Google (The Wise & Powerful)

I was in the middle of doing laundry tonight when I noticed one of my white shirts - despite having been bleached repeatedly - was still not looking quite as white as I would like it to. Being the resourceful perfectionist that I am, I immediately consulted the all-knowing Google.

Oh wise and powerful Google, the 2000's version of www.askjeeves.com, the modern-day magic 8 ball of all knowledge replacing vague, obtuse answers such as "ask again later" or "outlook not so good" with millions of answers of every colour, shape and size conveniently categorized into "results". But you are not only a provider of knowledge, oh no...you also add joy to already joyous holidays by presenting a lovely custom Google graphic logo. I always know when it's Halloween because when I google something on October 31st, I see the letter G is lookin' mighty smug in its witches hat, and those two little o's are lookin' mighty uncomfortable stewing in that cauldron. Although, I must say, even on an average day, just seeing those primary colours (plus that sneaky non-primary-coloured green 'l') softly dance around the curves of the Google letters makes me feel happy. I think because those colours subconsciously remind me of crayons. And, really, who doesn't like the thought of crayons?

So laundry...right. I log on to google (the wise and powerful), type the first three words of "how to get your shirts their whitest" and see google (the wise and powerful) - like an over-zealous student that sits at the front of the class and yips "OOOHHH OHHH! PICK ME, I KNOW, I KNOW!" while nearly falling out of his chair from pushing his hand so far in the air in an effort to answer the question before the teacher has even finished asking it - present me with its top ten guesses for what I am hoping to learn how to get. Here is the list:

Let's take a moment to examine the top ten things that people have googled "how to get".

• "How to get rid of fruit flies" is second ONLY to "How to get pregnant". We hate them so much that as soon as we conquer that challenging and highly emotional conception problem, the most prominent issue in our minds is dealing with those damn fruit flies.
• 50% of the listed items are cosmetic.
• People desperately want to know how to get a guy to like them, but not as desperately as wanting to know how to get a girl to like them.
• 'Bed bugs', despite being used for ages as a seemingly cute bedtime rhyme for children ("Goodnight...sleep tight...don't let the bed bugs bite...") actually DO exist, and, coming in at number 8, are much more prevalent than we might have thought. (Although, not as prevalent as fruit flies.)

On a google (the wise and powerful) sub-topic, have you ever googled yourself? I just did. Just now. Just for funsies. Check it out:

1,210,000 results! Google (the wise and powerful) loves me THAT much. I knew the feeling was mutual.