High/Lowlights Of The Season

Good Crap:

• First and foremost, at the very top of the list as I think it is clearly the most important, I was able to find the very last copy of A Muppet Christmas Carol on DVD.
• Turkey dinner. Yumerific.
  
• My family, after 21 years, still forgetting to put the ketchup out for me. Sure, I could just go and put it out MYSELF...but that's so much effort.
  
• Getting drunk off of ONE DRINK at Diana's house. Is dark rum really that much stronger than white rum?? That's the only explanation I can think of
• Sandra's work shift, although ending later than expected, not ending AS late as expected, so we didn't have to postpone our "not so secret santa" gift exchange for another week. It's a festivus miracle!
• Delivering Christmas hampers (laundry baskets full of everything you need for a turkey dinner, including the turkey) to those less fortunate and seeing their gratitude
  
• When Sandra gave me the biggest hug ever after she opened my gift to her containing a homemade scarf. Funny how you end up looking more forward to giving out gifts than receiving them. Same thing with a small photo album I made for my nana.
  
• My brother and I watching hours of clips of the Ali G show on youtube after Christmas dinner
• Finding the last copy of Miracle On 34th Street for my mom; I swear it was sold out EVERYWHERE
• Getting penguin pyjamas from my aunt. My coolness just went up .874 percent
• I received minimal amounts of chocolate, so working off the holiday pounds shouldn't take too long. It's just the pounds that were there before the holidays that may take longer...haha. Ha. *tears*

Bad Crap:

• On the DVD of my Muppet Christmas Carol, they had cut out my favourite song!! The only question I keep asking is why...why!?! WHY!?
• My oldest brother and his wife were in Edmonton over Christmas. Christmas dinner was a lot quieter without his stories and the fun frivolity him and his wife always bring
• Laura Sandra Diana and I didn't get to volunteer at a soup kitchen Christmas Eve like we wanted to. (At least it was because they didn't need volunteers)
  
• I almost took some lady's head off for parking in the handicapped parking without a permit at the mall. I didn't want to freak on her in case she did in fact have one I couldn't see. She clearly was not handicapped. I wish I'd had her towed but something about it being Christmas and crap made me swallow my anger
• My middle brother and his wife were four hours late getting to our house on Christmas Day so we didn't open presents until 5:00 pm. It had already started to get dark lol.
• I always feel really guilty after Christmas for getting stuff...if that makes sense...so much money gets spent on stuff for me that I don't even really need. Makes me feel very materialistic.
• My credit card is crying. I had to take it to the emergency room because it was abused so badly. With lots of band aids and gauze, I think it will recover just in time for the onslaught of February birthdays.
  

All in all I had a lovely holiday season. I feel the magic of Christmas less and less each year but it usually rears it's head when I need it most.

Now onto the magic of New Years...

Prank Calling British Columbia

I have a lovely friend who lives in Victoria BC. He works at a classic rock radio station as the late night DJ. The following is my phone conversation with him the other night. Thankfully they have a 1-800 number.

"Hey, the Q?" -him
"Hi, how are you!" - me
"Good, and you?" (he has no idea who I am)
"Excellent. I was wondering if I could request a song?"
"Of course, go ahead."
"It's a little unconventional..."
"I love unconventional!"
"Ok, well I hope you've heard of it...it's called...'A Whole New World' from Aladdin?"
"Uhhh...you know, I'm fresh out of Disney."
"Really?? Well, what about Celine Dion, My Heart Will Go On?"
"I've gotta tell ya, that's like the equivalent of requesting Garth Brooks. Was that going to be your next request?"
"No no no...are you crazy...my next request was going to be 'The Rose' by Bette Midler."
"Sorry, we don't have that either..."
"What? JEEZ, do you guys play ANY good music?!?"
"For sure, and I WILL find something for you, I'm very determind. Hang on."

*on hold for about ten seconds. I'm trying to contain my giggling. He comes back on the line and says:*

"How about some Pearl Jam?"
"Weeeellll....................ok, if you're really out of Aladdin."
"And what's your name?"
"It's...uhhhh....well.....it's the lovely Lorraine."
"Oh it's YOU!"
"How could you NOT know it was me?? Who else requests Celine Dion??"
"You'd be surprised..."

At Least They Had Ketchup

"Whoa...I could go to jail for what I'm thinking right now." he responded to the polite "hello" I murmured in passing . My expression immediately changed from friendly to a scowl. How did he think I would react to that? "Thank you for making a lewd comment about me, I'm very flattered. I just can't resist your flashy green and red sequin vest, white hair and leather skin. Take me now." I attempted to formulate a witty sarcastic response but anger prevented me from thinking clearly. I quickened my stride and continued on to the bathroom, where much like George Costanza I continued brainstorming clever responses. "Thank you for refreshing my definition of 'dirty old man'." "I could go to jail too after I drown you in the runny scalloped potatoes." "I'm sure you'd make lots of lovely friends there that you can hit on."

