Eye Contact: A Lethal Mistake

As I was walking through the mall today I made the mistake of catching the eye of what I thought was just a cute guy up ahead. Instead I made the deadly mistake of making eye contact with a kiosk sales person. Then I made the mistake of saying hello in response to his hello. And then I was in: he had his hooks in me and I could do nothing but flail helplessly as a warning to all other shoppers not to fall for this cute boy bait as I had!

Flashbacks from when I was on my grade 6 trip to Montreal flashed through my head. My friend Kelly and I were walking through the mall when one of these people came up to us and started talking about his product in French. We had no idea what he was saying. Kelly and I looked at each other and promptly took off running down the mall, away from the shouting frenchman desperately trying to sell us something in a language we couldn't understand.

That's what I felt like doing today. Except the thick European accent that flowed out from his lips wasn't strong enough to validate saying "Sorry, I don't speak fren...er...I don't know what you're saying." So I stood there while he straightened my hair with his $200 (now on sale for ONLY $100) ceramic straightening iron. I told him I already have one, but apparently one that was $3.99 from Value Village wasn't very impressive to him. He also, and I have no idea how, managed to curl a piece of my hair with the straightening iron. Not a trick worth $100, but still, impressive. My favourite trick question that he asked me: "Is your hair important to you?" I should have said "not as important as it seems to be to you." I asked him to fix my hair and said I would come back.

Unfortunately, when I walked by him again, I was on my cell phone desperately trying to keep Sue on the line until I had past them, so I couldn't buy one. It was then I decided to always have my cell phone on hand in circumstances like this. Accidental eye contact?? No problem! You just happened to receive a cell phone call right after! "Sorry, I really have to take this. Oh you didn't hear it ring? That's cause I have it on vibrate. Cheers!"

Lorraine Lingo

Effin - The phonetic spelling of "F'n" which is a short form of...uh...well...I probably shouldn't write that word on here. Only really works in written communication as to not be confused with "F'n".

Example: "That new Justin Timberlake song is effin dumbtarded."

Dumbtarded - A more politically correct version of "retarded" that I fully admit to having stolen from my brother.

Example: "My brother is going to think I'm dumbtarded for stealing his word."

Pants - Used as a curse word instead of traditional swear words. Can also be used as an expression of shock/surprise.

Example: "Oh PANTS, I left my keys in the front door again!!"

Mother Puss Bucket - See previous definition.

Example: "Mother puss bucket! That tube top is so small the only thing I could wear it as is a neck warmer!"

I'ma - Used to indicate one is about to do something.

Example: "I'ma go see if I can find a squirrel that resembles Abraham Lincoln."

Aheugh? - Similar to the questioning grunt Tim Allen makes in Home Improvement. Used to indicate confusion about something.

Example: "Luminescent signal quantitation with microplate or tube solution-based assays is performed with a luminometer, which measures light being emitted from a sample with either a PMT-based or photodiode detector, or with a CCD camera detector." "Aheugh??"

Fantastical - A variation of the word fantastic to make it different and more interesting.

Example: "I caught you a delicious bass." "Fantistical!"

Lovely - A former adjective now being used as a noun. I will call you this if I like you and you are a girl. Sometimes a guy if you're a little feminine.

Example: "Hey lovely, you have some mustard on your upper lip."

Love - Something else I might call you if I like you or I am being condescending or sympathetic. I will also say this one to guys. It's a habit from being friends with UKians.

Example: "I think you have to TURN the knob to open the door, love."


...More to come. Probably. Maybe. POSSIBLY.

Remembrance Day

I'd like to take a moment out of my normal brand of zaniness to discuss Remembrance Day. I just returned from a Remembrance Day service and I need to type my feelings and thoughts before they go out of my head and I return to my egocentric life routine. Remembrance Day has always been a day that hits me hard, and yet I never think it hits me hard enough.

