How Nipple Tassels Invaded My Friday Night

*Warning: The following post is rated PG14. Possibly more. Be ye warned and not offended.*

There's nothing like going to see what you think is a band and walking in on a burlesque show. Doing so will result in the following comments between Laura and I:

• "Oh gawd...my eyes...MY EYES!! THEY BURN!"
• "I wonder how many STD's these girls have."
• "If she comes over here, I'll bottle her." "Good. We should never go anywhere without a beer bottle ever again, just in case."
• "Is she supposed to be drinking gasoline?!?" "THROW A MATCH DOWN HER THROAT!"
• "Apparently 90 lbs girls are sexy now."
• "Is the band going to start soon? I can't take any more half naked girls." (Laura to the bouncer)
• "Who drinks a smirnoff ice in a MARTINI GLASS?!?"
• "I am so grateful we sat behind a pillar."

I can't say it wasn't educational at all...I now know of the existance of nipple tassels. I can honestly say that this piece of knowledge in no way enriches my life. They were attached to a girl who had a chest like a twelve year old boy. I have no idea how they stayed on. Crazy glue? Ouch!

The strangest performance would have to go to the girl who held up a succession of signs: "Vote for me." "Buy my (*censored: means the same word as "stuff"*)" and "Die for me." With each sign she felt the need to lick the sides. I wondered how she didn't get a paper cut on her tongue. She finished the act by licking a bottle of gasoline and pretending to drink it. Then some old guy dressed up like a cowboy pimp started dancing around her with a sparkler. I swear, this really happened. It was like a car accident...you can't help but look.

My favourite part of the performance was when the big Cadillac symbol hanging behind the band fell down. Cadillac Bill picked it up and pointed to some ducks painted on it. All he said was "This thing has travelled across Canada about four times. Do you see the ducks?? You like the ducks??" ...I guess you had to be there.

When the band was done, I wanted to say hi to him because we had previously been chatting on myspace, which is where I found out about his band. I think the conversation went like this:

"Hey." -Me
"Hi..." -Bill
"Do you recognize me?" -Me
(At the same time) "Do I know you?" - Bill
"Uhhh...sort of...from myspace..."
"Oh. Which one?" (I took this to mean which girl, as there seem to be many he talks to on there, but in hindsight I think he may have meant which myspace since he has two)
"Um, I'm Lorraine...we talked about your baby raccoon." (long story)
"Oh."
"Yeah. Good show tonight though. You didn't suck."
"Thanks. You'll have to email me cause I won't remember this at all."
"Alright, see you later."

A lovely encounter, no? Ha.

We left shortly after that and ended up watching Charlie Chaplin on tv till 3am. Yes, it was a strange night indeed.