I encountered him at a dinner/theater show I went to tonight. He was, I suppose, the entertainer for the dinner portion of the night. He did so by singing I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas (twice because he forgot the second song he was supposed to sing) and making fun of the diners unfortunate enough to be seated near him. He made his attempt at a few jokes too that were all mildly funny and mildly dirty. Thankfully that was the last I saw of him and was free to enjoy the rest of the night with my ex coworkers.

Yes, it was the staff Christmas party, and no, I don't work there anymore, but lucky for me they still like me and wanted me to attend. I had an early Christmas present for my old supervisor; all the work keys I forgot to return for the past five months. She had no idea I still had them. In return she informed me that the two main people I wanted to see couldn't attend. There will be much growling at them via msn.

It's always awkward running into any form of ex, be it an ex girlfriend/boyfriend or ex boss/coworkers. In either situation, you want to look your absolute best and have exciting stories of what has been going on in your life away from them. Such stories never seem to pop into my head, and I just end up nodding a lot and saying "yup, life is good, nope, nothing new with me...you know...yeah. So..." I've never been great with the small talk, but I'm getting better! I don't have to say "LOOK AT THAT!" and point and run away as often as I used to.

Another interesting part of the night was the woman sitting directly across from me. She was wearing a V neck type of dress suit that showed her entire bra when she sat down. I can't really describe it. I COULD describe the bra in full detail since I pretty much saw the whole thing. She was two inches away from having her breasts resting comfortably on her dinner plate, and I can only imagine what sort of strange side dish she would have thought she received when she dug in.

The play was cute, a British comedy about a married couple that both decide to go away and meet the people they are having affairs with, but end up at the same hotel. Then their adulterers end up being married to each other. The play revolves around them avoiding each other and lying so the others don't find out they are having an affair while the hotel owner desperately tries to mediate while being constantly bribed to partake in the charade. It was very well done, and the actors were friendly and chatted/drank with us after the show. "If you'll excuse me for a moment, I'm going to get ridiculously drunk now."

My favourite part of the whole night (aside from being specially served a dish of ketchup at dinner) was getting gas on the way home. That's not to say the night was boring, far from it. But the funniest part was definitely at the gas station. I was driving my mom's car with my mother in the passenger side, and when she saw gas for 76.6 cents she wanted to stop to fill up. In the twenty seconds it took us to turn left at the lights, do a U turn to get around the median and pull into the gas station, the price had changed to 90.3 cents. What absurd timing! My mom cursed in her Christian manner (ie "Oh FIDDLESTICKS" and "DAG NAV IT!") as I tried to contain my laughter. I'm tellin' ya, it's Murphy's Law!! DAMN that Murphy!

After that I came home and tried to capture one of the few times I get dressed up and look half decent, hence my picture I posted with this. I call it "Trying to be mysterious but really being a dork."

I think that pretty much summarizes my night. It had an old man wearing a sequined vest, a funny play, Christian swearing, crazy gas prices and full sight of a woman's bra. Ask for anything more and you're just being selfish.

*originally written the night of Friday December 15, 2006*

Dreaming In Celebrities

Last night (ok ok, part of this morning/afternoon too) I dreamt the largest number of dreams I can remember having in one sleep session. What blew my mind even more was, upon further inspection, the longest and most distinct dreams featured a major male celebrity whom I have varying degrees of a crush on. I can't describe to you how vivid these dreams were and how confused - and perhaps a little disappointed - I was when I woke up from them.

Dream 1 (in chronological order)
Feature Celebrity: Zach Braff

Zach, by some unbelievable twist in the universe, was actually interested in me. Naturally we ran in the same social circles so it wasn't completely unbelievable, but I was still surprised and flattered. So we started dating, but quickly ended up in a massive argument resulting in us breaking up. Then we would cool off and like each other again and get back together. This seemed to be a cycle. I remember sitting in the passenger side of a car while he drove and telling him "get over yourself" because he started using his celebrity status as ammunition in our argument. He didn't like that too much, but it somehow made him respect me more. Apparently we were on basketball teams too. I guess we played for the same organization. For one game, he was mad at me for not being ready on time, but when I got there none of the other girls were ready either, so in turn I got mad at him. I think we had burgundy uniforms and high yellow socks. A very important detail. Ok not really.

