Pack Rat: 1) A person who collects, saves, or hoards useless small items. 2) Lorraine

I should be in bed, but I had to write something about this.

I just spent the last four hours going through my old bedroom. Last summer I moved into my new bedroom next door which is a heck of a lot bigger and therefore a heck of a lot awesomer. (Yes, I said awesomer.) As such, there were many items in my old bedroom that didn't get transferred over, and hadn't been sorted through in years.

Some examples of things I found:

-certificate of acheivement in piano. From when I was FIVE YEARS OLD. That means it's been in there for *counting on fingers* 17 years.
-Treasure trolls. If you felt the urge to go "oh YEAH I remember those things" when reading that, it will give you an indication of how ridiculously old they are.
-The price tag from my grade 8 graduation dress. Yeah, I don't know either.
-A grade 2 illustration of different types of spiders. Apparently there is one called The Lazy Cowboy or something of that sort. I think our teacher made it up as a joke to play on us, cause really, it just sounds like an unsatisfying sexual position to me. What?
-Newsletters from ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. Why...why??
-An ultrasound. Of me. Dated November 1984. In a bag with tonnes of congrats on the new baby cards. Apparently my mom is just as much of a pack rat as I am. Although I suppose those things are more sentimental. Why she kept them in my closet all these years? I have NO idea. She likes to put things in "safe spots" and then forget where they are.
-A hospital bracelet from when I was admitted for my back years ago. (I couldn't even lie down without screaming in pain). I also found in that bag with the baby cards my mom's hospital bracelet from when she had me. It was a nice "Aw, mother and daughter both save hospital bracelets" moment.

...and there are many MANY more strange things like this that I found and have no idea why I kept.

The good thing is I've been able to detach myself a lot more from things like that so I don't feel bad throwing most of them out. After all, what am I going to do with my grade 6 school year agenda? Remember how I had a spelling test on a Thursday? Oh the memories...

Happy 100 Posts To Me

It's been awhile since I've written on here my friends. My co-workers. Random people I don't know that apparently read this. Assuming anybody reads it anymore? This I do not know. I do know that I just noticed I spelled "co-workers" as "cow-workers"; not a very flattering term to my workmates. However, you wouldn't have known about this error since I already corrected it. (You went back to check didn't you...didn't you!) You see, that's the power of being the blog author. I know more about what is being written than you. I am omniscient. (Except I couldn't remember how to spell 'omniscient'. The online spell checker is omniscient in that regard). I also possess supreme editing power. Editing power that I exercise to it's fullest extent. What am I talking about you say? I'm not sure, I'm a bit out of sorts...you see, it's been a while since I've written on here.

HOWEVER.

Looking at my little summary page before I go into my blog, it tells me this blog has 99 posts. Which, if my math skills are correct - and I hope they are since I worked for so long in accounting, but I wouldn't be surprised if that's why the company is now going bankrupt - then that makes THIS my 100th post! Yaaaaay!

100 posts is really like any other post, I gotta say. Perhaps with some more wine or champagne or jello shooters, whatever you prefer. We have it all on this blog. And as much as I would love to celebrate...it's nothing REALLY momentous. What makes 100 so different from 99? I'll tell you the difference: 1. (Math skills again). However, that is THE very same difference as 99 to 98. So why not celebrate 99 as much as we celebrate 100? What is it about triple digits that deserves celebration? "I don't know Lorraine, you are the one having this whole celebration thing" you say? Ah. Well. Touche. (with the accent that I don't know how to do.)

I DID actually have a topic for this post before I noticed that it would be my hundredth post. It was a conversation that occurred today over our delicious all day breakfast at The Sunset Grill in Toronto in reference to a scene from The Simpsons movie.

Me (singing) "Spider pig, spider pig...does whatever a spider pig can...can he swing...from a vine...no he can't, he's a pig."

Laura: "From a vine?? He swings from a web! Why would he swing from a vine?!"

Me: "...I think I was thinking of Tarzan. SHUT UP I'M HUNGOVER!"

Maybe you had to be there...and if you were Laura or Vic or Sandra or Ken or myself, you would have been. But you're not. So. Too bad for you. Way to not be us. Loser.

Spider pig...spider pig...

Negative Parking Meters

The other day a friend and I headed out to get some food at The Snooty Fox. (I almost wrote Snotty Fox...I'd imagine the restaurant would have significantly less appeal if that were it's name...) We parked, put money in the meter and headed inside. After a yummy breakfast complete with potato catapulting contests (actually it was just me launching them at him,) we came back outside to find our parking meter expired. The weird thing is it wasn't just expired, it was actually showing a negative amount of time by six minutes. In light of this occurrence, I must ask the following series of questions:

• Since when do parking meters actually start counting the time that's passed since the meter expired?? Am I really that behind on my parking meter technology?
• How does it get reset? Does it monitor the weight of the car on the parking spot so it knows when one leaves or pulls in, like a drive through?
• Is this REALLY how we are using our advances in technology?? Parking meters?? Who the hell is out there devoting their life to developing more technologically advanced parking meters? "I used my university degree to develop a better hearing aid for the hearing impaired." "I used MY university degree to develop a more efficient device for diabetics to keep track of their blood sugar." "...I used MY university degree to make parking meters count backwards."

