Suggestion Box: Last Day At Work

My childish sense of mischief has been working overtime to conjure up ideas for pranks and funny things to do as my last working day approaches (Friday July 28, 2006)

I've taken a page from Jim in The Office and had a few suggestions/ideas already:

• Take an object from someone's desk and put it in a jello mold...then leave it for them to find
• Replacing someone's pens and pencils with crayons
• Have a garage sale for left over office supplies I won't need at my desk
• Buy my old telephone off the company so that I can ceremoniously take a sledge hammer to it in a deserted field...then melt it in a bon fire. "Try and ring NOW...b#%ch..."
• Chasing a solicitor out with a baseball bat
• Squirting a solicitor with a water gun (I just thought of that...oh MAN I would die laughing...)
• Make out with someone on my desk (whoops...that was supposed to go under "secret fantasies"...wrong list...)
• Moon the security camera
• Print off a page that says "I have felt for a long time that my needs as a printer have been neglected. People just come and go in and out of my life all the time and use me for my ink supply. I have feelings too! And I hope the rumours about replacing me haven't been true...I always try to do my best and I'm sorry about the paper jams. Some days I'm just not feeling up to par. Please try to understand and be a little more sensitive in future. Love, Herbert (your printer...yes, I do have a name. Didn't bother to find out did ya?" and just wait for someone to pick it up at the printer
• Convince people that I'm leaving to star in a movie and they should get my autograph while they can
• Try to mail my most annoying coworker to Japan
• Put a sign on my boss's back
• Put up a "donations to the Lorraine fund" box
• Build a monument to myself in reception.
• Plant a fake huge rubber spider in a common area of the office
• Page for Donald Duck or some other humorous cartoon character
• Switch the male and female symbols on the bathrooms
• Put a fake porn icon on my desktop, take a print screen of the desk top, set it as the background, delete the porn icon, but it will still appear as a picture...this should make the person who tries to delete it go nuts because they won't be able to

Clearly this list is not nearly long enough, so please leave me comments with more suggestions!

Thanks.

Love, Herbert.

Busted

"This is your brain when you're speeding: 'hehehehehehe I'm speeding....' This is your brain when you get caught: 'crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap!'" - radio commercial that speaks the truth.

So it finally happened. All this dreading of "my luck is going to run out one day" can now be let go of...my luck ran out yesterday. Personally, I blame you for this. (It's fun to blame things on people that are in no way responsible...you should try it sometime!)

Flying up highway six north yesterday I thought I was invincible...nice straight road...few cars on the road...nice clear day...excellent conditions for being able to see a cop well in advance right?? Wrong...

The bugger snuck up on me from the other side of the road...and caught me going what I admit is an appalling speed...guess what it was...(the speed limit was 80.) 100? Nope...120? Nope...130? Nope...well...sorta....134...*whimpers* Not even my fake FBI ID could save me...and believe me I tried! Agent Nerd has no jurisdiction in Guelph...

I thought he might reduce it...I was lucky the last time I was pulled over...but no...he showed no mercy. Not even when I started bawling my eyes out. Not even when I pretended to think the limit was 100 making it not soooo bad. His words of comfort to me?

"You know, I very well might have saved your life."

Oooooo......yes....thank you for that officer. Can I get your address so that I may personally send you a thank you note and a lovely fruit basket?? Because cleary by pulling me over on a completely clear day on an almost completely open and straight road, you have saved my life. That's a GREAT spin to put on the situation. Thanks so much for giving me the opportunity to appear in COURT in GUELPH which is an HOUR away from my house in August so that I may have my license SUSPENDED for a month. Clearly I am indebted to you...also, if I had balls, now would be the time I would invite you to lick them.

I am a good friggin' driver. I have never been in an accident. I have avoided many accidents from people who have almost driven into ME. My driving record is nearly spotless except for a speeding ticket I got about four years ago. I know I was driving fast...but I wasn't driving recklessly...I'm alert and pay extra attention to the road when I have to drive faster. And the limit really SHOULD be 100 there...and even with all the excuses I'm making, I still don't think I deserve this.

