other therapy exercises...cause I'm not crazy. I swear. *cough*

Superman is my kryptonite

The title really doesn't have much to do with this post, but I like the cut of it's jib.

Just saw the superman flick, and I have these insightful comments to make:

When the ham sandwich did previews and coming attractions start to take up so much time?? 15 minutes my friends...15 freaking minutes!! That's like an eighth of the movie! Someone actually yelled out "finally!!" when the "feature presentation" graphic finally reared it's head, met by much agreement around the theatre. Does anybody remember the days when they never played commercials before a movie? I do...back in my day...when I had to walk 5 miles to school...in the snow...uphill....BOTH ways...

When they were on the alien rock thingy, what did they plug their computers into? HMM??

"Bowman is dead...he got hit by a piano..." I think Sandra and I were the only ones laughing hysterically at this line. Hit by a piano...hit by a piano!! Who gets hit by a piano if you're not a looney toons character?? I was looking around the theatre to try and see if others found it amusing, but no...apparently the thought of death by piano wasn't humorous to them. Thus I'm pretty sure I was "that girl who laughs when nobody else does in the movie."

Sandra and I had lots of witty banter. For example, when Perry is directing how each department of the newspaper has to cover superman: "Business: how he will affect the stock market. Sports: how are they going to get that plane out of the stadium. Human interest: where has he been and is he seeing anybody. Lifestyle..." Me: "...is superman gay? He DOES where those revealing spandex tights..."

Sandra: "I just don't get how they couldn't know it's him...he's just wearing glasses....it's just glasses people!!!"

Sandra: "He's such a show off flying all around like that." Me: "Yeah, I'd do it too if I could...except I'd fly funny banners from my ankles...."

Also, that poor guy Lois is engaged to...same actor from The Notebook! That poor boy is destined to fall in love with girls that love other men...and he's such a hot nice boy too!! What's the deal?? If that were real life he'd have turned all bitter and women-hater by now. And possibly gay.

Overall, the movie was ok, but the ending dragged out too long...perhaps I'm just mad cause we originally went to go see Pirates Of The Carribean 2. Sold out...a likely story.

It's 2:34 am and I'm off to bed to dream about being a superhero whose cape keeps getting stuck in the phone booth.

If you're a guy, don't read this

Have you seen that playtex commercial?? The one that starts off with a female construction worker jackhammering (nice and politically correct...because women are very empowered nowadays) and the laughing and the theme song "It's an ordinary, ordinary day..." Yeah, that commercial, if you're a girl you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're a guy don't read the next sentence. (Well you shouldn't be reading this anyway if you heeded the warning in the subject line...this sentence doesn't count as the "next" sentence referred to in the previous sentence.) Ok so said commerical bothers me a lot...sure, it's an ordinary day all right...except I'm BLEEDING THROUGH MY UTERUS...what the hell is ordinary about that?? Natural, blah blah, whatever...try telling a bloated women who can't walk from her cramps with hormones raging through her body causing her to change not from Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde but from Jesus to Satan that it's just an ordinary day. I THINK NOT!

Also, I don't know about you, but I always feel like doing yoga and going skinny dipping when I'm on my period...I also never stop smile and giggling and being euphorically happy...JUST LIKE THE GIRLS ON THE COMMERCIALS! Coincidence? I think not. Especially since I'm being sarcastic.

The thing that really bothers me is the same thing with women's anti-perspirant commercials...they try to sell you that you should use their product because you're a strong independent woman. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a women." Apparently that wasn't politically correct enough though so now it's just "strong enough for a woman." Who needs to be compared to those beastly men creatures...we are women, hear us roar.

Independent strong women don't need it sold to them that they are independent strong women. Nor does being an independant strong woman have anything to do with tampons or anti-perspirant. A better ad campaign: "When it's NOT an ordinary day, use our product."

I leave you with one of my favourite jokes that I seldom get to make:
"Where did my pencil go? And why is there a tampon behind my ear??"

Jonathan Inside Edge Guy vs. Apostrophes

A question was proposed to me today...which do I love more, Jonathan Inside Edge guy or apostrophes. Anybody who knows me will know how difficult a question this is to answer. I mean, Jonathan did recently sign my website, and although it was short, he didn't have to do that. However, apostrophes are part of the thread that weaves our language together. It contracts words, thus contributing to my lazyness. It defines the difference between "your" and "you're." It takes the letters "I" and "m" and makes them into a word. And look at it...it's so cute and innocent looking, just casually hanging there.