Kudos municipal government. If you're going to start charging for expired time, I'm going to request a refund for the remaining time on the meter the next time I leave before it's expired.

Office Smack Talk

I recently got Laura, one of my best friends, a job at my work. Which means the days are a little less boring. And by a little, I mean a lot. We like to spice things up by emailing each other quotes from The Office throughout the day and making hap hazard paper airplanes to throw at each other when no one's looking.

So, in our comfy little accounting department, we have these two stamps, one to fill info out to enter an invoice and one to fill out info for paying an invoice. Today after some of Laura's usual smack talk, I menacingly held up the stamps to her and said:

"I will TOTALLY enter you and pay you."

"Lorraine...think about what you just said."

*pause*

"...OH MY GAWD!!!!!"

Toronto, Kyle Wellwood, Sushi, Shoplifting, and Darrin Pfieffer. Good Weekend.

This past Thursday night, at approximately 9:38 pm, an insatiable urge to have a night out in Toronto hit me, and hit hard. So I called up my Toronto friend who lives right downtown and asked what he was doing the next night. I soon figured out he was at the pub due to how long it took him to put words together. But he assured me he wasn't drunk and we finally concluded that I would visit and we'd go out and do something. Friday night I called again to confirm and he said "I wasn't sure if I'd dreamt that conversation or not." Never make plans with a drunk person. Although the view from his condo is enough reason to forgive him:


Before I drove to Toronto, I stopped by to see Laura who was home sick in bed. She was supposed to have a roller derby bout the next day (also her birthday) but her doctor thought she had mono, so she couldn't play. Well, she could, but not without the risk of rupturing her spleen. Spleens are unpleasant enough when they are intact. Also, Kyle Wellwood, her all time favourite Maple Leafs player (who she is also in love with) was supposed to be signing autographs at the new Future Shop in Erin Mills the same day. While she was lying down, I snuck into her closet and stole her Wellwood jersey, and two pictures she had of him. Thankfully she didn't notice. The next day I got them signed and took a video clip of him wishing her a happy birthday/hoping she feels better. I burned it on a cd for her, along with some pictures I took of him. Here is the video of Wellwood: (please note his enthusiasm)

http://www.motionbox.com/video/player/359cd9b1181dbe



Now here is the video of Laura opening my present, which I enjoy much more than the previous video. I missed the part where she first figured out what I had done but got most of the surprise in:

http://www.motionbox.com/video/player/359fd7bd1a1ebe


Other notable parts of my weekend:

• Tried sushi for the first time and gagged. Although I do like sakki
• I accidentally stole a camera lens cleaner pen from Future Shop. But I felt so bad that I had mindlessly walked out of the store with it that I went back in and paid for it, after a good five minute internal moral debate
• Two words: Home Movies.
• Apparently Darrin Pfeiffer from Goldfinger thinks I'm hot. GREATEST COMPLIMENT EVER. Although I think he might need glasses...
• Dawn is working at 102.1 the Edge and I am JEALOUS. But it was awesome seeing her again. But I am JEALOUS.

The Awesomeness That Is LA and Coachella

I think I'll move to California. I meant to bring it home with me in my suitcase, but it just wouldn't fit, no matter how much I sat on the top and yanked on the zipper. Plus, try sneaking that through customs.