Dream 2
Feature Celebrity: Keifer Sutherland (I don't really have a crush on him, so this dream is especially weird)

Keifer had somewhat retired from his acting career and moved into an apartment building in my neighbourhood. I bumped into him one day and started chatting with him without trying to seem fan-crazed or anything. I turned to walk to a car picking me up for something, then decided to not be a chicken and went back to Keifer. I pulled out a piece of paper, scrolled down my cell number, and wrote something like "let's go out sometime." except not so lame-sounding. I started to write something else too but gave it to him mid-scrawl because I was afraid he'd leave while I was writing. He was confused over the partial sentence. Then as he was walking away with my number in hand, I heard him mutter "slut" under his breath! I was shocked and offended, so I told him off. I remember saying that I just wanted to grab a coffee, not jump in his pants. I think I might have followed him up to his apartment, or he might have invited me since he was impressed I stuck up for myself, but in the hallway something was going on. Someone was holding a bunch of people hostage, Jack (I mean Keifer) and I included. He somehow discreetly dropped three guns in these poll type things and lined up with everybody else. While I was trying to figure out how/when to get them, the gunmen let everyone go except myself and two other people, one of them being my mother. I begged them to let her go and take me instead. They agreed and were about to shoot us when some people jumped in the room, attacked them and saved us. Somehow one of the gunman ended up being this girl I went to elimentary and high school with. She had some disease that made her all psycho like that, ha. But she escaped, and later I had to run through a cornfield to get away from her. A cornfield, how cliche! (I don't know how to put the accent on the 'e') I was mad at Kiefer for not being Jack Bauer in real life and using the guns he had. Actors, what are they good for.

Dream 3
Feature Celebrity: Dr. House, aka Hugh Laurie. (The character instead of the actor)

I was at the hospital, I THINK to get my fitness assessment for the gym. Naturally, there was a Family Fitness in the hospital. House was the one doing my assessment, but got called away early. He walked out into the hall and turned to say he'd be back. But he didn't come back. So every time I went to the "gym" it was really to just try and get a glimpse of House and find an excuse to talk to him. I kept seeing him from afar, but couldn't get up close. Then for some reason a Kaylin Porter concert broke out in the hospital, and I was sitting in the middle aisle about 10 rows from the front with a friend, cheering him on. Like, what the hell, I would never be at a Kaylin Porter concert. But apparently we were friends and he gave me a special nod from on stage. Someone yelled something at me and I turned around and there was Dr. House standing behind a railing a few floors up. I left to try to talk to him but couldn't make it up there. Then something about Niagara Falls. Who the heck knows. After that, it went onto another VERY strange dream that I won't even try to explain.

The thing that messes me up about dreams like this is that they are SO vivid! Not even so much the images but the emotion. 12 hours later, I still feel very connected to each of these people, as if the experiences really happened. That's the last time I eat chicken burgers before going to bed. At least...for awhile. Like a week, tops.

How Nipple Tassels Invaded My Friday Night

*Warning: The following post is rated PG14. Possibly more. Be ye warned and not offended.*

There's nothing like going to see what you think is a band and walking in on a burlesque show. Doing so will result in the following comments between Laura and I:

• "Oh gawd...my eyes...MY EYES!! THEY BURN!"
• "I wonder how many STD's these girls have."
• "If she comes over here, I'll bottle her." "Good. We should never go anywhere without a beer bottle ever again, just in case."
• "Is she supposed to be drinking gasoline?!?" "THROW A MATCH DOWN HER THROAT!"
• "Apparently 90 lbs girls are sexy now."
• "Is the band going to start soon? I can't take any more half naked girls." (Laura to the bouncer)
• "Who drinks a smirnoff ice in a MARTINI GLASS?!?"
• "I am so grateful we sat behind a pillar."

I can't say it wasn't educational at all...I now know of the existance of nipple tassels. I can honestly say that this piece of knowledge in no way enriches my life. They were attached to a girl who had a chest like a twelve year old boy. I have no idea how they stayed on. Crazy glue? Ouch!

The strangest performance would have to go to the girl who held up a succession of signs: "Vote for me." "Buy my (*censored: means the same word as "stuff"*)" and "Die for me." With each sign she felt the need to lick the sides. I wondered how she didn't get a paper cut on her tongue. She finished the act by licking a bottle of gasoline and pretending to drink it. Then some old guy dressed up like a cowboy pimp started dancing around her with a sparkler. I swear, this really happened. It was like a car accident...you can't help but look.

My favourite part of the performance was when the big Cadillac symbol hanging behind the band fell down. Cadillac Bill picked it up and pointed to some ducks painted on it. All he said was "This thing has travelled across Canada about four times. Do you see the ducks?? You like the ducks??" ...I guess you had to be there.

When the band was done, I wanted to say hi to him because we had previously been chatting on myspace, which is where I found out about his band. I think the conversation went like this:

"Hey." -Me
"Hi..." -Bill
"Do you recognize me?" -Me
(At the same time) "Do I know you?" - Bill
"Uhhh...sort of...from myspace..."
"Oh. Which one?" (I took this to mean which girl, as there seem to be many he talks to on there, but in hindsight I think he may have meant which myspace since he has two)
"Um, I'm Lorraine...we talked about your baby raccoon." (long story)
"Oh."
"Yeah. Good show tonight though. You didn't suck."
"Thanks. You'll have to email me cause I won't remember this at all."
"Alright, see you later."

A lovely encounter, no? Ha.

We left shortly after that and ended up watching Charlie Chaplin on tv till 3am. Yes, it was a strange night indeed.