The same friend who proposed this question to me also notoriously leaves out apostrophes in our online conversations. He knows he does it. He also knows it drives me nuts. "Your just going to have to accept that its an issue with you not me." (2 apostrophes intentionally left out).

Also, my brand spankin' new cell phone has a strange quirk with apostrophes when I'm text messaging. For some reason whenever I put an apostrophe in, it capitalizes the next letter. So if I'm writing "you're" it would come out "you'Re". I wonder...what were the people at telus thinking?? It's not even like it's a period where you would capitalize the next letter at the start of a sentence. It's also very annoying for a grammatical stickler such as myself to have to key it in, backspace so it takes the capitalization off and key it in again. Telus, please, take heed and wisen up.

So which would I pick? I'd want Jonathan and the apostrophes together. With some whipped cream.

The Assholes Of The Season

1. Drivers. Not surprisingly first on my list. Two people changed lanes almost into the front of my car on the way home from work today. Idiots. Monkeys I tell you!

2. An ex relative of mine. Really. I can't believe some people exist. I think he is pure evil. The scum that grows on scum. The devil not so much in disguise. Mr. Burns without any humour or secret good side that once in awhile surprisingly surfaces. Dog crap after it's been eaten by another dog and crapped out again. Yes. My only satisfaction is knowing that as in all good/evil stories, the bad guy gets what's coming to him in the end. And by golly, he is long overdue for his comeuppance.

3. Bitchy people in stores. Not the workers. The other shoppers. I heard one lady ahead of me in line at Staples today being very rude to the clerk. I felt like saying to her "it's the holidays...don't be a bitch. *zig zag snap*

4. Me. Well. Just today really. Now that my last stressful day of work is over I'm good to go.

Merry Christmas Everybody.

Dear Fashion Industry...

I have a valuable piece of information that could help you sell millions more clothes. Here it is...no, come closer...90% OF PEOPLE ARE NOT A SIZE 0!!!

Do you know there are stores that average sized people cannot shop in because they won't be able to fit into the biggest size there?? I do not consider myself to be obese in any way shape or form, however I was apalled at how many clothing stores at the mall yesterday sport size 0's. Not just a few either...a lot of them. A medium or large was nowhere to be seen. Everything is small or extra small. I picked out a halter top yesterday that looked like a neck warmer. My friends comment? "Yeah Lorraine...I could wear that...maybe one on each thigh." She has a valid point.

Stop trying to squeeze us into your itty bitty clothes. We don't fit. We shouldn't have to fit into sizes that are too small for us. Expand your sizes from 0-6 to something a little more realistic.

Size 0...what is that anyway!?! That shouldn't even exist! 0=nothing...I am a size nothing. I have no size. I am a shapeless blob of nothing, therefore I do not need a proper size. What's next, negative sizes?

In conclusion, we do not need to be skimpy or shove ourselves into tight clothes to look sexy and/or attractive. Wisen up fashion industry!!

Sincerely,
A Pissed Off Lorraine

Road Rage; This Commute Is Going To Kill Me

Everytime my dad goes away on business (which is quite often) I am left to drive in to work by myself. (For those of you who don't know, we work at the same company). He's in Puerto Rico right now, so instead of sleeping on the way in and only having to contend with traffic driving home, I have to drug myself up on caffeine and try to stay awake for the commute both ways.

On the way in to work today I passed asshole after asshole after asshole, excuse my english. Honestly. If you have seen my website you will be familiar with what I refer to as a left lane clinger and a left lane ignoramous. They dominated the highway today to the point where I wished my car was a bumper car and I could just slam them off the road...in a loving Christian way of course. OR I thought of a huge giant mechanical arm attached to my car picking up the cars in front of me and placing them conveniently to the side. I should look into that.

Anyway, these are the cars that go in the passing lane at 110 km. Sure, it's speeding, but compared to highway traffic this speed is incredibly slow!!! You can drive JUST AS SLOW in the right lane which is PASSING you! But nooooo people INSIST on not being courteous drivers, subsequently holding up traffic and causing mini traffic jams. One guy I had to pass in the right lane had the nerve to flash his highbeams at me. Hey, I'm not the one being an asshole here! I innocently motioned that he should move into the right lane. Ok it wasn't quite innocently and was filled with some vulgar language on my part...and perhaps on his, I couldn't quite read his lips.