Highlights Of My Trip:
-Meeting cool friendly people from all over the world who I thoroughly plan on staying in touch with
-Rage Against the mother f'n Machine
-Seeing multiple awesome bands every day (Do I use the word awesome too much??)
-Going in the pit at Rage. Until I got elbowed in the chest and had the wind knocked out of me. I like being able to breathe.
-Making fun of some dragon movie they showed on my flight to LA
-Not getting mugged/murdered/raped when trying to find my hotel in LA
-Driving down the interstate on a beautiful warm sunny day in a mustang convertible with palm trees lining the side of the freeway
-Driving into a parked car four hours before my flight home while going on three hours of sleep in two days and after I had driven it all over LA, Hollywood, on the Interstate and to Coachella which is a few hours out of the city. I felt like the universe was laughing at me, but I couldn't help laughing too. After a few choice words, that is. Thank God I bought the insurance
-Regina Spector: my new female musical icon
-Staying up all night partying with people from all over the world
-Having some guy steal my malibu rum as compensation for not being able to get into my pants. He was wearing a striped shirt that made him look like Waldo. I found it funny that I was playing a real life Where's Waldo when looking for him the next day to kick him in the shin
-The girl camp official person who was sent to "disperse" us saying "it's funny that they don't know I'm on shrooms" and then joining us
-When telling people I'm from Canada hearing them say "there are SO many Canadians here!" We took over the place, along with the Aussies and British
-Finding "I love my pony" with an obscene drawing written in dirt on the back window of my car when we went to leave Coachella
-Blatantly passing our alcohol over the fence into the campgrounds and not getting caught
-Having my tequila confiscated on the way in to the festival
-Having the son of the hotel owner offer to fly me down to LA whenever I want....? Also finding out he collects tractors. It's different, I'll give him that.
-Picking up an English accent from Johny and his friend James (although apparently it was a southern one and they have a northern one...?)
-Napping on the grass in the cool tent while listening to good music fill the air
-Singing Sublime songs in a circle of strangers with a guitar until the early hours of the morning
-Seeing police in riot gear
-Apparently a chopper told people to disperse or they'll be arrested when they formed a drum circle
-Dancing with some blonde guy from London. Having him make fun of me for asking London Ontario or London England
-Squirt bottles in the "will call" line with Aussies. Also playing Uno with them while waiting
-Chillin' at the pad of our new friends from LA which looked like it was from a movie. It was so LA. I can say that 'cause I've been there now.
-Getting lost amidst some really really nice houses while looking for the f'n Hollywood sign
-Johny getting soaked by some waves when climbing the rocks at Venice Beach
-Always being able to find my tent by looking for the big tent with the pirate flag next to our site

There was more but those are the moments off the top of my head. Right now it's competing with my trip to England/Scotland for being the best trip of my life. Possibly the best experience of my life. Johny was right when he said festival people are the coolest people you will ever meet. And who knew camping would be half the fun of the festival?

I have tones of awesome pictures and video clips but you'll have to look at them on Facebook since I'm too lazy to upload them here. www.facebook.com and look for Lorraine Conley. I should be the only one. I got some great shots, so take a look.

Already planning Coachella reunion 2008.

Coachella, Here I Come

I leave in 8 hours.

I'm scared but excited. Last night I was terrified...there was so much that still needed to be done and arranged. Most of it has been sorted out, but I still can't shake the thought that this is crazy. I've never planned a trip of this magnitude on such short notice, and I also tend to excessively worry about things that could go wrong. But when I look at the coachella website and see pictures of all the campers and look at the message board and see how excited everyone else is and how fun (rather than scary) everything looks, my worries really significantly melt away. And I'm going to meet so many people...including famous people. Thank you Johny and backstage passes. I hope I manage to squeak out something that resembles English and not consisting of "uhhhamm...Hiiiii, yeeeaahhh....I think you're, erm.....uh.....GREAT........totally. Sooo.....I me you famous n'....wha ummm....shnu???"

Maybe I'll just stay down in California, away from offices and paperwork and the shittyness that I've been feeling lately. It's doing things like this that really make me feel like I am living life and not just idly watching it pass me by.

Final thoughts:

-Is three sets of rechargeable batteries for my camera enough?
-Can they see alcohol bottles through x rays in checked baggage?
-I really like my new hair. Unrelated, but still relevant.
-I hope I don't get mugged/beat up/hurt/murdered
-This is going to be awesome

I'M GOING TO CALIFORNIA (gonna live the life...sippin' on tequila night after night...)

Sorry about the gay boy band lyric title. But I've had that song stuck in my head ever since I found out that...well...there's an excellent chance I am going to California. In just under two weeks! You see, there is this little music festival there...I'm not sure if you've heard of it...it's called...COACHELLA!!!!!

I couldn't possibly think of a better birthday present. *cough*This FRIDAY APRIL THE 13th*cough* Rage Against the Machine will be reunited...and I will be there to bask in said reunion. Not to mention the Chili Peppers! They're going to be Red Hot.

To add more randomness to this spontaneous trip, I'm flying down by myself and meeting my friend from England and his friend there. (In a little place called Palm Springs.) Johny English, as I lovingly refer to him, got me a ticket AND since he is related to the guitarist in the Arctic Monkeys, we also have backstage passes!! BACKSTAGE PASSES!!! I've never had backstage passes to anything in my life, besides like, talent shows I've been in. And even then we didn't have backstage passes...or talent for that matter.

Everybody seems to know somebody who is going to this festival. When I told my cousin Rob, he informs me that his friend gets to INTERVIEW Rage Against The Machine and have a photoshoot with them for The Toronto Sun. I told him to hook me up with her. I mean, not sexually. Although I would if it got me in to meet Rage.

