The Assholes Of The Season

1. Drivers. Not surprisingly first on my list. Two people changed lanes almost into the front of my car on the way home from work today. Idiots. Monkeys I tell you!

2. An ex relative of mine. Really. I can't believe some people exist. I think he is pure evil. The scum that grows on scum. The devil not so much in disguise. Mr. Burns without any humour or secret good side that once in awhile surprisingly surfaces. Dog crap after it's been eaten by another dog and crapped out again. Yes. My only satisfaction is knowing that as in all good/evil stories, the bad guy gets what's coming to him in the end. And by golly, he is long overdue for his comeuppance.

3. Bitchy people in stores. Not the workers. The other shoppers. I heard one lady ahead of me in line at Staples today being very rude to the clerk. I felt like saying to her "it's the holidays...don't be a bitch. *zig zag snap*

4. Me. Well. Just today really. Now that my last stressful day of work is over I'm good to go.

Merry Christmas Everybody.

Dear Fashion Industry...

I have a valuable piece of information that could help you sell millions more clothes. Here it is...no, come closer...90% OF PEOPLE ARE NOT A SIZE 0!!!

Do you know there are stores that average sized people cannot shop in because they won't be able to fit into the biggest size there?? I do not consider myself to be obese in any way shape or form, however I was apalled at how many clothing stores at the mall yesterday sport size 0's. Not just a few either...a lot of them. A medium or large was nowhere to be seen. Everything is small or extra small. I picked out a halter top yesterday that looked like a neck warmer. My friends comment? "Yeah Lorraine...I could wear that...maybe one on each thigh." She has a valid point.

Stop trying to squeeze us into your itty bitty clothes. We don't fit. We shouldn't have to fit into sizes that are too small for us. Expand your sizes from 0-6 to something a little more realistic.

Size 0...what is that anyway!?! That shouldn't even exist! 0=nothing...I am a size nothing. I have no size. I am a shapeless blob of nothing, therefore I do not need a proper size. What's next, negative sizes?

In conclusion, we do not need to be skimpy or shove ourselves into tight clothes to look sexy and/or attractive. Wisen up fashion industry!!

Sincerely,
A Pissed Off Lorraine

The Work Christmas Party

I felt bad for the dj...I think people danced to maybe five songs he played. Evidently people at my work would much rather sit around at their tables looking bored than make an effort to have an enjoyable time.

Highlights include:

• Getting drunk in front of my parents
• Keeping my friend in check who had a bit too much...
• Winning a bottle of Jack Daniels, playing cards and dice
• Trying to dance in a tight long skirt and three inch heels while everyone else who was too lazy to dance takes pictures of the idiots trying to dance
• Accusing the bar tender of cunningly placing the mistletoe above the bar so he could get some action
• The DJ and I kept looking at each other (we were doing the flirting without talking thing. I'm so forward I am! I eventually went to talk to him...)
• My mom coming up and trying to talk with me and the guy I was flirting with. She really thought there was nothing wrong with this. "Mom...I love you...go away."
• Watching my parents FAST dance...a sight I have never seen, and don't wish to see ever again
• Being the most dressed up person there (IDA YOU PROMISED TO WEAR A SKIRT YOU LIAR!) but really not minding it...
• Having five minutes to do my hair and actually being able to make it look fancy and good for once...I SUCK at doing hair...
• Eating the salads of both the people who sat to my left and my right. And my own.
• Almost getting into an argument with my boss about capitalism
• Finding a wine I can actually drink without making a face
• I just remembered I forgot to tip the bar tender...but we had drink tickets AND drinks were $5.00!! Come ON!!
• Dripping ketchup on my breast by accident, and then trying to look nonchalent as I wiped it off
• Myles: "I'm Irish!" Me: "That's your answer for everything!"
• Selling the pointsetta I won to Myles for $10. Feeling bad that I kept it even though he wouldn't take it back.
• Hearing my boss tell a story how he and the cleaning guy got drunk after hours once
• Accidentally overhearing my dad bragging about me. Then accidentally hearing how he thought I wouldn't be able to win Canadian Idol but that I would do well in it. (Thanks daddy)
• Michelle taking someone else's wine from their table cause we ran out
• Michelle loading me up with drink tickets (How did she get so many extra??)

That's all I can remember, although that's probably cause I killed a few brain cells that night.

All in all, it was some good times. I requested that we have one every week. Then again, I also requested open bar and ketchup at my table and that didn't happen...

Black Outs, Lost Luggage and Dining Room Tables Set On Fire

Who says life isn't exciting?

So I've neglected my new little hobby for the past few days...I think I've gotten intimidated since I emailed the link to everybody...instead of it just being for me now I have to like, make sure it's entertaining! I CAN'T STAND THE PRESSURE!

Anywho...Wednesday and Thursday some interesting crap went down. Well not so much interesting as annoying. We had no hydro. None at all. And to illustrate how much we take power for granted, I was packing my bag by candle light and was trying to figure out which curling iron to bring. I knew one of them didn't work but I can never remember which one. Naturally I plugged the first in to check. It didn't turn on so I logically made the conclusion that that must be the one not working. Until I remembered that neither would work since the bloody power was out. Ok perhaps that's not so much taking hydro for granted as my dim wittedness...but still...I...err...what was I talking about? Shudup!