At the Canadian Warplane Heritage Museum the turn out was a few thousand over the the few hundred expected. Laura and I mostly sat surrounded by people twice our age with the familiar hats of a veterans randomly popping out of the crowd. We were stuffed in shoulder to shoulder.

The ceremony started out as they usually do; greetings, welcomes, bringing out the flags or "colours" as I learned they are called.

We stood respectfully for the two minutes of silence. I don't know if it was planned, but the steady buzzing of an aircraft started to build from what must have been just outside. We couldn't see it but we knew it was there. It slowly rose to a crescendo and filled the hollow hanger. It was everywhere; engulfing everybody and reverberating through my brain. The noise wasn't anywhere near deafening, but it consumed you the way a deafening sound would. I closed my eyes and imagined standing in a field while hearing that sound overhead.

The Redeemer University College Concert Choir helped the speaker with a passage of Scripture. He would read a line and they would sing another line, bouncing back and forth like a tennis ball. They started out with just the girls singing in unison. Then the girls split into two part harmony. With each session they added more voices and split into more harmonies until at last the sound was rich and full. It was beautiful. "And I will raise you up on wings of Eagles and hold you in the palm of my hand."

The video presentation hit me like no other. Under a soft voice singing Oh Canada the pictures of soldiers who have died in Afghanistan focused and faded across the screen. It took me a moment to realize that these lively faces captured in photographs that could not have been more than a year old were no longer living on this Earth. There were so many. It's one thing to see old crosses and black and white photos from wars sixty years ago. There is a certain amount of acceptance that comes with remembering. But to see the young faces of present day Canada and to know how recently they died...I can't describe how this hit me. There are no words. The only way to express what I felt was through the involuntary lump in my throat and the tears streaming down my face. I felt silly crying at first. I couldn't see anyone else crying. And then I thought how trivial it was to be worried about how I looked crying. I let my tears spill over without bothering to wipe them away.

We've been fighting so long for peace...isn't there some sort of an oxymoron in that? I start thinking about the nature of war and why we fight. The last few decades have given us a new reason to fight. Not over land, but against terrorism and inhumanity. What saddens me is to think that no matter how hard we fight...no matter how long we fight...we will ALWAYS be fighting against these demons. All we can do is hope to better the world and save the lives of the ones we love. But the issues of war are too big for me to analyze. There is too much and I just feel overwhelmed by the enormity of it all.

During the singing of God Save The Queen (to which Laura and I could not sing along because we have never learned it) the man sitting next to me pointed to a veteran infront of us and informed me that he had flown the Spitfire. I have to admit, I am not very knowledgable with Canadian history. But I knew from the way he said it that it was very prestigious. I told Laura after. I'm not sure if she knew or not either, but she gave the same reaction as I did. "Oh wow."

At the conclusion of the ceremony the speaker asked the veterans to stand up. It was a veteran three rows ahead of me who clutched the hand of his wife as he stood that set off my tears again. How much had they lived through together!

At the retiring of the colours I felt humbled and in awe of those that serve their country. Those that risk their lives to make this world a bit of a better place for you and me to live in. Who of us can declare such selflessness?

Wear a poppy. It's the least you can do.

When you go home
Tell them of us and say,
For your tomorrow
We gave our today

-From a World War II British Army monument on the Kohima Ridge in Burma

Late Night Conversations

I've been up pretty late the last few nights. Somehow (well, I actually know how) my sleep habits have been completely reversed. One advantage to this generally depressing situation is that I get to stay up on the internet and have great late night conversations with entertaining people. Like tonight for example. Here's a snippet from my convo with Richy regarding sneaking food into movie theaters:

RICHY says:
One time i was bbq-ing myself a large hamburger at home when my friends came to pick me up to go to a movie (i underestimated the time). So i brought the burger into the theater in my pocket. That's when i realized that the most warm and comforting feeling in the world for me is having a hamburger in my pocket.

~Lorraine™~ says:
LOL. I MIGHT blog your last message.

RICHY says:
It made me want to write a new age song called 'burger in my pocket'.