So nothing is set for sure yet...I still have to confirm time off work and make sure flights are ok. But I just keep thinking to myself...I am young once, and there is no good reason why I SHOULDN'T go to this. Life is too short to make excuses not to do something amazing. And I'm pretty much at the point where I would say "Uh...you can either give me the time off work or I'm taking the time off work...either way I am going." I'm sorry, I just cannot turn this down.

The only hard thing will be not eating between now and when I leave so that people won't shriek in shock and disgust when they see me in a bikini. Although I've lost a good chunk of weight in the last month or two, I'm still not bikini ready. I am, however, beach and palm trees and good music ready. Goodbye unexpected April snowstorms!

Spring Cleaning

You know it's time to clean your room when...

• your mom starts taping signs that say "danger - enter at your own risk" on your door
• the pile of clothes on the ground is so high it's become an extension of your bed
• you have run out of clothes from your closet and just pick something out from the floor to get dressed. You also start losing track of what is clean and what needs to go in the hamper all of four feet away.
• you notice the Christmas gift on your bookshelf that you have still forgotten to give to your friend
• your mom always has to close your door so she doesn't see the mess and have a nervous breakdown
• you have to beat away objects and make a path to your door like an explorer with a machete traveling through the jungle
• there are too many towels on the ground and in the dark you can't distinguish them from your terrycloth house coat
• you realize that there have been three empty water bottles sitting on your shelf for the past six months and you have no idea why you kept them
• you forget the colour of your carpet
• you use the shelves of your closet to hang your clothes on because you are too lazy to hang them on the rack
  
• you've gained more than three bruises by tripping over things in the dark
• it takes any amount of force to open your bedroom door
• you start finding receipts from 2005
• clothes and various objects have overflowed into the hallway
  
• when you go to sleep, you worry about not waking up...because a stack of something could fall on you
• you wonder how many years of your life you will uncover the closer you get to the floor of your room
• you lose one little thing and you know the only way you are going to find it is by cleaning your entire room and finding it in the last place you get to

Quote-tastic

A compilation of some recent quotes from silly friends:

__________
On msn:

Me: So yeah, we broke up.
Darcy: *pause* Have you ever thought about what it would be like to not have lips?
__________

At the hilarious university play my friend directed:

*actress says her line and everybody laughs, including my friend who I am sitting next to.*

Me: What did she say?
Paul: I dunno, but it was funny anyway.
__________

Progressive Conversations:

Me: I hate people that shovel the snow onto the street.
Dave: I hate people that SHOVEL.
Me: I hate people.

Dave S: If you can't see, I'll angle my chair.
Me: I'll angle YOUR FACE.
Laura: I'll MANGLE your face.
Shawn: I like mangos.
__________

Me: *sees Paul blow onto his hands* Are your hands cold?
Paul: Nope.
Me: I just saw you blow on them.
Paul: I'm just MAINTAINING their heat.
*Lorraine and Dave exchange smiles*
__________

Me: My body is all messed up, it thinks it's time to be awake now at 3am.
Laura: My body is saying "Go to bed you idiot."
__________

Me: I think we lost the maturity when I said the term "opposite sex" and Dave said "hehe, SEX."
Laura: Then I said "hehe, OPPOSITE."
__________

Laura: Wait, so you CAN'T see her right now? That's CRAZY how mirrors work!
__________

For more retarded quotes, click here. It's my old old website pre-html when I was in like, grade 10 . Haven't changed it in years, but I love the quotes on it.

Until next time...keep fit and have fun. *cue body break music*

Mature and Responsible Lorraine

Sunday afternoon I did something very mature and responsible. Stop laughing...it is possible for me to be both mature AND responsible. Ok maybe not simultaneously. I mean, let's not get carried away here. I'm still mastering the walking and chewing gum thing too. But I have seem to have mastered the driving with your knee while putting on your mascara thing. Hmm, I must be a selective multi-tasker.

Although my task in and of itself was mature and responsible, (filing my income tax), naturally one of them had to give. In this case it was the responsible thing. I don't know how, but I somehow dinked around on the internet looking up various items on ebay from when I woke up around 1 (my one day this week that I could sleep past 7) until 3:30, completely forgetting I needed time to get ready for my 4:00 appointment. I raced downstairs, poured some cereal, ate it on the way up the stairs and jumped in the shower. (I was tempted to bring the cereal IN the shower but foresaw some problems. Such as soggy cereal.) Yes, I should have skipped the shower, but I just couldn't bring myself to. Besides, in my mind I can be lightning fast when I want to be.

I wasn't lightning fast (darn you hard-to-beat lightning) and soon found myself standing in my room half dressed and with wet hair at 3:55 pm. I couldn't go with wet hair...I'd get sick. OR half dressed...they'd get sick. So on went the clothes and the hair dryer.

Then I had my wave of brilliance...I could HALF the time it takes to dry my hair by using TWO hair dryers at once. On went my spare hair dryer.

