Cards For Coworkers

This email from Nikki, my fellow stuck-behind-a-desk-all-day friend, totally made my Friday afternoon:

K, so get this! I just got a card thrown at me to sign, and I assumed it was a birthday card because we celebrate EVERYONE'S birthday. Anyway, I signed it saying "Happy Birthday” and it turns out it was a Going Away card.

“You’ll be missed!”
“Good luck!”
“Happy Birthday!”

Oops.

I know I'm going to hell for saying this, but the only thing that could have possibly made this funnier was if it was a bereavement card:

"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"You're in our thoughts and prayers."
"Happy Birthday!"

A Surprise Around Every Corner. Well, One In Particular.

It was an average night after an average work day when Nikki and I decided to go for some average food at an average restaurant. We finished a scrum-diddly-umptious meal and headed out into the parking lot, giggling about something that I'm sure only we would find humorous. We turned to go around the corner of the building, and stopped dead in our tracks. Here is the conversation that immediately took place:

Lorraine: Um. That's a penis. That man has his penis out. 

Nikki: ...and he is peeing.

We abruptly turn around and walk back the way we came. Nikki is laughing uncontrollably. I am in a state of shock.

Nikki: I didn't see anything except the stream.

Lorraine: I noticed IT first and THEN the stream! He wasn't even using his hands to aim! He was just STANDING there! I don't know whether to be impressed or disgusted!! No wait, definitely disgusted!

I start gagging. Nikki laughs harder at me gagging, because for some reason, it's hilarious to her.

Lorraine: I really hate Edmonton sometimes.

Luckily when we went around the other way to my car, mysterious drunken peeing guy had disappeared. But I still gagged, (and Nikki still laughed) alllll the way home.

More Blonde Moments With Nikki

Via msn:

Me: Don't let me forget, I have to fast tomorrow.

Nikki: Why??

Me: I have to get some blood work done on my lunch hour and I have to fast twelve hours before.

Nikki: Oh. You're going on your lunch?

Me: Yeah, it's at 12:40.

Nikki: Oh.

Me: So yeah, I can't eat past midnight tonight.

Nikki: Ah...I was trying to figure it out. I was counting on my fingers and everything.

Me: Umm...if you add or subtract twelve hours to a time, it's still the same number...3 a.m. plus twelve hours is 3 p.m...

Nikki: ...leave me alone!

A New Take on "Sugar High"

Nikki: I LOVE these Rockets candies. I had them all the time when I was a kid. We used to crush them up and snort them and pretend it was coke.

*Lorraine looks dumbfounded*

Nikki: What?! I grew up in a rough town, ok??

We're All The Stars Of Our Own TV Shows

I was accosted the other day on my way to work.

I had just stumbled off of my bus ride in my usual early morning zombie-like state and made my way to the street corner across from my work. I immediately noticed a few people standing around the corner with a tv camera aimed at them. Before I turned my head in an attempt to discretely walk by, I saw that it was two people collecting for the Salvation Army with a bell and a collection ball hanging thingy. I'm sure there is a more technical term somewhere.

Turns out it was someone from Citytv breakfast television trying to help the Salvation Army rep collect donations. I made the mistake of turning around and accidentally making eye contact which she used as her opportunity to ask me if I would like to donate anything to the Salvation Army. 50 cents, a dime, ANYTHING she says. Not wanting to be the jackass that turns down a charity, especially on tv, I dug out my wallet, faced the camera, and wished I had been a little bit more attentive with my make up that day.

When I put it in, the Citytv host asked me if there was anyone I wanted to say good morning to. Knowing that A) there would be nobody I knew who was watching that

station at that time and B) well...actually just point "A)" again, I stared terrified into the camera and said something resembling "uuuuuummmgggguhh...gooooood moooorning...uhhh....Edmonton???" to which she responded "Well said!"

I was actually able to retrieve a shot of me being on tv. Here is a screen shot of the incident:

After this, I swiftly walked into work extremely flustered and hoping nobody saw my tv debut.

Nikki wasn't in yet, so I went up and left a note on her desk saying "I was accosted this morning." but left it unsigned. She called me about 15 minutes later. Our conversation went like this:

Nikki: How were you accosted?

Lorraine: How did you know it was me?!

Nikki: Honestly Lorraine...you're the only person I know who would use the word "accosted."

She knows me too well.

Premonition

Driving home on Saturday night:

Thought process in Lorraine's head:

Why are these freakin' cars driving so slow?! Why do people drive EXACTLY the limit here? Get out of my way. Yeesh. Finally, I can accelerate. Okay, I'm only going 70k/h in a 60 zone. That's not bad, I can live with this. Hey, it's weird, I keep hearing about how they have photo radar here, but in the year I've lived here, I've never gotten caught. Which I'm pretty lucky for, because I speed a lot. Although now that I'm thinking about how I've never been caught, I'm probably going to get caught. Ha, wouldn't that be a crappy coincidence. That would suck. *Looks around nervously*

*FLASH*

Me: Nikki. Did you see that.

