"This is my fake phone voice. How may I direct your call?"

I work right now as a receptionist. As such, certain perks and quirks come with the job. For example, when my daily FedEx courier showed up 45 minutes after we closed, I wrote a strongly worded email and received a free gift basket with lots of chocolate. When Staples messed up my order, they sent me a luggage set. When telemarketers call, I get to mess with their heads. “No I’m sorry…she killed herself…it was because she couldn’t find a good office supplies company…if only you had called sooner…”

I also notice quirky things that many other people wouldn’t notice unless you were in my job. Most of these things drive me nuts. For example, when solicitors walk past not one, but TWO “No Soliciting” signs to my desk and ask to speak to the person in charge of…blah blah blah. As soon as you hear “the person in charge of” you know they have no right to be there. One I’ve been noticing lately is how oddly people speak when they phone somebody.

"Good afternoon, Labcoat Technologies?"

• “May I please speak to the employee Bob Freeman?”
  I'm just curious really…did you REALLY need to specify “the employee”? Who did you think I was going to transfer you to? The elephant Bob Freeman?? The non-employee Bob Freeman??
  
• "Yes, hi, how are you *no pause*, yes, may I please speak to…*shuffling of papers* ummm let’s see here….uhhh…..”
  Good idea to know who you are calling BEFORE you pick up the phone.
  
• "Hi yes, I was wondering if I may have the extension of Mr. Kerry Anderson, I believe his extension is…235?”
  Ok…first of all…I can’t GIVE you the extension, that would require you physically being here. Second of all, I work in a small company and know every extension off by heart…you really don’t have to give me a name AND the extension…but thanks for trying to help me out with my job.
  
• "Hi, how are you today??”
  9 times out of 10, it is a telemarketer. Revert to “I don’t speak english” mode.

HOLY CRAP MY STAPLER JUST MOVED BY ITSELF…I SWEAR IT DID…maybe I should finish my work.

In conclusion, if you are calling a business, A) always know the name of the person you are calling BEFORE you call them and B) say please and thank you. I usually wait a half second before transferring to see if there is a thank you after I say “Yes, one moment please”. C) If you can’t pronounce a hard to pronounce last name, don’t try to sound it out and butcher it…D) Ok I lied, there isn’t a D.

If you are a telemarketer reading this, die in hell.

That is all.