For a few minutes everything was great. Then both dryers went dead along with any other electricity fed appliance in my room.

"Oh, nice timing! THIS SUCKS! *Lorraine growl*"
"What sucks?" -Mom
"The power is out."
"No it's not..."-Mom
"Yes it is.......?"

Sure enough it was just the power in my room and the room next to me that I had shorted out the power on. The universe punishing me for irresponsibility I guess. Stupid universe.

When I arrived at 4:15 I apologized profusely for being late. I told them how punctuality is not my forte and that they subsequently shouldn't be surprised I had last year's taxes AND the year before to calculate. One day...one day I will learn. One day when they invent clocks and watches that smack you in the head when it's time for you to do something.

You can't lose something you never had...such as my mind

It's been seven years.

I started working there the summer before high school and worked every subsequent summer.

Six months out of high school I was hired full time and stayed for a year and a half.

Now I'm back working there for a few months.

During my first summer there, I was too terrified and shy to eat with the "adults" and would eat my lunch huddled away in a corner of my dad's office. But I quickly made friends with them and started eating in the kitchen.

The cupboard containing the glasses and mugs is right next to the cupboard containing the plates and bowls.

It's been seven years.

And when I need one of these items...

...I STILL go to the opposite cupboard to retrieve it.

Every time.

Antonio Wants Some Pringles

I admit it, in the past I have met people off of the internet. But before I ever met anyone in person, I would talk to people who lived far away and just chat over the internet or phone if I felt comfortable.

Antonio is one of these people.

When I first "met" him about five years ago, he was living in New Jersey and part of a band that was on the edge of making it big. I still have their CD. They traveled around the country in a school bus that he owns, but scratched off certain letters to make it say "Cool Bus" instead. He's a bit older than me, but a big kid at heart. And he knows WAY too many people. And he cracks me up.

Today I got to catch up with him for the first time in two years, and it's always like no time has gone by since we chatted. He still lives in New Jersey, but quit the band to pursue his own stuff. Now he works for the company that distributes Pringles doing audio editing, and is soon to be the star of a television commercial. He sent them this video which they recently decided to air as an official commercial during American Idol.

(The embed version isn't working for some reason, so you'll have to click on this link to view his ridiculous pringles commercial. It's worthwhile, trust me.)

http://www.jinglesforpringles.com/jingle/8/

Whether we will see it in Canada or not, I do not know. But watching it here is more than enough for me! Oh Antonio, you silly monkey you. What will you be doing in another two years??

It's Tradition

I've taken vocal lessons since grade 7.

I originally started them to better ensure my chances at getting the part of Dorothy in our school production of The Wizard of Oz. Oddly enough, the girl who was first cast sang too loud and completely off key. This led me to question my music teacher's ear for music, and made me wonder if I was wasting my money on training that she wouldn't notice anyway.

But I ended up really enjoying the lessons and decided to continue with them after the play. (Where I starred as one of three Dorothys. Don't ask.)

It's now been *counts on fingers* well, lots of years since.

For the past four years or so, I have had my own car and been able to drive myself to said lessons.

Each year, my teacher will make a note in my book or tell me that I have no lesson the following week due to March Break. And every year that she was told me this, I will forget, drive all the way down there, and remember while standing on her front porch.

Yesterday marked the fourth anniversary of this tradition.

Friday Night Frivolity

Cambridge is only good for three things, as far as I can tell: A) My best friend Diana lives there B) Dooley's C) It is home to one of the few remaining roller rinks that seem to be quickly disappearing. (RIP Roller Gardens...we miss you.)

The plan tonight was to participate in all great three things Cambridge has to offer. Unfortunately we were only able to participate in two. Dooley's, I know your feelings are hurt, but we WILL visit next time. Yes...there will be a next time.

We met Diana at a pub (we = Laura and her new boy, Dave and Paul and myself of course) where it didn't take me long to tell Diana's fellow midwife how Laura used to mix up 'labia' and 'tibia'. Someone would kick her in the shin and she'd go "OWWWW, MY LABIA...." Laura corrected me and said it was actually the other way around...someone would kick her in the crotch and she'd say "OWWWW MY TIBIA...." I think it's equally funny either way.

Actually, Laura had a few good quotes from tonight. Must have been trying to impress her new guy:

"C'MON GUYS, we're only going to have TWO HOURS left to skate!"
"I like green tea. It has antibodies." -Laura
"...you mean antioxidants?" -Me
"...........yes. Those." -Laura

Roller skating is a scary business for me...there are always those annoying people that try to squeeze in through some tiny space between you and the person next to you and give you a heart attack. There are also these crazy old people there that are remarkable skaters. One almost killed me when I was moving to the side to see Dave and Paul. While singing The Spice Girls. Yeah, it was retro night...which pretty much translates into guilty pleasure music. Rock on.

