Conversation Medley: Spock, Euchre and Cat Tails

Via msn:

Me: My friend met Spock about a month ago.

Brian: When he was in Vulcan?

Me: Yeah, and Calgary.

Brian: He must get very tired of still being Spock...

Me: If I were him, I think I would be having an identity crisis for the past 50 years.

Brian: I think I would be tempted to get up at the podium...stare out at all the people dressed in Trek clothes...and tell them to move on.
________________________

While playing euchre:

My euchre partner: Why is it that you only win when I’m not your partner?!

Me: …because you’re not my partner…?
________________________

While I draw a picture of my co-worker's cat on her white board, she tells me a story about meeting her ex for coffee:

“So yeah, he walked in and…he has a long black tail with a white tip.”

I stop drawing and turn to her…

“…what? Wow, what kind of kinky guys do you date!?”

Spelling & Grammar Pet Peeves

I was talking with a friend today about spelling and grammar pet peeves. While I in no way claim to be the all knowing authoritative source for spelling and grammar, and do (on rare occasions, ahem) make errors myself, I cannot help but be bothered by some very common spelling and grammar mistakes. I've also discovered a definitive correlation between the type of error and my level of annoyance. If I were to chart it, it would go something like this:

C Level Errors

Annoyance Level: Mild

Annoyance Indications: furrowing of one or both eyebrows, narrowing of eyes

• then/than
• to/too
• its/it's
• effect/affect
• whose/who's
• double spaces between words

B Level Errors

Annoyance Level: Medium

Annoyance Indications: Unsuccessful suppression of eye twitches, low grunts of disapproval

• you're/your
• there/their/they're
• desert/dessert
• where/wear
• were/we're

A Level Errors

Annoyance Level: High

Annoyance Indications: Yeti-like noises and mannerisms

• using three commas instead of ellipses (,,,/...)
• apostrophes in the wrong place, such as turning "doesn't" into "does'nt". (Saw this error on a shirt in Bluenotes one day. True story.)
• spelling the word "definitely" incorrectly such as; definately, deffinatly, definatly, and ESPECIALLY defiantly, which makes it a different word all together

One of my co-workers perpetually writes "defiantly" instead of "definitely", and I've been trying for months to find a gentle way of saying AHHH STOP WRITING 'DEFIANTLY' WHEN YOU MEAN 'DEFINITELY' BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU DO A SMALL PIECE OF ME DIES! Just remember; every time you write "defiantly" instead of "definitely", the terrorists have won.

My friend did mention that one of the only times it pleases him to see things spelt incorrectly is in a tattoo, and he sent me a link to this picture, which really just made my day:

I'm actually not incredibly surprised that someone who would want "I'm Awesome" tattooed on their back would spell it incorrectly.

Google (The Wise & Powerful)

I was in the middle of doing laundry tonight when I noticed one of my white shirts - despite having been bleached repeatedly - was still not looking quite as white as I would like it to. Being the resourceful perfectionist that I am, I immediately consulted the all-knowing Google.

Oh wise and powerful Google, the 2000's version of www.askjeeves.com, the modern-day magic 8 ball of all knowledge replacing vague, obtuse answers such as "ask again later" or "outlook not so good" with millions of answers of every colour, shape and size conveniently categorized into "results". But you are not only a provider of knowledge, oh no...you also add joy to already joyous holidays by presenting a lovely custom Google graphic logo. I always know when it's Halloween because when I google something on October 31st, I see the letter G is lookin' mighty smug in its witches hat, and those two little o's are lookin' mighty uncomfortable stewing in that cauldron. Although, I must say, even on an average day, just seeing those primary colours (plus that sneaky non-primary-coloured green 'l') softly dance around the curves of the Google letters makes me feel happy. I think because those colours subconsciously remind me of crayons. And, really, who doesn't like the thought of crayons?

So laundry...right. I log on to google (the wise and powerful), type the first three words of "how to get your shirts their whitest" and see google (the wise and powerful) - like an over-zealous student that sits at the front of the class and yips "OOOHHH OHHH! PICK ME, I KNOW, I KNOW!" while nearly falling out of his chair from pushing his hand so far in the air in an effort to answer the question before the teacher has even finished asking it - present me with its top ten guesses for what I am hoping to learn how to get. Here is the list:

Let's take a moment to examine the top ten things that people have googled "how to get".

• "How to get rid of fruit flies" is second ONLY to "How to get pregnant". We hate them so much that as soon as we conquer that challenging and highly emotional conception problem, the most prominent issue in our minds is dealing with those damn fruit flies.
• 50% of the listed items are cosmetic.
• People desperately want to know how to get a guy to like them, but not as desperately as wanting to know how to get a girl to like them.
• 'Bed bugs', despite being used for ages as a seemingly cute bedtime rhyme for children ("Goodnight...sleep tight...don't let the bed bugs bite...") actually DO exist, and, coming in at number 8, are much more prevalent than we might have thought. (Although, not as prevalent as fruit flies.)

On a google (the wise and powerful) sub-topic, have you ever googled yourself? I just did. Just now. Just for funsies. Check it out:

1,210,000 results! Google (the wise and powerful) loves me THAT much. I knew the feeling was mutual.

Cards For Coworkers

This email from Nikki, my fellow stuck-behind-a-desk-all-day friend, totally made my Friday afternoon:

K, so get this! I just got a card thrown at me to sign, and I assumed it was a birthday card because we celebrate EVERYONE'S birthday. Anyway, I signed it saying "Happy Birthday” and it turns out it was a Going Away card.

“You’ll be missed!”
“Good luck!”
“Happy Birthday!”

Oops.

I know I'm going to hell for saying this, but the only thing that could have possibly made this funnier was if it was a bereavement card:

"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"You're in our thoughts and prayers."
"Happy Birthday!"