Why do people do this?? Honestly...all the way to work...one after the other...I'm not exagerating...is there some sense of shame in moving over to let people pass? Some stubborn arrogance that keeps them in the passing lane? Are we not taught in driving school to stay in the right lane unless we're passing? You may be thinking I am hypocritical in this thinking...I beg to differ. If I am going 140 and someone obviously wants to pass me, and there are no cars in front of me which would therefore make me impeding traffic, I move over and let the car pass. Should he be driving that fast? Probably not. But who am I to enforce what I think the appropriate speed should be by not letting him pass? I say let the idiots pass...let them get in accidents with other cars and not with you. I don't know why more people do not have this mentality.

I was honestly getting visions of bribing driving schools and the police to start teaching/enforcing letting people pass. If cops could ticket people that do this...well...that would make me that hap-diddly-apiest commuter in the world. Haha, I read that over as happiest computer...dear gawd...it's early.

My original point was supposed to be the effect this has on me. ie, I have chest pains right now. It's too stressful. Self induced? Maybe. Some days are fine. I suppose it depends the amount of assholes on the road or not. I won't even bother telling yesterday's story of the asshole who was flashing his highbeams at me and motioning WITH BOTH HANDS (steering wheel?) to move over. This guy was insane. I was three meters away from the next car in front of me, if I moved over he would have nowhere to go anyway. He tailed me like there was no tomorrow till finally steering around the traffic to the right and ending up two cars in front of me before getting stuck again. Way to go asshole...you get a grand gold asshole star. Ok I lied apparently I am telling the story of yesterday.

Ok time to get stressed more and start work. To all you bad drivers out there; I hate you.

How You Can Haunt Me After I Quit

Here are some things that, upon leaving my company, I never want to hear again:

• timecard
• spreadsheet
• extension
• purchase order
• invoice number/date
• ”May I speak to the person in charge of…”
• WIP Report
• Can you page Paul?
• Can you tell him that _____ called? (That’s why we have VOICEMAIL jerk! I’m a receptionist, not a secretary!)
• Accounting Code
• syacc
• reception/accounting/management drive
• commute
• "tucka tucka tucka tucka tucka" Purchasing guy always comes into reception saying that...

Here are some things that I never want to see again:

• fedex waybills
• a telephone switchboard
• a NG on a fax transmission page
• a metered mail machine
• a commercial invoice

I could go on, but I’ll post for now and just keeping adding on and on until it consumes my entire blog……

"This is my fake phone voice. How may I direct your call?"

I work right now as a receptionist. As such, certain perks and quirks come with the job. For example, when my daily FedEx courier showed up 45 minutes after we closed, I wrote a strongly worded email and received a free gift basket with lots of chocolate. When Staples messed up my order, they sent me a luggage set. When telemarketers call, I get to mess with their heads. “No I’m sorry…she killed herself…it was because she couldn’t find a good office supplies company…if only you had called sooner…”

I also notice quirky things that many other people wouldn’t notice unless you were in my job. Most of these things drive me nuts. For example, when solicitors walk past not one, but TWO “No Soliciting” signs to my desk and ask to speak to the person in charge of…blah blah blah. As soon as you hear “the person in charge of” you know they have no right to be there. One I’ve been noticing lately is how oddly people speak when they phone somebody.

"Good afternoon, Labcoat Technologies?"

• “May I please speak to the employee Bob Freeman?”
  I'm just curious really…did you REALLY need to specify “the employee”? Who did you think I was going to transfer you to? The elephant Bob Freeman?? The non-employee Bob Freeman??
  
• "Yes, hi, how are you *no pause*, yes, may I please speak to…*shuffling of papers* ummm let’s see here….uhhh…..”
  Good idea to know who you are calling BEFORE you pick up the phone.
  
• "Hi yes, I was wondering if I may have the extension of Mr. Kerry Anderson, I believe his extension is…235?”
  Ok…first of all…I can’t GIVE you the extension, that would require you physically being here. Second of all, I work in a small company and know every extension off by heart…you really don’t have to give me a name AND the extension…but thanks for trying to help me out with my job.
  
• "Hi, how are you today??”
  9 times out of 10, it is a telemarketer. Revert to “I don’t speak english” mode.

HOLY CRAP MY STAPLER JUST MOVED BY ITSELF…I SWEAR IT DID…maybe I should finish my work.

In conclusion, if you are calling a business, A) always know the name of the person you are calling BEFORE you call them and B) say please and thank you. I usually wait a half second before transferring to see if there is a thank you after I say “Yes, one moment please”. C) If you can’t pronounce a hard to pronounce last name, don’t try to sound it out and butcher it…D) Ok I lied, there isn’t a D.

If you are a telemarketer reading this, die in hell.

That is all.