My favourite part of the night was when we were driving home. Dave and I somehow decided to start answering every question with true or false. Then it expanded to countries. Personally, I just want to answer "penguins" to every question someone poses to me. Examples:

"How are you feeling today?" "False."
"What are you having for dinner tonight?" "Algeria."
"Where did you get your sweater?" "Penguins."

Just a heads up: these answers will be used. And whether you think they are funny or not, I will be laughing at them.

Personal Office Statistics

I'm 95% sure that the cup I am drinking my tea out of was mistakenly placed back in the cupboard as clean when it was, in fact, dirty.

I'm also 84% sure that I will ignore this fact, push any thoughts of germs out of my mind, and will drink the rest of it anyway rather than forward the phones, trudge back upstairs, go to the opposite side of the building where the kitchen is and pour myself a new cup.

I'm 68% sure that these statistics will gross at least one of you out.

I'm 52.73% sure that I don't really care if this grosses you out.

I'm 100% sure that I will blog about this.

Next Time I'm Going To Wear Goggles

Saturday night I headed over to Diana's for Dave's birthday dinner before we went to see Sandra's play and then drinks at Hess. I had just taken my coat off when Diana's mom - a very sweet woman who often greets me with a hug - came up to me with her hand out. Not knowing what to do I turned my head to avoid a collision, providing the perfect angle for her thumbnail to gauge my right eyeball.

"OWWWWW...."

"I'm so sorry, I was trying to grab you for a hug!"

"Oh it's ok, it's not like I use that eye anyway."

"What a nice first greeting eh? Oh no, I was working with food too..."

"Yeah, did make sure to rub some garlic under your fingernails first?"

"Yes, some red pepper too."

"Well, it's good to see you anyway. With my ONE EYE."

Expanding The Family Empire

It's March 2, and I can finally tell the world a secret that I have been holding in for WAY too long.

Now don't get your panties in a twist, the baby the cartoon stork is holding is NOT mine. I'm still keeping THAT baby a secret. Ok kidding. Seriously, kidding.

However, I am about five months away from becoming an aunt for the first time! Ok so most of you will already know that. But did you know that I will be an aunt to...*drumroll*...a baby girl! OR, as my brother says, a very unfortunate boy. Her name will be Abigail (not sure how they are going to spell it) or Abby for short, and she will, I have no doubt, be completely spectacular.

I should clarify that Abby doesn't belong to Darren and Larissa who I often blog about, but my other brother and his wife who, due to the nature of their jobs, cannot be named. No they don't work for the CIA you silly monkey. That's completely absurd. What a typical "I can't name my job" guess of employment. Can't you be a little more creative in your blog posts?? I mean, employment guessing?

I can't convey how excited I am to be an aunt, I have been bugging them about it the entire 9 years they have been married. On the day I found out (way back in November) I was by myself at a gas station in Waterloo, just about to fill my tire up with air when my cell phone rang. "Lorraine, you are the fourth person to know that our test was positive." And then I couldn't stop crying because I was so happy and excited. I think it was my first experience with tears of joy. But I couldn't help thinking how everyone at the gas station would see me crying and think "that girl is completely overreacting to a flat tire."

So, world, prepare yourself for Abby. I will probably spoil her and be incredibly overprotective of her, but hey, what are aunts for? I leave you with my favourite baby quote:

"I thought we weren't going to emotionally scar him until he was older?" -Dr. Cox
"I MAY have painted his toes for funnsies..." - Jordan

-Scrubs

Sharing With Family

Sometimes my brother Darren and his wife Larissa will stay at our house when they are visiting in town. If I'm not home, they'll stay in my room. Such was the case the weekend I got home from Victoria. They picked me up from the airport and we all went home where my dad was throwing a birthday party for my mom and had invited lots of friends and family. (I stopped to pick up flowers for her, but they had no birthday cards to go with the flowers, so I got her a "with deepest sympathy" card instead.) After mingling for awhile, Darren, Larissa and I eventually ended up watching DVDs in my room, as is usually the case when avoiding excess people downstairs. As I started to unpack, Larissa said to me

"Oh by the way, I borrowed your deodorant while you were
gone."

"Oh. That's ok. You know, a lot of people have issues with
that but it doesn't bother me. I'm pretty sure you don't have rampant body odor or anything."

"Yeah, I didn't think you would care. If I thought you
would, I just wouldn't have told you."

Gotta love family honesty.

