Quote-tastic

A compilation of some recent quotes from silly friends:

__________
On msn:

Me: So yeah, we broke up.
Darcy: *pause* Have you ever thought about what it would be like to not have lips?
__________

At the hilarious university play my friend directed:

*actress says her line and everybody laughs, including my friend who I am sitting next to.*

Me: What did she say?
Paul: I dunno, but it was funny anyway.
__________

Progressive Conversations:

Me: I hate people that shovel the snow onto the street.
Dave: I hate people that SHOVEL.
Me: I hate people.

Dave S: If you can't see, I'll angle my chair.
Me: I'll angle YOUR FACE.
Laura: I'll MANGLE your face.
Shawn: I like mangos.
__________

Me: *sees Paul blow onto his hands* Are your hands cold?
Paul: Nope.
Me: I just saw you blow on them.
Paul: I'm just MAINTAINING their heat.
*Lorraine and Dave exchange smiles*
__________

Me: My body is all messed up, it thinks it's time to be awake now at 3am.
Laura: My body is saying "Go to bed you idiot."
__________

Me: I think we lost the maturity when I said the term "opposite sex" and Dave said "hehe, SEX."
Laura: Then I said "hehe, OPPOSITE."
__________

Laura: Wait, so you CAN'T see her right now? That's CRAZY how mirrors work!
__________

For more retarded quotes, click here. It's my old old website pre-html when I was in like, grade 10 . Haven't changed it in years, but I love the quotes on it.

Until next time...keep fit and have fun. *cue body break music*

Mature and Responsible Lorraine

Sunday afternoon I did something very mature and responsible. Stop laughing...it is possible for me to be both mature AND responsible. Ok maybe not simultaneously. I mean, let's not get carried away here. I'm still mastering the walking and chewing gum thing too. But I have seem to have mastered the driving with your knee while putting on your mascara thing. Hmm, I must be a selective multi-tasker.

Although my task in and of itself was mature and responsible, (filing my income tax), naturally one of them had to give. In this case it was the responsible thing. I don't know how, but I somehow dinked around on the internet looking up various items on ebay from when I woke up around 1 (my one day this week that I could sleep past 7) until 3:30, completely forgetting I needed time to get ready for my 4:00 appointment. I raced downstairs, poured some cereal, ate it on the way up the stairs and jumped in the shower. (I was tempted to bring the cereal IN the shower but foresaw some problems. Such as soggy cereal.) Yes, I should have skipped the shower, but I just couldn't bring myself to. Besides, in my mind I can be lightning fast when I want to be.

I wasn't lightning fast (darn you hard-to-beat lightning) and soon found myself standing in my room half dressed and with wet hair at 3:55 pm. I couldn't go with wet hair...I'd get sick. OR half dressed...they'd get sick. So on went the clothes and the hair dryer.

Then I had my wave of brilliance...I could HALF the time it takes to dry my hair by using TWO hair dryers at once. On went my spare hair dryer.

For a few minutes everything was great. Then both dryers went dead along with any other electricity fed appliance in my room.

"Oh, nice timing! THIS SUCKS! *Lorraine growl*"
"What sucks?" -Mom
"The power is out."
"No it's not..."-Mom
"Yes it is.......?"

Sure enough it was just the power in my room and the room next to me that I had shorted out the power on. The universe punishing me for irresponsibility I guess. Stupid universe.

When I arrived at 4:15 I apologized profusely for being late. I told them how punctuality is not my forte and that they subsequently shouldn't be surprised I had last year's taxes AND the year before to calculate. One day...one day I will learn. One day when they invent clocks and watches that smack you in the head when it's time for you to do something.

You can't lose something you never had...such as my mind

It's been seven years.

I started working there the summer before high school and worked every subsequent summer.

Six months out of high school I was hired full time and stayed for a year and a half.

Now I'm back working there for a few months.

During my first summer there, I was too terrified and shy to eat with the "adults" and would eat my lunch huddled away in a corner of my dad's office. But I quickly made friends with them and started eating in the kitchen.

The cupboard containing the glasses and mugs is right next to the cupboard containing the plates and bowls.

It's been seven years.

And when I need one of these items...

...I STILL go to the opposite cupboard to retrieve it.

Every time.

Antonio Wants Some Pringles

I admit it, in the past I have met people off of the internet. But before I ever met anyone in person, I would talk to people who lived far away and just chat over the internet or phone if I felt comfortable.

Antonio is one of these people.

When I first "met" him about five years ago, he was living in New Jersey and part of a band that was on the edge of making it big. I still have their CD. They traveled around the country in a school bus that he owns, but scratched off certain letters to make it say "Cool Bus" instead. He's a bit older than me, but a big kid at heart. And he knows WAY too many people. And he cracks me up.

Today I got to catch up with him for the first time in two years, and it's always like no time has gone by since we chatted. He still lives in New Jersey, but quit the band to pursue his own stuff. Now he works for the company that distributes Pringles doing audio editing, and is soon to be the star of a television commercial. He sent them this video which they recently decided to air as an official commercial during American Idol.

(The embed version isn't working for some reason, so you'll have to click on this link to view his ridiculous pringles commercial. It's worthwhile, trust me.)

http://www.jinglesforpringles.com/jingle/8/

Whether we will see it in Canada or not, I do not know. But watching it here is more than enough for me! Oh Antonio, you silly monkey you. What will you be doing in another two years??

It's Tradition

I've taken vocal lessons since grade 7.

I originally started them to better ensure my chances at getting the part of Dorothy in our school production of The Wizard of Oz. Oddly enough, the girl who was first cast sang too loud and completely off key. This led me to question my music teacher's ear for music, and made me wonder if I was wasting my money on training that she wouldn't notice anyway.