Oh yeah...so my mom had candles lit in the dining room for some reason and one of them fell over and set half the dining room table on fire before she noticed and screamed. My dad wrapped the tablecloth up and over it to smother it and ended up burning his hand a bit in the process. I stared at the pretty glowing light. I thought our table had never looked better. Naturally, not one of us thought to grab the fire extinguisher in the other room. No no...who would put those together? Fire>fire extinguisher>put out fire. Nah...my family prefers to work with their hands.

To explain the last point in my title, my dad had just returned from Puerto Rico that day and Air Canada had lost his luggage. So. Thursday night. Not so fun.

Illustrating the world...and my blog!

Hizzah!! I can post pictures! Oh glorious day, oh glorious day...*cough*. Ok I'm done.

Road Rage; This Commute Is Going To Kill Me

Everytime my dad goes away on business (which is quite often) I am left to drive in to work by myself. (For those of you who don't know, we work at the same company). He's in Puerto Rico right now, so instead of sleeping on the way in and only having to contend with traffic driving home, I have to drug myself up on caffeine and try to stay awake for the commute both ways.

On the way in to work today I passed asshole after asshole after asshole, excuse my english. Honestly. If you have seen my website you will be familiar with what I refer to as a left lane clinger and a left lane ignoramous. They dominated the highway today to the point where I wished my car was a bumper car and I could just slam them off the road...in a loving Christian way of course. OR I thought of a huge giant mechanical arm attached to my car picking up the cars in front of me and placing them conveniently to the side. I should look into that.

Anyway, these are the cars that go in the passing lane at 110 km. Sure, it's speeding, but compared to highway traffic this speed is incredibly slow!!! You can drive JUST AS SLOW in the right lane which is PASSING you! But nooooo people INSIST on not being courteous drivers, subsequently holding up traffic and causing mini traffic jams. One guy I had to pass in the right lane had the nerve to flash his highbeams at me. Hey, I'm not the one being an asshole here! I innocently motioned that he should move into the right lane. Ok it wasn't quite innocently and was filled with some vulgar language on my part...and perhaps on his, I couldn't quite read his lips.

Why do people do this?? Honestly...all the way to work...one after the other...I'm not exagerating...is there some sense of shame in moving over to let people pass? Some stubborn arrogance that keeps them in the passing lane? Are we not taught in driving school to stay in the right lane unless we're passing? You may be thinking I am hypocritical in this thinking...I beg to differ. If I am going 140 and someone obviously wants to pass me, and there are no cars in front of me which would therefore make me impeding traffic, I move over and let the car pass. Should he be driving that fast? Probably not. But who am I to enforce what I think the appropriate speed should be by not letting him pass? I say let the idiots pass...let them get in accidents with other cars and not with you. I don't know why more people do not have this mentality.

I was honestly getting visions of bribing driving schools and the police to start teaching/enforcing letting people pass. If cops could ticket people that do this...well...that would make me that hap-diddly-apiest commuter in the world. Haha, I read that over as happiest computer...dear gawd...it's early.

My original point was supposed to be the effect this has on me. ie, I have chest pains right now. It's too stressful. Self induced? Maybe. Some days are fine. I suppose it depends the amount of assholes on the road or not. I won't even bother telling yesterday's story of the asshole who was flashing his highbeams at me and motioning WITH BOTH HANDS (steering wheel?) to move over. This guy was insane. I was three meters away from the next car in front of me, if I moved over he would have nowhere to go anyway. He tailed me like there was no tomorrow till finally steering around the traffic to the right and ending up two cars in front of me before getting stuck again. Way to go asshole...you get a grand gold asshole star. Ok I lied apparently I am telling the story of yesterday.

Ok time to get stressed more and start work. To all you bad drivers out there; I hate you.

This Crazy Blogging Epidemic

In the past 24 hours, I have created 2 blogs. Now...you may be asking, as any logical person might...Lorraine, why in the CRAP do you need 3 blogs, including this one? Well the answer is simple. And I'll let you know what it is as soon as I think of it.

INTRODUCING!
The Awesomeness Blog...brought to you by Lorraine and her Scottish buddy Euan:
www.theawesomenessblog.blogspot.com

And...in a close second...The Drunken Intelligence Blog...brought to you by Lorraine and said buddy Euan...and perhaps anyone else who wishes to participate who has humurous drunken babbles...
www.drunkenintelligence.blogspot.com

Come visit us often...they will be too good to keep for our own enjoyment...why, it would just be selfish, really.

How You Can Haunt Me After I Quit

Here are some things that, upon leaving my company, I never want to hear again:

• timecard
• spreadsheet
• extension
• purchase order
• invoice number/date
• ”May I speak to the person in charge of…”
• WIP Report
• Can you page Paul?
• Can you tell him that _____ called? (That’s why we have VOICEMAIL jerk! I’m a receptionist, not a secretary!)
• Accounting Code
• syacc
• reception/accounting/management drive
• commute
• "tucka tucka tucka tucka tucka" Purchasing guy always comes into reception saying that...