My first favourite part was when he seriously asked me if I was in the FBI because of the fake ID I carry around for fun in my wallet. He actually inspected it. My second favourite part was when he was helplessly trying to say things to make me feel better (or just saying things cause he didn't know what to say) as I sat crying, and he slowly walked away..."Do you know where the courthouse is? (I ALREADY TOLD YOU I'VE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE YOU TWAT) It's downtown, you can't miss it. (THANKS FOR THE TIP, I'LL REMEMBER THAT IN A MONTH) They'll PROBABLY reduce it...(IF THAT'S THE CASE YOU COULD JUST REDUCE IT NOW AND SAVE US BOTH THE TIME, MONEY AND AGGRAVATION!!) are you going to show up on that day? (WHAT DO YOU REALLY EXPECT ME TO SAY RIGHT NOW, 'NO'? I'LL BE TOO BUSY JOY RIDING A BAG OF COCAINE OVER THE BORDER??)" I should have said "yes, I'll drive there as fast as I can." Bahaha........ah.

Oh...uhhh...if anyone talks to my parents....yeah don't mention this quite yet....haven't quite found the way to break it to them....I have a feeling "I got busted for doing 134 in an 80" won't go over too well...maybe I can tell them something worse first so it won't seem so bad:

"Mom...dad...I'm pregnant and am eloping with the father. I also got a ticket for doing 134 in an 80. Oh, and just kidding about the whole pregnant eloping thing..."

Superman is my kryptonite

The title really doesn't have much to do with this post, but I like the cut of it's jib.

Just saw the superman flick, and I have these insightful comments to make:

When the ham sandwich did previews and coming attractions start to take up so much time?? 15 minutes my friends...15 freaking minutes!! That's like an eighth of the movie! Someone actually yelled out "finally!!" when the "feature presentation" graphic finally reared it's head, met by much agreement around the theatre. Does anybody remember the days when they never played commercials before a movie? I do...back in my day...when I had to walk 5 miles to school...in the snow...uphill....BOTH ways...

When they were on the alien rock thingy, what did they plug their computers into? HMM??

"Bowman is dead...he got hit by a piano..." I think Sandra and I were the only ones laughing hysterically at this line. Hit by a piano...hit by a piano!! Who gets hit by a piano if you're not a looney toons character?? I was looking around the theatre to try and see if others found it amusing, but no...apparently the thought of death by piano wasn't humorous to them. Thus I'm pretty sure I was "that girl who laughs when nobody else does in the movie."

Sandra and I had lots of witty banter. For example, when Perry is directing how each department of the newspaper has to cover superman: "Business: how he will affect the stock market. Sports: how are they going to get that plane out of the stadium. Human interest: where has he been and is he seeing anybody. Lifestyle..." Me: "...is superman gay? He DOES where those revealing spandex tights..."

Sandra: "I just don't get how they couldn't know it's him...he's just wearing glasses....it's just glasses people!!!"

Sandra: "He's such a show off flying all around like that." Me: "Yeah, I'd do it too if I could...except I'd fly funny banners from my ankles...."

Also, that poor guy Lois is engaged to...same actor from The Notebook! That poor boy is destined to fall in love with girls that love other men...and he's such a hot nice boy too!! What's the deal?? If that were real life he'd have turned all bitter and women-hater by now. And possibly gay.

Overall, the movie was ok, but the ending dragged out too long...perhaps I'm just mad cause we originally went to go see Pirates Of The Carribean 2. Sold out...a likely story.

It's 2:34 am and I'm off to bed to dream about being a superhero whose cape keeps getting stuck in the phone booth.

Working my magic with cards

Apparently there's like...this game. It's about like...magic. And like...cards.

It seems to be quite widespread, but I don't really get it. My friend Whibley described it as "like chess but with cards". From what I understand, you collect cards and fight other people's cards with them. I asked him if they physically bash the cards together...apparently they don't...although I think it would be much more entertaining.

So a typical card looks something like this:

Whibley was distracted making cards for his friends for fun while chatting to me, so I volunteered to make them for him. After many hours spent toiling, searching for the perfect colours and advanced computer graphics, I had perfected my creation:

Whibley was so grateful for my masterpiece that he decided to make me my very own magic card. I am now famous and being played in the hands of geeks everywhere. (I use the term affectionately...geeks are hot.)

My favourite part is the quote, taken directly from our conversation last night. I think it went something like this:

Me: "My friends and I used to massacre pictures of each other with paint. It was the most fun I've ever had....with paint..."

Whibley: "I like that you added in 'with paint'"

Me: "Yeah, didn't want to seem like a TOTAL loser."

Apparently this card is pretty powerful...watch out magic players...my tall glass of booze and I are comin' after ya!