But I ended up really enjoying the lessons and decided to continue with them after the play. (Where I starred as one of three Dorothys. Don't ask.)

It's now been *counts on fingers* well, lots of years since.

For the past four years or so, I have had my own car and been able to drive myself to said lessons.

Each year, my teacher will make a note in my book or tell me that I have no lesson the following week due to March Break. And every year that she was told me this, I will forget, drive all the way down there, and remember while standing on her front porch.

Yesterday marked the fourth anniversary of this tradition.

Friday Night Frivolity

Cambridge is only good for three things, as far as I can tell: A) My best friend Diana lives there B) Dooley's C) It is home to one of the few remaining roller rinks that seem to be quickly disappearing. (RIP Roller Gardens...we miss you.)

The plan tonight was to participate in all great three things Cambridge has to offer. Unfortunately we were only able to participate in two. Dooley's, I know your feelings are hurt, but we WILL visit next time. Yes...there will be a next time.

We met Diana at a pub (we = Laura and her new boy, Dave and Paul and myself of course) where it didn't take me long to tell Diana's fellow midwife how Laura used to mix up 'labia' and 'tibia'. Someone would kick her in the shin and she'd go "OWWWW, MY LABIA...." Laura corrected me and said it was actually the other way around...someone would kick her in the crotch and she'd say "OWWWW MY TIBIA...." I think it's equally funny either way.

Actually, Laura had a few good quotes from tonight. Must have been trying to impress her new guy:

"C'MON GUYS, we're only going to have TWO HOURS left to skate!"
"I like green tea. It has antibodies." -Laura
"...you mean antioxidants?" -Me
"...........yes. Those." -Laura

Roller skating is a scary business for me...there are always those annoying people that try to squeeze in through some tiny space between you and the person next to you and give you a heart attack. There are also these crazy old people there that are remarkable skaters. One almost killed me when I was moving to the side to see Dave and Paul. While singing The Spice Girls. Yeah, it was retro night...which pretty much translates into guilty pleasure music. Rock on.

My favourite part of the night was when we were driving home. Dave and I somehow decided to start answering every question with true or false. Then it expanded to countries. Personally, I just want to answer "penguins" to every question someone poses to me. Examples:

"How are you feeling today?" "False."
"What are you having for dinner tonight?" "Algeria."
"Where did you get your sweater?" "Penguins."

Just a heads up: these answers will be used. And whether you think they are funny or not, I will be laughing at them.

Personal Office Statistics

I'm 95% sure that the cup I am drinking my tea out of was mistakenly placed back in the cupboard as clean when it was, in fact, dirty.

I'm also 84% sure that I will ignore this fact, push any thoughts of germs out of my mind, and will drink the rest of it anyway rather than forward the phones, trudge back upstairs, go to the opposite side of the building where the kitchen is and pour myself a new cup.

I'm 68% sure that these statistics will gross at least one of you out.

I'm 52.73% sure that I don't really care if this grosses you out.

I'm 100% sure that I will blog about this.

Next Time I'm Going To Wear Goggles

Saturday night I headed over to Diana's for Dave's birthday dinner before we went to see Sandra's play and then drinks at Hess. I had just taken my coat off when Diana's mom - a very sweet woman who often greets me with a hug - came up to me with her hand out. Not knowing what to do I turned my head to avoid a collision, providing the perfect angle for her thumbnail to gauge my right eyeball.

"OWWWWW...."

"I'm so sorry, I was trying to grab you for a hug!"

"Oh it's ok, it's not like I use that eye anyway."

"What a nice first greeting eh? Oh no, I was working with food too..."

"Yeah, did make sure to rub some garlic under your fingernails first?"

"Yes, some red pepper too."

"Well, it's good to see you anyway. With my ONE EYE."

Expanding The Family Empire

It's March 2, and I can finally tell the world a secret that I have been holding in for WAY too long.

Now don't get your panties in a twist, the baby the cartoon stork is holding is NOT mine. I'm still keeping THAT baby a secret. Ok kidding. Seriously, kidding.

However, I am about five months away from becoming an aunt for the first time! Ok so most of you will already know that. But did you know that I will be an aunt to...*drumroll*...a baby girl! OR, as my brother says, a very unfortunate boy. Her name will be Abigail (not sure how they are going to spell it) or Abby for short, and she will, I have no doubt, be completely spectacular.

I should clarify that Abby doesn't belong to Darren and Larissa who I often blog about, but my other brother and his wife who, due to the nature of their jobs, cannot be named. No they don't work for the CIA you silly monkey. That's completely absurd. What a typical "I can't name my job" guess of employment. Can't you be a little more creative in your blog posts?? I mean, employment guessing?

I can't convey how excited I am to be an aunt, I have been bugging them about it the entire 9 years they have been married. On the day I found out (way back in November) I was by myself at a gas station in Waterloo, just about to fill my tire up with air when my cell phone rang. "Lorraine, you are the fourth person to know that our test was positive." And then I couldn't stop crying because I was so happy and excited. I think it was my first experience with tears of joy. But I couldn't help thinking how everyone at the gas station would see me crying and think "that girl is completely overreacting to a flat tire."

So, world, prepare yourself for Abby. I will probably spoil her and be incredibly overprotective of her, but hey, what are aunts for? I leave you with my favourite baby quote:

"I thought we weren't going to emotionally scar him until he was older?" -Dr. Cox
"I MAY have painted his toes for funnsies..." - Jordan

-Scrubs