Nikki: Yes. You just got caught on photo radar.

In a recent MSN conversation with my UK buddy...

Me: So speaking of Gandhi, do you think non-violent non-cooperation could work in modern day society?

Euan: ...is this not the cutest squirrel EVER???

Best Friend Conversations

Having a conversation with Nikki about work using extremely advanced technical IT jargon:

Nikki: You don't need to do a computer account request form, just an equipment move request form. All you need is your asset number on your...box...thingy.

Lorraine: ...you mean your hard drive?

Nikki: ....yes, that.

Lorraine: You DO realize you work in IT, right?

Nikki: Shutup!

Sensitivity

Nikki: Yeah, that guy was huge.

Dani: Yeah. And his girlfriend was kinda hefty.

Nikki: Dani!! That's not very nice. It's not like she was a cow!

Metaphors, milk and mushy. Mmmmm.

Me: I need to get an oil change.


Nikki: ...is that supposed to be a metaphor?


_________


Lorraine: I want a muffin. And a glass of milk.


Nikki: What are you, five?


Lorraine: What are you, NOT five?


Nikki: What?


Lorraine: It's the best I could come up with on short notice.
________

*Lorraine and Nikki are listening to music on Nikki's ipod in her car*

Lorraine: Did that guy just sing 'I am a mushy!?'

Nikki: NO, he said 'I am a machine'

Lorraine: Ohhhhhhh.

*Machine line is sung again and Nikki starts giggling*

Lorraine: You TOTALLY heard 'I am a mushy' that time didn't you!

Sympathy

Nikki:  "Yeah, I still have a fever and the chills. I feel awful."

Lorraine: "That sucks. The missionaries staying with us this weekend are playing really horrible worship music really loud."

Nikki: "Ohhhhh MAN!! I feel SO bad for you!!!!!"

Hospital Humour

Yesterday Nikki and I had the pleasant experience of spending essentially the whole day at the hospital. It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't of been doubling over in pain and I wasn't weathered down with what I had just discovered was strep throat, a nasty sinus infection, and a nose bleed that was on the verge of needing to be cauterized. (Dry Alberta weather + sinus infection = Lorraine thinking she must be hemorrhaging from the brain.) But no, we could not be free to enjoy the multitudes of sick (and strange) people, rude receptionists and doctors, and the maze that is finding radiology. Something was wrong with Nikki, and we had to find out what.

After being guided from hallway to hallway, wrong room to wrong room, we finally found where we were supposed to be only to be told to go to the front of the hospital and go through patient registration. Back through the maze we went and got in line.

There was a sign posted at the front of reception:

MATERNITY VISITING HOURS

Friends and extended family: 4 - 8

Siblings and grandparents: 11 - 9

Father: Anytime

Nikki made a seemingly logical observation: "What about the mother?"

Lorraine: "Well...it's 'maternity' visiting hours, so...I'm pretty sure she'd already be there."

Nikki: "Oh yeah. Ha. I'm an idiot."

No Nikki, you are not. You do, however, have blonde hair...

Text of the Day

After texting Nikki for awhile while I am on the bus on my way to work, she writes:

"You're sitting on the bus beside a creep while you have a bloody nose...and I'm falling into holes. No wonder we're friends."

Happy 100 Posts To Me

It's been awhile since I've written on here my friends. My co-workers. Random people I don't know that apparently read this. Assuming anybody reads it anymore? This I do not know. I do know that I just noticed I spelled "co-workers" as "cow-workers"; not a very flattering term to my workmates. However, you wouldn't have known about this error since I already corrected it. (You went back to check didn't you...didn't you!) You see, that's the power of being the blog author. I know more about what is being written than you. I am omniscient. (Except I couldn't remember how to spell 'omniscient'. The online spell checker is omniscient in that regard). I also possess supreme editing power. Editing power that I exercise to it's fullest extent. What am I talking about you say? I'm not sure, I'm a bit out of sorts...you see, it's been a while since I've written on here.

HOWEVER.

Looking at my little summary page before I go into my blog, it tells me this blog has 99 posts. Which, if my math skills are correct - and I hope they are since I worked for so long in accounting, but I wouldn't be surprised if that's why the company is now going bankrupt - then that makes THIS my 100th post! Yaaaaay!

100 posts is really like any other post, I gotta say. Perhaps with some more wine or champagne or jello shooters, whatever you prefer. We have it all on this blog. And as much as I would love to celebrate...it's nothing REALLY momentous. What makes 100 so different from 99? I'll tell you the difference: 1. (Math skills again). However, that is THE very same difference as 99 to 98. So why not celebrate 99 as much as we celebrate 100? What is it about triple digits that deserves celebration? "I don't know Lorraine, you are the one having this whole celebration thing" you say? Ah. Well. Touche. (with the accent that I don't know how to do.)