Random Excerpts From My Diary During My Trip To Victoria

• Holy crap, this pen is very glidey-like. Weeeeee...
• I'm going to try to write really neat. Actually that was me trying right there. And it's just as messy as my fast normal writing! Ridiculous.
• I watched The Office and Scrubs and The Simpsons on the plane. Satellite TV: God's gift to planes. And us.
• A moment from The Office: How to take off a bra according to Michael Scott: Twist until something breaks
• I keep meaning to write this and I kept forgetting: Ahem. 'Remarkably, there was an incredible lack of snakes on my plane.' I'm glad I finally got that out.
• Steve dragged himself out of bed for me so we could go swimming, even though he was tired and forgot his bathing suit. We had to invest in a disposable one. Who ever heard of disposable bathing suits!? He was very reluctant to get into the blue plasticy contraption, but he did. It wasn't long before the outer layer of the ass split, revealing some nice hidden white plastic. Thankfully we were the only people at the pool.
• Yup...I fly all the way here and now a predicted massive earthquake is going to ruin my vacation. If I was going to die out here, I thought it would at least be in a firey plane crash, or in the trunk of a car with my limbs bound in duct tape. Not by earthquake! I think it would be the understatement of the year to say that would really really REALLY suck.
• No earthquake yet. Except the tremors that vibrate through the ground when I walk because of the weight gain due to eating bacon and eggs every day.
• He put me on the radio. I was very excited. Then I got tired. The end.
• Favourite things we yelled out/commented during WWE Smackdown:
• Give him the chair!
• Have you tried talking this out?
• I like your pants
• Go back to Maine!
• I admire your passion!
• They should throw some alligators in the ring. Hungry ones. That have been poked with a stick all day.
• It almost looked like he made contact there.
• I wonder if Hallmark has a line of WWE cards? "I'm sorry I knocked you unconscious with the chair."
• Allen wanted me to bring a sign that said "kill the ref"
• "Honey, if you keep listening to this song, I'm going to start having an erection...around men." -Steve while I was listening to a Lifehouse song
• Watched the sunrise from my first flight in a semi-conscious state. Just before it broke over the horizon it illuminated a golden lining on top of the clouds. It was gorgeous. Then I closed the horrible bright morning light out and tried to sleep.
• I can't believe they made me check my make up bag. What, 'cause I might stab someone with my eyeliner?!?
• Is it weird that I like turbulence? It shakes things up...HA...*cough*
• "Can I ask you something?" "As long as it requires no thought whatsoever." "It's very serious...would you...eat...a blue canteloupe?" "Does it taste like normal cantaloupe or blue canteloupe?" "Blue. And you're starving." "Yes...yes I would."
• The remainder of this entry will be random thoughts. (Moreso.)
• "Andrea and Alan fed me." "Oh yeah? What did you have?" "A huge waffle...AND..." "...chicken?" "What? How did you know?? 'Waffle' is not usually paired with 'chicken'." "It's my mind reading abilities. And I talked to them earlier."
• I kinda want to spit out the window from way up here. (Altitude 37, 338 feet)
• We just flew over Lake Superior. Watery.
• "How long does 18 km take?" "Well, if you go 100 km/h, 18 minutes. No wait, that's not right. Let me get my calculator. 100/18=5.5 Ok. It's not five minutes." *a few minutes pass* "So what was the highlight of your trip?" "60!!" "What?" "60/18. Equals 3.3 Ok. I really have no idea."
• Solution for having to pee? Drink more water. IDIOT.
• Geez, what is this, Star Wars? Are we dodging enemy fire?? (turbulence on plane)
• This concludes Lorraine's trip to Victoria. This time. To be continued...(?) (The question mark leaves it wide open for a sequel!)
• "Goodbye Save on Foods Arena...goodbye Frank's Hardware...goodbye street I don't know the name of that we never drove or walked down..." -Me "This is going to be a long drive to the airport, isn't it?" -Steve
  

Family Dinner Conversation

Me: "So the doctor called me on my cell at like eight o'clock one morning, which I thought was weird because I don't remember giving them my cell phone number. Anyways, turns out my pap test came back and I have some abnormal cell growth."

Dad: "How did they get your cell?"

Me: "...uh...they took a swab...?"

*laughter around the table*

Me: "What?"

Dad: "Your CELL PHONE."

Me: "OH I thought you asked how they got the CELLS...I was like...'uh...manually?'"

Darren (talking as if he were me): " 'You wouldn't believe where I keep my cell phone' "

Chris (also talking as if he were me): " 'Yeah, my number is REALLY unlisted.' "

Our Top Story: 'Easy' Buttons Not So Easy

For Christmas, along with many other goofy presents, Sue bought me one of those "easy" buttons from Staples Business Depot. I found it yesterday and decided to take it out of the little gift box and find a place for it.

Ironically, those easy buttons are remarkably hard to remove from their box. When I finally managed to pull the damn thing out, I pulled it with such force that it shot out of my hand and landed on the floor, where it promptly told me "THAT was easy."

Mocked by an easy button...a new low.