Here are some things that I never want to see again:

• fedex waybills
• a telephone switchboard
• a NG on a fax transmission page
• a metered mail machine
• a commercial invoice

I could go on, but I’ll post for now and just keeping adding on and on until it consumes my entire blog……

Goin' Postal

So I had to go to the post office today for work. As I’m standing in line with my arm load of heavy parcels, I glance around and take in my surroundings, as one usually does when they are waiting for something. I notice there is a cart in the aisle between the two mail outlets. The cart has a bin full of boxes in it. One box is smaller than the rest and is sitting upon a bigger box. The guy infront of me, who is next in line, all of a sudden walks up to said box, and tries putting it in elsewhere in the bin to fit it in.
Now my first impression here is, ok, this guy must work for the post office and I only thought he was standing in line. No, sure enough, when it is his turn, he goes up and mails his parcel like everybody else. Now, this wasn’t just helpfully placing a fallen box back where it belongs…this was full out out trying to jam the damn thing in the bin whether it wanted to fit or not.
Does this strike anybody else as odd?? Could he not be charged with tampering with mail?? Who takes it upon themselves to do something like that?? I thought I was the only one obsessive compulsive enough to have to move something so that it fits nicely in place!

"This is my fake phone voice. How may I direct your call?"

I work right now as a receptionist. As such, certain perks and quirks come with the job. For example, when my daily FedEx courier showed up 45 minutes after we closed, I wrote a strongly worded email and received a free gift basket with lots of chocolate. When Staples messed up my order, they sent me a luggage set. When telemarketers call, I get to mess with their heads. “No I’m sorry…she killed herself…it was because she couldn’t find a good office supplies company…if only you had called sooner…”

I also notice quirky things that many other people wouldn’t notice unless you were in my job. Most of these things drive me nuts. For example, when solicitors walk past not one, but TWO “No Soliciting” signs to my desk and ask to speak to the person in charge of…blah blah blah. As soon as you hear “the person in charge of” you know they have no right to be there. One I’ve been noticing lately is how oddly people speak when they phone somebody.

"Good afternoon, Labcoat Technologies?"

• “May I please speak to the employee Bob Freeman?”
  I'm just curious really…did you REALLY need to specify “the employee”? Who did you think I was going to transfer you to? The elephant Bob Freeman?? The non-employee Bob Freeman??
  
• "Yes, hi, how are you *no pause*, yes, may I please speak to…*shuffling of papers* ummm let’s see here….uhhh…..”
  Good idea to know who you are calling BEFORE you pick up the phone.
  
• "Hi yes, I was wondering if I may have the extension of Mr. Kerry Anderson, I believe his extension is…235?”
  Ok…first of all…I can’t GIVE you the extension, that would require you physically being here. Second of all, I work in a small company and know every extension off by heart…you really don’t have to give me a name AND the extension…but thanks for trying to help me out with my job.
  
• "Hi, how are you today??”
  9 times out of 10, it is a telemarketer. Revert to “I don’t speak english” mode.

HOLY CRAP MY STAPLER JUST MOVED BY ITSELF…I SWEAR IT DID…maybe I should finish my work.

In conclusion, if you are calling a business, A) always know the name of the person you are calling BEFORE you call them and B) say please and thank you. I usually wait a half second before transferring to see if there is a thank you after I say “Yes, one moment please”. C) If you can’t pronounce a hard to pronounce last name, don’t try to sound it out and butcher it…D) Ok I lied, there isn’t a D.

If you are a telemarketer reading this, die in hell.

That is all.

Sugar We're Goin' Down

Usually Fridays are highly enjoyable. I do little work because all my important tasks for the week are done. Also, creepy HR guy isn’t in Fridays. That reason alone is enough to boost my spirits for the rest of the weekend. But…(sigh). Today hasn’t been that great. It’s grey and cold out, as we are no doubt descending into a typical Canadian winter. And…I just found out some stuff that put quite a damper on my spirits. I hate finding out dissappointing things!! It sucks like…like…a vacuum! Argh, I’m not funny either…

So I’m thinking of organizing one of my boycotts on life. Life can’t win if you don’t give it the satisfaction! I just won’t participate! You can’t lose if you’re not playing…although I’m sure that really is just losing in another form.
Anywho, no more depressing blogging…back to the grindstone.

Blog...that's a funny word

Well well well...it's seems I've been converted into the blogging cult...personally, I blame Darren, Larissa, Dave, and Laura for this. It's just like euchre...for so long I refused to learn how to play. All I could see was those learing faces looking at me with dead empty eyes saying in zombie-like monotone voices "Euchre...play euchure...come join us...JOIN US!!!"

Ok so that might be a slight exaggeration.

The point is, I've joined the blogging epidemic...here I am, with my thoughts (or lack thereof) and possibly feelings. I wonder what crazy adventures this road will bring me down...or if I will get bored of this as soon as I finish this post and let this be the first and last post on this website...