I DID actually have a topic for this post before I noticed that it would be my hundredth post. It was a conversation that occurred today over our delicious all day breakfast at The Sunset Grill in Toronto in reference to a scene from The Simpsons movie.

Me (singing) "Spider pig, spider pig...does whatever a spider pig can...can he swing...from a vine...no he can't, he's a pig."

Laura: "From a vine?? He swings from a web! Why would he swing from a vine?!"

Me: "...I think I was thinking of Tarzan. SHUT UP I'M HUNGOVER!"

Maybe you had to be there...and if you were Laura or Vic or Sandra or Ken or myself, you would have been. But you're not. So. Too bad for you. Way to not be us. Loser.

Spider pig...spider pig...

Negative Parking Meters

The other day a friend and I headed out to get some food at The Snooty Fox. (I almost wrote Snotty Fox...I'd imagine the restaurant would have significantly less appeal if that were it's name...) We parked, put money in the meter and headed inside. After a yummy breakfast complete with potato catapulting contests (actually it was just me launching them at him,) we came back outside to find our parking meter expired. The weird thing is it wasn't just expired, it was actually showing a negative amount of time by six minutes. In light of this occurrence, I must ask the following series of questions:

• Since when do parking meters actually start counting the time that's passed since the meter expired?? Am I really that behind on my parking meter technology?
• How does it get reset? Does it monitor the weight of the car on the parking spot so it knows when one leaves or pulls in, like a drive through?
• Is this REALLY how we are using our advances in technology?? Parking meters?? Who the hell is out there devoting their life to developing more technologically advanced parking meters? "I used my university degree to develop a better hearing aid for the hearing impaired." "I used MY university degree to develop a more efficient device for diabetics to keep track of their blood sugar." "...I used MY university degree to make parking meters count backwards."

Kudos municipal government. If you're going to start charging for expired time, I'm going to request a refund for the remaining time on the meter the next time I leave before it's expired.

Office Smack Talk

I recently got Laura, one of my best friends, a job at my work. Which means the days are a little less boring. And by a little, I mean a lot. We like to spice things up by emailing each other quotes from The Office throughout the day and making hap hazard paper airplanes to throw at each other when no one's looking.

So, in our comfy little accounting department, we have these two stamps, one to fill info out to enter an invoice and one to fill out info for paying an invoice. Today after some of Laura's usual smack talk, I menacingly held up the stamps to her and said:

"I will TOTALLY enter you and pay you."

"Lorraine...think about what you just said."

*pause*

"...OH MY GAWD!!!!!"

Toronto, Kyle Wellwood, Sushi, Shoplifting, and Darrin Pfieffer. Good Weekend.

This past Thursday night, at approximately 9:38 pm, an insatiable urge to have a night out in Toronto hit me, and hit hard. So I called up my Toronto friend who lives right downtown and asked what he was doing the next night. I soon figured out he was at the pub due to how long it took him to put words together. But he assured me he wasn't drunk and we finally concluded that I would visit and we'd go out and do something. Friday night I called again to confirm and he said "I wasn't sure if I'd dreamt that conversation or not." Never make plans with a drunk person. Although the view from his condo is enough reason to forgive him:


Before I drove to Toronto, I stopped by to see Laura who was home sick in bed. She was supposed to have a roller derby bout the next day (also her birthday) but her doctor thought she had mono, so she couldn't play. Well, she could, but not without the risk of rupturing her spleen. Spleens are unpleasant enough when they are intact. Also, Kyle Wellwood, her all time favourite Maple Leafs player (who she is also in love with) was supposed to be signing autographs at the new Future Shop in Erin Mills the same day. While she was lying down, I snuck into her closet and stole her Wellwood jersey, and two pictures she had of him. Thankfully she didn't notice. The next day I got them signed and took a video clip of him wishing her a happy birthday/hoping she feels better. I burned it on a cd for her, along with some pictures I took of him. Here is the video of Wellwood: (please note his enthusiasm)

http://www.motionbox.com/video/player/359cd9b1181dbe



Now here is the video of Laura opening my present, which I enjoy much more than the previous video. I missed the part where she first figured out what I had done but got most of the surprise in:

http://www.motionbox.com/video/player/359fd7bd1a1ebe


Other notable parts of my weekend:

• Tried sushi for the first time and gagged. Although I do like sakki
• I accidentally stole a camera lens cleaner pen from Future Shop. But I felt so bad that I had mindlessly walked out of the store with it that I went back in and paid for it, after a good five minute internal moral debate
• Two words: Home Movies.
• Apparently Darrin Pfeiffer from Goldfinger thinks I'm hot. GREATEST COMPLIMENT EVER. Although I think he might need glasses...
• Dawn is working at 102.1 the Edge and I am JEALOUS. But it was awesome seeing her again. But I am JEALOUS.