Pack Rat Hall of Fame: Summer Hats

Apparently my family has skeletons in the closet. Except they come in the form of an incredible amount of summer hats. A few days ago I was cleaning out my old shoes from the front hall closet. Those who know me well know that once I start cleaning, I can't stop; so on I went to discover hoods belonging to jackets we have already gotten rid of, hot gloves with fur around them, and a box of water bottles including a Flinstones one from Canada's Wonderland. Soon I was onto the mystery boxes on the top shelf. What did I find in the box my mother labeled in permanent marker "Female Summer Hats: HOT! HOT! HOT!"? Not just female hats...but a multitude of male and female summer hats, some so old that if there were a museum for summer hats they would be surrounded by glass and signs that say "please do not use flash photography". How many hats did I discover total? 52. Do we wear any of these? No...no we don't. Why do we have so many hats? I HAVE NO IDEA.

Top Ten Hats
In order from best to worst (worst to best?)

10) A bright fuscia hat with "Lorraine" written on in fabric paint. Unfortunately I don't have a picture of this since I threw it out the second I saw it.

9) Purple and pink plastic visors WITH foam glued on for extra comfort












8) Ancient (and I do mean ancient) Walt Disney World hat, modeled by our very own hallway statue, Caesar. (He is also wearing Darren's old tie from when he worked at Carmen's when he was 12)















7) Speaking of Darren's professions, here we have two lovely hats from Darren's former places of employment; Kentucky Fried Chicken (from when he was a teenager) and Utility Reading A. Billing Ltd. (from a few years ago).

















6) Not one...but TWO Doug Conley hats. I'm guessing this was from the political campaigning days.

















5) Softball hats from every single year I played softball (consecutive years since I was about 8)














4) Esso "No Trouble" Hats. Three of them. Clearly we are very supportive of our gas stations.










3) My mom's old Revlon make up hat. *shudder*

















2) My old pink shiny hat that Darren and Larissa were nice enough to model for me. When I was little (like, 7. Ok 10. 15. Move on) this hat had everything I ever wanted: ie it was pink and shiny. Before giving this away, I made sure to black out in permanent marker my name and phone number which was written on the inside. I don't want any phone calls from shoppers at Value Village asking me "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?"
















1) Last but CERTAINLY not least: Rainbow coloured tie dye Caribbean Chicken. 'Nuff said.

At long last, us Conleys have finally come out of the closet. We have nothing to be ashamed of anymore. Some poor fashion-blind person at Value Village will inherit that shame instead. To them, all I can say is: I'm sorry.

The Geekiness is Hereditary

Spending time with my brother Darren and his lovely wife Larissa at their apartment is always a fun experience. Between him nuzzling her and me gagging at his unabashed display of affection, we also find time to play some form of card/board game and watch a movie. In between THESE moments is usually when Darren sneaks off to the computer to play one of his nerd games. This time it was Zelda. Getting him away from his games is comparable to pulling a dog on a leash away from that one spot he just HAS to sniff and thoroughly investigate in the grass. Yes, it's darn near impossible, except Darren is a lot better at negotiating extra time. This - along with the usual banter of every day married life (making food, doing dishes, laundry) - makes for some interesting and often geeky conversation around their household. During my stay there this past Friday and Saturday, I diligently compiled the following quotes:

"Darren come eat." -Larissa

"Just let me get a fairy!" - Darren

"If you were anybody BUT my brother, I would CALL you a fairy right now." -Me
________________________

"Darren why are you so complicated!? Just give me your pants!" -Larissa arguing with Darren about whether his jeans should be washed or not. Much funnier out of context.
________________________

"There's just this one part I have to do right here! There's a big gigantic fire do hickey!" -Darren
________________________

"Everyone thinks she's this delicate flower, but really she's the kind of flower that BITES you!" -Darren
________________________

"My first cloister! Oh wait, I said that last time, didn't I?" -Larissa playing Carcassone
________________________

"Darren, pause your game." -Larissa

"Ok, I just have to...ARGHHH!" -Darren getting beaten in his game
________________________

Yes, we are a family of geeks, but we are not ashamed to admit it. Our movie choice for this visit was Ham and Cheese at my insistence, and games of choice were Five Crowns and Carcassone, WHICH, in our defense, the actress who plays Pam from The Office is addicted to as well! If a famous celebrity loves it too, you can't be all THAT uncool playing it. That's my reasoning and I'm sticking with it. I heartily look forward to my next visit.

Tubing With You

I've never done the posting of video clips on my blog before. Mainly 'cause I was too lazy to figure out how. UNTIL TONIGHT. Turns out I knew how to all along. I always suspected I was right. Anywho, here's some of my favourite youtube clips! And there are many more where these came from. (I know you're excited...so am I!)

Whose Line Is It Anyway - The first time I saw this I replayed it three times I thought it was so funny.



Darth Vader Prank - Yes it goes black for a few seconds, keep watching!


Cracked Lord of the Rings TBS commercial - "When Gandolf rides his white horse......watch out middle earth!"