I'M GOING TO CALIFORNIA (gonna live the life...sippin' on tequila night after night...)

Sorry about the gay boy band lyric title. But I've had that song stuck in my head ever since I found out that...well...there's an excellent chance I am going to California. In just under two weeks! You see, there is this little music festival there...I'm not sure if you've heard of it...it's called...COACHELLA!!!!!

I couldn't possibly think of a better birthday present. *cough*This FRIDAY APRIL THE 13th*cough* Rage Against the Machine will be reunited...and I will be there to bask in said reunion. Not to mention the Chili Peppers! They're going to be Red Hot.

To add more randomness to this spontaneous trip, I'm flying down by myself and meeting my friend from England and his friend there. (In a little place called Palm Springs.) Johny English, as I lovingly refer to him, got me a ticket AND since he is related to the guitarist in the Arctic Monkeys, we also have backstage passes!! BACKSTAGE PASSES!!! I've never had backstage passes to anything in my life, besides like, talent shows I've been in. And even then we didn't have backstage passes...or talent for that matter.

Everybody seems to know somebody who is going to this festival. When I told my cousin Rob, he informs me that his friend gets to INTERVIEW Rage Against The Machine and have a photoshoot with them for The Toronto Sun. I told him to hook me up with her. I mean, not sexually. Although I would if it got me in to meet Rage.

So nothing is set for sure yet...I still have to confirm time off work and make sure flights are ok. But I just keep thinking to myself...I am young once, and there is no good reason why I SHOULDN'T go to this. Life is too short to make excuses not to do something amazing. And I'm pretty much at the point where I would say "Uh...you can either give me the time off work or I'm taking the time off work...either way I am going." I'm sorry, I just cannot turn this down.

The only hard thing will be not eating between now and when I leave so that people won't shriek in shock and disgust when they see me in a bikini. Although I've lost a good chunk of weight in the last month or two, I'm still not bikini ready. I am, however, beach and palm trees and good music ready. Goodbye unexpected April snowstorms!

Quote-tastic

A compilation of some recent quotes from silly friends:

__________
On msn:

Me: So yeah, we broke up.
Darcy: *pause* Have you ever thought about what it would be like to not have lips?
__________

At the hilarious university play my friend directed:

*actress says her line and everybody laughs, including my friend who I am sitting next to.*

Me: What did she say?
Paul: I dunno, but it was funny anyway.
__________

Progressive Conversations:

Me: I hate people that shovel the snow onto the street.
Dave: I hate people that SHOVEL.
Me: I hate people.

Dave S: If you can't see, I'll angle my chair.
Me: I'll angle YOUR FACE.
Laura: I'll MANGLE your face.
Shawn: I like mangos.
__________

Me: *sees Paul blow onto his hands* Are your hands cold?
Paul: Nope.
Me: I just saw you blow on them.
Paul: I'm just MAINTAINING their heat.
*Lorraine and Dave exchange smiles*
__________

Me: My body is all messed up, it thinks it's time to be awake now at 3am.
Laura: My body is saying "Go to bed you idiot."
__________

Me: I think we lost the maturity when I said the term "opposite sex" and Dave said "hehe, SEX."
Laura: Then I said "hehe, OPPOSITE."
__________

Laura: Wait, so you CAN'T see her right now? That's CRAZY how mirrors work!
__________

For more retarded quotes, click here. It's my old old website pre-html when I was in like, grade 10 . Haven't changed it in years, but I love the quotes on it.

Until next time...keep fit and have fun. *cue body break music*

Antonio Wants Some Pringles

I admit it, in the past I have met people off of the internet. But before I ever met anyone in person, I would talk to people who lived far away and just chat over the internet or phone if I felt comfortable.

Antonio is one of these people.

When I first "met" him about five years ago, he was living in New Jersey and part of a band that was on the edge of making it big. I still have their CD. They traveled around the country in a school bus that he owns, but scratched off certain letters to make it say "Cool Bus" instead. He's a bit older than me, but a big kid at heart. And he knows WAY too many people. And he cracks me up.

Today I got to catch up with him for the first time in two years, and it's always like no time has gone by since we chatted. He still lives in New Jersey, but quit the band to pursue his own stuff. Now he works for the company that distributes Pringles doing audio editing, and is soon to be the star of a television commercial. He sent them this video which they recently decided to air as an official commercial during American Idol.

(The embed version isn't working for some reason, so you'll have to click on this link to view his ridiculous pringles commercial. It's worthwhile, trust me.)

http://www.jinglesforpringles.com/jingle/8/

Whether we will see it in Canada or not, I do not know. But watching it here is more than enough for me! Oh Antonio, you silly monkey you. What will you be doing in another two years??